Monday, April 29, 2013

A lump threatened to lodge in my throat

We have spent a wonderful and relaxing vacation in Florida. We all needed some time off and some sun to warm our bodies that had become sore and stiff from a winter that has taken too long. Despite that wonderful vacation, I'm exhausted. Like in: totally empty, no more energy. My petrol tank needs to refuel big time. The thing is: I can't seem to find the time to rest. I go to bed at a decent hour but I don't sleep well. Diabetic lows and hypers are too present every day. This morning, I felt this lump in my throat and I knew I wouldn't need much more to cry. I need to sleep!!! Aaarrgghhhh.. I drag myself through the day, do whatever needs to be done, but still I get the feeling that I haven't done enough. There are always more chores to be done and things to take care of. I can't but wonder how other women manage to work fulltime and do all the other things women are supposed to do. It makes me feel like a failure. I lack time to do what I like to do. It would be nice to have some free time, just to relax and not think about anything or anyone. Maybe I'm just fed up with D. I don't mind having D, but I do hate the constant swings in my blood sugar. My CGM has been a great help in warning me from upcoming lows and highs but it also shows me how vulnerable us diabetics are.. I never knew I had so many lows at night. Because most of the times, I would sleep through them. I know now, because my Dexcom wakes me before my body tells me. It is a scary thought, knowing that for more than 10 years, I have slept through so many lows. I'm normally not the "what if" person, but now, it has slipped my mind a number of times. Thanks to my Dexcom, I go to bed without worrying about lows, because I know it will warn me. The thing is: I don't want any lows while I'm sleeping. Because they wear you out. You are never rested and never at ease.

It is pity time now. Holding the dogs, I'm sobbing on the couch, trying to get some sleep. I can hear the washer working overtime and the church bells are telling me it's 11:30 AM. I'm not supposed to take a nap. I have things to do. I have been asked to write 3 recipes for children and the question came with a deadline. I need to prepare dinner for the girls. I got a phone call from someone who is looking for a personal assistant. It's only 13 hours a week.. only.. where would I find 13 extra hours to work outdoors?
Maybe I will skip lunch, because I now prefer a nap over food. There's been too much eating going on anyway. And they weren't meals I enjoyed. I have stuffed my body with real coke and a humongous amount of candy, to beat those lows. I just hate those empty calories! My weight needs to come down, not up.. Just let me be. Let me sob. Let me hang out on the couch for a while. It's just one of those days, I guess...

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