Thursday, November 29, 2012

An eye opener

It took me some time to figure it out...

I had an appointment with Dr Feelgood, the endocrinologist I have been frequenting for the past 2 years. He's Dutch. Not that special, one would say. But it also means that he is articulate and straight forward and pretty frank. I wanted to talk to him about the never ending fatigue. I'm so exhausted. Going to bed earlier and sleeping in late feels good at times, but it doesn't solve the problem. In the end I'm still exhausted.

A wanna be endocrinologist received me in her office. She was going to interrogate me and then she would inform the real doctor. I was not happy at all with this announcement. I didn't want to tell her my story for she doesn't know me nor my background. Which she contradicted, looking through my medical file. I was getting a little wrought up, because I don't want any trainees going through my files. She asked me questions about previous visits. Questions I didn't want to answer because I thought they were not intended for her ears. Anyway, I told her about my fatigue and she ignored it, pointing out my latest HbA1C was a good 7.3%. A bit higher than the previous 7, but I had been expecting it. I was still happy with that outcome and so was she. She asked if I needed any prescription drugs. I answered that I wanted to talk to my doctor...

They discussed the consultation in the hallway. I could hear them murmur before the door swung open and both of them entered the musty cabinet. He shook my hand and said straight away: I see you are doing well. Your numbers are okay. I agreed that my A1c was good. I also told him it could be better and I would work on it. He didn't like my perfectionism. To me, it's a way to stay on track, to not let things get out of hand. After all, diabetes is there 24/7. You can't just turn off the knob and hope your numbers will still be okay.

I told him about the fatigue. Again. Because on two previous occasions I told him the same thing and I had the impression he hadn't heard me. This time he heard me allright, because I was pretty stern about the subject. That's when the frank answer hit me in the face. It's my own perfectionism that is striking back. I'm the victim of my own drive. Diabetes is too much alive in my life. Pretty ironic huh? I felt attacked. I felt numb and alone and sad and misunderstood. But he kept going. He asked me about my daily life. He wanted to know how much the diabetes was present in my activities. Okay, I admit, it's there, all the time. Many of my friends are diabetics. I frequent diabetes meetings and diabetes pubs and I visit my fellow diabetics when they are not feeling well. I motivate others on www.diabetesforum.be and many people have a number to call when they have questions. I do presentations on my life with D and I try to keep control over my own medical situation. Exactly, he replied... You are not physically exhausted. Your mind needs to be cleared and refilled with non-diabetic subjects. It's just been too much. Get a grip on yourself and move forward. Don't let the diabetes take over. It's your life with D, it's not Diabetes and you...

I didn't die right there on the spot. I waited for the safety of my car. Could care less if someone else saw my tears. I felt so torn apart. Nobody can take away my life. It's what I like to do. It's what gives me energy. It is my life.

To be continued.. 

2 comments:

Scott K. Johnson said...

Wow. What a thought! I'm not exactly sure I can wrap my brain around it, actually.

Hang in there as you work through this. You're wrestling with some tough things.

Cathy Van de Moortele said...

It is always good to read you Scott