What if happiness is not that obvious?

We all know the world is full of bellies carrying little babies. Once you're pregnant yourself or looking forward to having a baby, you see even more moms to be. One of my friends has had a baby just recently (and yes, I miss her and our chats, but don't we all know how busy our lives become once those little ones enter our homes), another one has a belly that is full of life and growing way too fast (I want to enjoy that wonderful sight of her pregnancy - I missed her previous one) and a third friend is in the early stage of expecting new life, while a fourth is about to deliver any time now.

Having two wonderful daughters of my own, I know what it's like to expect a child and give birth. I know the feeling of bringing new life into this world, the pain of being in labor and the happiness once that little creature uses its voice for the very first time. It's a feeling only moms can experience. Your life will never be the same, once you can call yourself a mom.

What if you have this dream, this one and only dream that would fill your life with so much joy and happiness that you would do anything to achieve your goal? What if things don't work out the way you want them to? Do people ever realize how hard it must be, when people ask you how come you haven't got children of your own? I can tell you: it hurts like hell. It sucks! It's not a good feeling at all... it can be very damaging indeed. Most of the time, the people asking, don't mean any harm. They are just trying to have a conversation and ask for the "obvious". But apparently it's not that obvious. Having children may not be that obvious at all. Sometimes the process can be really hard and the road to travel very long.  If only we could keep that in mind and support our friends and family that are so looking forward to having a little Prince or Princess of their own. An extra cuddle, some kind words and sympathy or small talk over a big mug of coffee. It's not that much to ask for. It's a delicate subject and there's not much you can do to help the other, but listen and understand. I care for you, my beautiful friend. I wish you all the best and all the luck in the world. My thumbs are still facing the stars. 

I have something up my sleeve

Having the Pisces sign, we knew you were going to be a creative mind. You have a good eye for art, music, fashion, photography, design. Sometimes you come up with real clever ideas. Things we would not have thought of. It is fun to watch your creativity grow and see you explore new dimensions. It's been some time now, since you started using those special markers. I had never even heard of them, but you know your ways around on the Net. I'm still astound by the wonderful drawings you make. The talent I lack in life, is patience. I can tell you: you have patience. I observe you making a piece of art in your sketch book, drawing fine lines and little patterns in a flowing way. You are gifted sweetheart. I am so proud of your latest project, you made for school. The school made it into a poster, to be hung all over school, so people would know about the project your class is involved in. You did real well. The fonts you chose, the colors you picked. Your artwork is neat and clean and unique. I like your style. No computer program involved, just your own creative ways..
Looking forward to seeing more of your talent. 

Hello World

Your first birthday away from home.. You are not even that far away, but you are not home today to celebrate. I wanted to cuddle and kiss you and wish you all the best. I am sure you will have friends around to party and have a good time. I took the time this morning to go down Memory Lane. You were so tiny and small. We never planned on getting pregnant, but we were so happy with the new life in my belly. I can hardly believe you turned 19 today. Look what a beauty you have become... We are proud of you sweetheart <3  

Things I enjoy always

• Pampering my family
• Cooking, not matter what time a day (or night)
• Baking, the process and the result, not necessarily eating it (I'm not that much of a sweet tooth)
• Meeting up with friends over lunch or/and dinner
• Talk about diabetes
• Surfing the Internet 
• Good readings on my Dexcom
• Hazelnut Creamer
• High heels (I don't mind the sore feet afterwards)
• Hugging our whippets
• A new haircut or a good manicure
• Traveling
• A nice bouquet of flowers, for no particular reason
• Family get togethers
• The US
• Movies based on true stories
• Buying cookbooks and reading them like novels
• Turn up the music in the car and sing along
• A clean house (but I hate cleaning house)
• Home made ravioli
• Diet coke
• Fine dining
• New outfits from my favorite store
• A perfect Latte Macchiato
• Sheep skin slippers
• Happy faces
• The sun

While that's all fine and dandy..

It's been a year now, since this very nice man asked me to pull up my shirt, so he could insert this thingamajig into my tummy. I had no idea what to expect or if this device would be meaningful enough to me to have it glued to my body 24/7. I never asked to get diabetes, I never asked to be given this stupid chronic disease. But it's there, it ain't going nowhere and I have to own it to make a difference. I have accepted my condition a long time ago. Although a cure is not yet found, we have access to great technology nowadays. I wish all of my peers could have this same availability to whatever they need to keep their diabetes in control. Life is hard enough as it is.. We can use all the support out there. You may not really know what it's like to have diabetes, but a little bit of compassion and sympathy goes a long way.

Last night, I got a phone call from a very nice lady. She's Dutch and very smart, witty and enthusiastic. I told her it was too bad she didn't have diabetes, because now she couldn't join our club... Of course I didn't mean that (I would not want to nominate anyone for this bloody disease), but that's the kind of conversation we had: very open, spontaneous and honest. Although this lady is not a diabetic herself, she sure knows what she's talking about. It always startles me that non-diabetics make it their goal in life to help diabetics in whatever they find worthwhile.

So this lady and I talked for a while (...) and the conversation felt like I had known her for a long time. Her enthusiasm struck me. I was startled to hear about her determination in finding a cure for T1 diabetes. She knows people. She knows more than a handful of people - people that matter when it comes to finding a cure. She's a manager working for JDRF Holland and she's the one when it comes to fundraising, getting in touch with people who want to make the difference. I was happy she called me and I would be very honored if I could mean something to JDRF and all of us diabetics out there.

Insulin pumps are wonderful and Dexcom is the invention of the century for people with diabetes. While that's all fine and dandy: it's not a cure. We may seem very relaxed and coping, we all still have diabetes. Technology has improved massively and researchers all over the world are doing the best they can to come up with that cure that will kick diabetes in the butt. We need money though... a whole lot of money. Researchers are so close, but they need extra funding to finish what they have started.

That same night, I got another call from Holland. I met this lady a couple of years ago, on a diabetes congress in Brussels. I remembered her as a lady with pezaz, a driving force and most of all: a mom of a sweet little girl with diabetes. That girl is 9 years old now and a cure has not been found yet. It is time to spread the word again and sit around the table for a serious session of brainstorming. Are you with me?

What makes you beautiful

Being a teenager can be challenging. Things are being expected. There's school, friends, home, maybe a job on the weekend, a boyfriend, chores, sports, .. sometimes there's so much going on, there's hardly any time for you. Time to relax, enjoy life, hang out on the couch and just be. Finding the right balance is a hard job.

I'm proud of you. You are very conscious of what's going on around you. Your antlers are always buzzing, picking up emotions and situations. You have a heart for others and you are sensitive for the people you love.
You lack energy and you need a lot of sleep. After all, being a teen asks a lot from you. I'm so happy to see you have a nutritious breakfast before you go to school: oatmeal, fruit, green tea. It is a good way to regain your energy. You take good care of yourself.

Today, your sister decided to make breakfast for you. It is your birthday! We dressed the table and lit some candles, to welcome you downstairs. You were surprised and excited about the gifts. It's good to see you smile. You have a wonderful night planned with your boyfriend. He will spend the night with us and we'll have tapas together. Maybe a movie later on that night.

A bright future is awaiting you. Maybe this Spring, you will pick up running again. Or maybe swimming? It would do you good. It would provide your body with oxygen and energy. You're growing, kiddo. You're no longer that cute little baby you once were. Just look at you... need I say more?

Love,

your mommy xx <3

On solid ground

Being in love for the very first time, is just the best feeling ever. You can feel your cheeks blush every time you think about him. You can't focus in school and it's like you are walking on roses. Your arms are too long and you're striding and skipping with a broad smile on your pretty face. People say you gloom and they see lights twinkling in your eyes. That's what love does to one.. It's a feeling you want to hold on to forever and "forever" is a word you use in most of your sentences now.

You get older. You have met different people and you start dreaming about a future. Maybe you want to meet more people and discover the world and enjoy your youth, before you commit to someone. You fall in and out of love and you just like to hang out with friends and have a date every night and then. Cuddles are welcome and you like the feeling of being loved. It's been a while since you've been truly in love.

You meet this one guy and you know this is the person you want to grow old with. It may sound boring and very predictable, but it feels right to you. You no longer doubt if the love is mutual, because you can tell this guy is not only madly in love with you, you feel the same about him. He supports you in whatever you do and you are interested in his dreams. Both of you look forward to the other half to come home from work. There is candle light and romance, there are serious conversations and no harsh words during discussions. There are comforting arms to hold you whenever you feel sad and there's a thumb pointing upwards to cheer the victories in life. He brings you flowers when you least expect it and he opens the door to the restaurant for you. You bring him goodies while he watches the sports channel on TV and you enjoy his enthusiasm even though soccer doesn't interest you at all. There's so much looking forward to going abroad on a vacation and you do nothing but relax and enjoy each other..

It's been some time since you first met. You think about the past and those first years together. Memorable moments cross your mind, some with tears, some with a smile and a wink. The butterflies are no longer present all the time. Things have changed. Love has presented itself in a different way. You understand each other better as time goes by. You share a past together and you're looking forward to a future. The children start living their own life and there are more moments to spend as a couple. It's like starting all over again. At times, you feel the butterflies have come back. It's a special feeling. It's a blessing.

Then there was nothing but silence..

They were sitting at the table, facing each other. The television was playing loud, showing a cycling event, and I could hear the comments of the reporters, making jokes and keeping a good eye on the cyclists at the same time.

They were quiet, having their prespread sandwiches. She got up from the table, shambled towards the bathroom, her bowl of soup in her hands. I sat on the bed and watched her manners. She would empty the bowl in the toilet, flush and come back to the table, to finish her early dinner. They sat there, in complete silence. He was looking at me, winking and I could see the corner of his mouth curl up. He continued to take little bites from his sandwich. I asked them what cold cuts they had been given. They had no idea. They forgot, I guess. They were not interested either. He said he preferred making his own sandwiches at a time that was more appropriate to be called dinner time.

A friendly lady walked into the room. She was in a hurry, I could tell. "Are you finished," she asked, while she was clearing the table. Maybe the answer was not important to her, since she didn't await the answer. Dinner was over. Time to take that handkerchief and wipe their mouths. She shuffled back to the bathroom to flush the toilet again. I asked why she got rid of the soup. She said she hated soup. She did like buttermilk porridge though.. I urged her to talk to the head nurse, to see if she could have porridge instead of soup. She gave me that special look, that needed no further explanation. I dropped the subject..

He was still sitting at the table, picking up little crumbs that were left on his placemat. He gathered as many as he could, to pile them up in one corner. She sat down again, waiting for the evening to come. Pretty soon, one of the nurses would come in to help them get into their jammies. It was only 5:00 PM. There wasn't much to say. It was not an unpleasant silence though. They didn't need words to understand one another. They had been together for so many years, they knew what the other was thinking. They looked outside the window, to see nothing but a dull wall and a garbage bin. I kissed them on the cheeks. I rubbed their back and wiped away a tear that had been stinging in the corner of my eye. I left their room, thankful for the love they felt for each other. Thankful, that at least they were together. Things could've been worse. They could have spent their days in a room with a total stranger, in a totally different kind of silence. Their silence was comforting. It was not to be dreaded..

I still miss you.. I miss your wisdom, your strength, your ability to be without speech.

Trying to read between the lines

He told me it was golden and its condition was immaculate. It was "only" 75.000 Belgian francs (we didn't have Euros back then). I thought that was a very reasonable price for a Triumph! After all, my former boyfriend drove a similar car, a Triumph Spitfire to be accurate. That car in mind, I agreed to buying my first second hand car.. It took many hours of labor in restaurants to purchase that car, but it was mine and I loved the freedom it gave me.

I'm peeking through the window. The black monster just turned around the corner. I can see its headlights glow in the early morning hours. You're holding the steering wheel with both hands, waiting for the bus to move on. I feel confident and proud. For the very first time, you're driving to school all by yourself. Not without a reason: last night, around 5:00 PM, you were staring at your computer screen, waiting for your school results to appear. And YES!! you did it! You succeeded for all classes. Your hard work paid off. So happy to hear that and what a relief.. There was no reason to go to school to discuss your grades, but you planned on going with your friends so you asked for the car.

A little bird has told me it won't be too long before you will buy your first second hand car. You're ready. You have some money in your bank account and your driver's licence in your pocket. We'll have to think about this and discuss the conditions, before we come to some agreement. I can relate to your desire to have a car of your own. It means freedom and independence and another step towards adulthood. After all, you're almost 19..

Off to work

I was sitting in the car in the parking lot, while you were inside for your job interview. No nail biting from my side, since I was pretty convinced you were going to be hired. It was only last week, you told us about this job opportunity. Not too far from home, weekend work, decent salary. Previously you had opted McDonald's, but we could tell you were not convinced yourself (and neither were we).

You pulled open the door of the car and your bright smile and the blemish on your cheeks, said it all: hired! The owner of the restaurant was very friendly and polite. You could start as soon as this Sunday. We needed to get you a black uniform, so you could wait the tables in style. You were happy your friend introduced you and you won't let her or your new employer down. They expect you this Sunday at 10:00 AM to inform you about their way of working. I told you about my very own experiences with waiting tables in a restaurant (I have done my share - 5 years of waiting tables damaged by back). It is hard work. It means no going out on weekends, it means sore feet and long working hours. It also means independence, extra money to spend, building confidence and a longer resume for future job interviews. It'll do you good. Last year, you worked in the kitchen of a retirement home and that was hard labor as well. Your employer was happy with your diligence and he asked you to come back next summer. You're not too sure.. you had room and boarding last summer, but you missed the Internet and your boyfriend. You'd rather work weekends than a month in summer. We'll see how you do. I'm sure you'll be polite and willing to do whatever they ask you to. You'll be exhausted when you get home, so it will require very good planning to get your schoolwork done before you go to work. Good luck kiddo!

Hands, touching hands

Hands, touching hands

Reaching out, touching me, touching you..

Humans are not made to live all by themselves. We need company to stay focused and nourish our inner selves. Being by yourself for too long, can make you sad and moody. You probably feel empty and blue and you long for someone to talk to. Someone to tell your stories to, to watch a movie with, to share a meal or to take for a walk.

This little girl is never alone. She has so many loving people surrounding her. She can't tell what she thinks or how she feels, but her wonderful smile when she hears your voice as soon as you open the door, is so comforting. She knows you're there. She knows she's not alone. It is reassuring that we know she always has someone around her. As soon as the garage door opens to let daddy's car in, I can see that little face light up! She just knows her daddy will come and hug her and tell her about his day at work. Mommy cannot leave the house without kissing her on the cheeks. She protests if the kiss is being forgotten. It is heartwarming to see little man hug and kiss his big sister whenever he comes home. He loves her so much and she loves him back, in her very own way.

I feel so honored to be part of this little girl's life. It is peaceful to have her in my lap and have her grab my finger before she closes her eyes for her afternoon nap. She's special. I can feel her love. Her heart is so big and she moves so many others. She's a true blessing..

Easy breezy

No one ever said it was going to be easy breezy. College is not a joke, it is hard work. You have never been used to studying really hard to get good grades.
Your brain is pretty good at soaking up

information like a sponge would do. It is a good thing that you are always in to learning new things. You dare to challenge yourself and your teachers, to go all the way to the bottom of the course. Your motto is: you can't learn what you don't understand. I envy you for thinking that way. Understanding what you learn, makes you think in a better way and helps you remember the contents of your classes. Nevertheless, going to College is still hard work. We haven't seen much of you lately. Studying for the upcoming exams is priority number one now. I try to pamper you with home cooked meals and treats and every now and then I take you out for lunch. Not too much distraction, because you don't want any of us keeping you from going through your books. I must say: I'm impressed. I know you want to be the best in what you do. So you go for it and you keep your nose in your books. Three exams have been completed so far. Six more to go. It will be tough but I'm sure you'll do well. You must be looking forward to those two weeks off by the end of January. Keep up the spirit girl! 

Just pull the plug

I'm not the right person if you are looking for New Year's Resolutions. I have been looking forward to reorganizing my kitchen though. Since I started working as a Tupperware consultant, my cabinets have been pampered with new Tupperware containers and tools. I love my Tupperware. I have come to a point that I want nothing but Tupperware in my cabinets. I'm thinking about clearing out cupboard by cupboard and making the right decision in keeping or getting rid off. So if you're interested in getting some second hand kitchen goodies, just yell. Any leftovers will go to the Thriftstore without hesitation. I'm so looking forward to having de-cluttered cabinets.

I would like to reorganize my cabinets and keep all of my different size mixing bowls in one place, together with my measuring cups and spoons, shaker, baking mats, baking tins and MultiFlex silicone pans. There has to be a better way than what I'm used to. There should be a cabinet for (non)electrical devices, that includes my mixer, blender and Tupperware devices: TurboMax, QuickChef, ExtraChef, SpeedyChef, MandoChef. Can't believe I haven't bought the TurboChef yet. Have to write that down on my Tupperware wishlist. They all come in handy. I couldn't choose between any of them and no: I will not give up my Tupperware devices.

I would like to get rid of my deepfryer. It would be healthier not having one around. But I think my Hubby will not agree on this one. Maybe I should put it deeper down the cabinet, out of sight and empty?
I have plenty of microwave containers. They have been designed for reheating and cooking in the microwave. My MicroGourmet is just wonderful. Love to steam my potatoes and veggies all in one. It's a good way to cook healthy food.

Counting my wooden spoons, I realize they are no longer worth keeping. I'm throwing them out. They don't look good anymore and I can replace them by Tupperware spoons, that are much easier to clean and prettier to look at. I assume that rule will work for the knives on my countertop as well. Since I've been using the Tupperware knives, I no longer use my old knives so why bother hanging on to them and have the overloaded tools canister tip over every so often? There's one knife I will keep, despite its grungy look and blunt blade. It's the knife I inherited when I left my student's room. I'm gonna hold on to that one just one more year (or so).

I know some of the tools I use, would probably never be bought by you. I'm thinking of my garlic press or my ginger grater, the cheese mill, pasta maker and my Kenwood standmixer. They are essential to me though. I use them so often that I don't know how I would do without.

I'm getting a little depressed here. Am I sure I'm willing to let go of things? Or am I just making excuses why most of it should stay? I could use a hand in deciding what I use on a regular basis and what is just a gimmick. I want those cabinets organised and less full and cluttered. I'll get there. Trust me, it won't be done in one day, but I'll get there.. While reorganizing, I might as well soap down all of the cabinet interiors and ... AARRGGGHHH.

I can kick my own butt

I remember how impatient I was at the age of 18. I really wanted to get that driver's license as soon as possible. It would mean freedom, it would mean a milestone in my life. The day you turned 18, you didn't think much of getting a driver's license. You had your bus pass that brought you wherever you wanted to go or there was mom picking you up or driving you to places. I didn't understand. Why would you not want that independence?

One at a time, your friends started taking driving classes. In school, there was the opportunity to take your written exam and you passed right away. Cheer cheer! It was time to start taking classes. We decided both mom and dad would teach you the first classes, so you would build some confidence to drive with a teacher. I remember my first driving lesson: Never ever before had I had the steering wheel in my hands. My teacher couldn't believe me. He told me to start the car and hit the road and I felt pretty stupid and embarrassed that I had no idea how. He was very patient with me though, and it took me no more than 10 hours of driving to get my license. Things have changed quite a bit since then. I was so confident I was a good driver, but seriously: by no means was I able to face traffic. I knew how to shift gear and slam my breaks but come on, I couldn't drive at all! 10 hours of driving is by far not enough to get your permit.

Since you're in college, Bruges seemed like the best place for you to take classes. You finally decided it wasn't a bad idea after all, so you signed up and you set your goal: you wanted that licence before the end of the year. You cursed at yourself for failing in traffic at times and you would chew your lip if things were getting hectic. But overall you did real well. You listened to your teachers and you followed their advice. You even tried to correct us parents for not doing the right thing...

The date was set: you were going to do your driving test on Christmas Eve. I told you there were two options: either you would succeed or you would succeed with flying colors. I had no doubt you would go for the second option. Your teacher gave you 2 more hours of driving class right before the exam. Around 2:30 PM it was time for you to own that car and show the examiner you were in control. I was already on my way to Bruges to pick you up. 45 min after you started driving, I held my phone in my hands, to await your text message that you had passed. And you called and you laughed and then we both started to shout: woohoo!! Flying colors! Congrats sweetie! You just opened another door to a bright future. So proud of you! 

A happy camper!

You said your intention was, to once get 70% on your school report. That's why you decided to prepare your exams in school instead of at home. Too much distraction at home. At least, there's nothing left to do in school than study. I was proud of you, for making this decision. And guess what? It worked! You studied hard and by the last week of your exams, you were completely drained and exhausted. What a relief it was to you, to get your grades from your teacher and read that magic number. You made it sweetheart. So proud of you! 

Christmas time

Photo Lana Joos

It's Christmas time. Driving around at night, I can see houses lit in Christmas lights. Beautifully decorated Christmas trees and presents stacked around them. Chris Rea is - once again - singing his Driving home for Christmas while I'm in the car, on my way home from a night out at the theater. I'm thinking of baking cranberry cookies as a gift for my sisters-in-law and figuring out a way of getting us all look our best for the holidays. We are so lucky to still be having our inlaws. When it comes to family gathering, they always open up their home for all of us. Trust me, there's more of us every year. Now the oldest nephews and nieces have started dating, we get to know new people. This year, there's a wonderful new baby in the family as well. It's good to know that all family members do their best to cooperate and make Christmas an everlasting memory. I no longer fear the extra pounds that seam to cling to our hips every year, since I gave up on Fat Talk. I do the best I can to eat healthily most of the time. There will be several options on Christmas Eve and I know many of us will embrace that thought.
I hope you will all enjoy your family and wish you and your beloved ones an exquisite time together.

Hello World

It was freezing cold this morning. I didn't feel like getting out of bed yet, especially not after lacking too much sleep. But it was a working day and there's nothing left to do than get up and going. A cup of hot coffee and steamed milk got me going. I cuddled the whippets before I sneaked out and into my car. Driving up the highway, I turned on the radio and the wonderful song Hello World immediately made me smile. Looking in my rearview mirror, I could see a beautiful sunrise and I had a hard time focusing on the road ahead of me. My eyes kept going back to see that beautiful orange ball of fire. Life is swell, even when it's dark and cold..

Just the two of us

I like our midweek dates. It's good to come over to your place every now and then to catch up and have a private meeting. There isn't always time at home to talk about what keeps you busy and how you've been doing in college. You live by yourself now and you do great! Your room is clean, you cook your own meals and find your way to school without skipping any classes. New friends are being made and you have found some extra activities to join in. Although the nights are getting darker and colder, you haven't given up on living away from home. On the contrary, you have made your room very cozy. You adore the Christmas atmosphere and you were so looking forward to decorating your room with Christmas lights. We are looking forward to having you home again for a while. These Christmas holidays will be different, for your midterms are coming up. First time you will have to study for your college exams, not knowing what it will be like since there's no comparison yet. You don't have an older sibling to ask for advice. Being the oldest means you have more responsibility and you need to find things out on your own. I'm sure that can put strain on you at times. How about we schedule a good massage, to let go of all that built up tension?

Do you remember the times?

I tried to go back in times and remember how I felt during school exams. Did I worry? Did I study? Was I distracted way too often or was I good at keeping my nose into my books? It seems like ages ago (don't even think of going there) ... Exams are stressful. They can keep you awake at night and they can haunt you. We're not the kind of parents that punish our children for not having the best results. Not having the best results is bad enough a punishment already.
When I go through the school books of my daughter, I'm startled at how difficult the contents is. Did we learn the same things? I can't remember.. it just looks more difficult now. There's is so much of me in my youngest daughter. The way she keeps her books and the neat handwriting. How she makes the effort to write properly and make summaries of the classes she attended. Drawing in between, having a snack, catch some extra sleep.. It's so recognizable. I know she'll get there. She doesn't have to stress. No accidents will happen if some grades are not what you expected them to be. Overall, you do really well in school. Screw math, don't worry about French. There's more to life. xx 

Scatterbrain

Honestly, I don't know what happened, but my mind is always distracted lately. I can't focus properly, I forget things and I don't seem to hear what people try to tell me. Too often I have to ask my friends to repeat what they have just said, because I missed parts of the conversation. It's like my brain is not keeping up with the thoughts?

I'm too busy doing a zillion things. I need to make priority lists so I can get things done before they get out of hand. So much running around, driving way too many miles in too little time. Rush rush in the rat race. I long for next week. I long for some quiet time.. My brain just doesn't stop talking to itself. There are so many things I need to remember and cannot forget. Forgive me for not hearing you or for asking things for the third time. I'm getting there. Today will be more organized. Maybe my hairdresser can massage my skull and let some tension drift off. A night out with my sister-in-law sounds very appealing, so we're heading towards the beauty salon together. Zen...