Sunday, January 17, 2010

I was blindfolded but now I'm seeing

I'm learning about me, about the person I am and about the person I want to be. Therapy was pretty fierce. I knew it was going to be confrontational, but this is not what I had expected. It was my first time in this center and the therapists are still in training. The leading therapist was nearby, to jump in whenever we needed him. And that's exactly what he did..

My CGM (Continuous Glucose Monitoring) is normally my weatherglass. It tells me how I feel. My sugar levels go up if I am aggravated and they come down real fast when I'm emotional. I think my sensor has seen both mountains and valleys today..

The therapist was real resolute and made me think out loud and speak my worst fears. At some point, I was so sick to my stomach, that the emotions made me throw up.
I now realize why I had my uterus removed and that really made my stomach turn upside down. I had never looked at it in that manner, but it makes sense. I can relate to the explanation.

We talked about dreams and nightmares and I was asked to tell them my reoccurring nightmare. I didn't want to talk about it at first, because I know it hurts me to even think of it. But I'm there to get help, so I had to bite the bullet. It was hard and difficult, but it felt good to have it off my chest. The therapist reassured me, that it was a reflection of my worst fear and how I felt about this one particular person.

I'm impressed by the intensity of these techniques. I'm more than willing to go through with it. The snowball has started its run downhill and is not to be stopped. I know it will help me move on in life and see things in another perspective. And that's what I want. To appreciate myself for who I am and to let go of the persons who let me down and humiliated me on numerous occasions. I have to forgive myself and start to believe this is not what I wanted. I deserve better..

I was so relieved my friend was waiting for me after the therapy session. She was there at the right time, to catch me and comfort me and tell me things were going to be okay in the end. She's an angel..

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