You might think..

that I don't want to go to bed early because of you.. But that's not the case. I'm scared. In fact I'm terrified. I have had so many nightly lows the last months, and I mean low-low (like in the 20s), that I'm anxious to go to bed. I'm afraid my hypo will be so low, that I won't wake up and go into a coma. You are never aware of my lows at night and that scares me even more. Will you realise it, when I'm unconscious? Will you know what to do? What if you have the early shift that day and the kids find me? It freaks me out, it really does.. So I stay up as long as I can. If I don't sleep, I don't have to be afraid that a low won't wake me up. And every time I wake up at night, I poke my finger to check my blood for lows.. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted.

I have never passed out before, when I had a low, because mostly I woke up just in time. That's probably what scares me the most: not having had the experience of passing out. Not knowing how it feels or what it does to your body. Well, I don't want to have the first passing out experience at night! I remember being in the hospital at one point, and I asked my endocrinologist to give me an overdose of insulin, just so I could experience a low with passing out. But she wouldn't do it. I thought it was the safest place to try it out, because they would be there to bring me back. But she didn't give in.. So I'm still stuck with this same feeling..

I don't blame you for not understanding how lows feel. You are not a diabetic and although you might know the theory, you haven't been there. Can I expect you to understand it? I tell you in the morning if I had a low at night, but I don't know how you feel about that. Because you don't tell me..

When I saw Dr. Feelgood the other day, he told me to raise my basal pattern in the early morning. I warned him that I would experience even more nightly lows if I did so. But you agreed with him.. you said he was right, because my A1c level is still not below 7%. I thought, of all people, you should be the one that knows how hard I try to get good control. That comment really hurt me. You are supposed to back me up, especially because I do the best I can.

Of course I could lower my basal pattern again, for the night. But I do want a lower A1c! I want you to be proud of me. I want good control. I'm scared of complications, due to high A1c levels. 

I just need you to hold me, and tell me everything is going to be okay..