Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Reach out and touch

Today is a day I tend to celebrate. For just one decade, I can call myself a sugarbee. Is that an honor? Probably not. Is it a diagnosis to feel embarrassed about? By no means. Was it my fault? Na-ah. Did it affect my life? For sure..
Even though I can't remember what my life was like without D, I remember my life wasn't the emotional rollercoaster it is nowadays. It has changed me. It has affected my family. It has brought me feelings I had not experienced before. Think f.e.a.r. I don't like to pronounce the word, since I don't like to be scared of anything, but yes, at times it scares the lightening out of me.
Let's go back to the day my endocrinologist (well from that day on, she became my endocrinologist - I never needed one before) poked my finger and decided I had Type 1 diabetes. To me, it didn't come as a complete surprise. To be honest, I was relieved. Finally a doctor who didn't think I was making a complete fool of myself thinking I had some weird disease. She knew it was diabetes and that it was serious business. I don't know what made her decide that I needed to see some footage on the possible complications of this chronic disease, but I can tell you: that documentary freaked me out. The images will remain present in my brain forever, I guess. I will spare you the details, but my diabetic friends know what I'm talking about.
So many people are proud of me for being so positive when it comes to diabetes. Well, there's not really another option, is there? I have my bad days and I have my flaws, but those keep hidden behind closed doors. I'm not the type of person that bursts into tears at home for not coping well. I try to keep it to myself or share it with other diabetics, who are real close to me. After all, they are the only ones who really understand, because they are in the same position. I need those conversations, I need those moments where I can fall apart and cry over a disease I never asked for. I'm only human, just like the rest of you. Writing this blog, I can feel the tears sting behind my glasses. I don't want to cry. I don't want to break down without an arm around my shoulder. So I swallow my tears and I revert this blog to draft until I'm ready to continue writing..
I do want to celebrate this day. So far, there are no complications. The always present fatigue is not painful, just a nuisance. The daily fluctuations wear me out and it's a fulltime job to keep my numbers within range. Not knowing why your numbers have risen too high, is so frustrating. They sometimes make me wanna yell and scream my lungs out. I really try hard to remain one step ahead of complications.  It is my responsibility, my disease, my obstacle in life. I have a hard time sharing my feelings - oh oh, there come the tears again - when it comes to D. If you have offered me your shoulder, if you have texted me on days where my numbers skyrocketed or if you helped me get over diabetic issues: thank you for being there for me. I hope I can be the same kind of friend to you.

1 comment:

Upje schrijft said...

Proficiat. Met de 'verjaardag', maar ook met de manier waarop.

En misschien ... vinden ook niet-db'tjes het niet eens zo erg om soms je frustraties eromtrent te aanhoren? Ik zou zeggen: give it a try. Niet elke dag, uiteraard, maar gewoon soms. Als je er écht nood aan hebt. Ik denk dat je aangenaam verrast zou kunnen worden!

*stevige knuffel*
x