Friday, November 30, 2012

Happy as a hound

little Romeo

Inthe and Valerie, 3 years old
We were invited to go for a whippet walk in Antwerp, to celebrate the birthday of Inthe and her sister Valerie. Of course there cannot be a party without friends. And friends there were! Like 14 of them! We had a ball and so did the dogs. It's always great to meet with other whippet lovers. The dogs always get along well. They can run their lungs out and fool around with their friends. They know someone will throw a ball they can chase. Our dogs were real happy to have so many friends to play with. There was the galgo Lola and the whippet puppy Romeo, there was the blue Stephanie and the sweetheart Robijn. Little Vief and Dee, who loves to stare at people until they feed him. The sun was out and even though it was freezing cold in the afternoon, we walked for 5 hours (okay, we sat down for 1 hour to have lunch in between). I fell in love with little Romeo.. he's only 3 months old and he's such a cutie. His owner was already looking into a playmate for Romeo. I'm pretty sure little Julio will come live with them within a week or two. Because that's what whippets do: they have this talent to make you love them. I know I wouldn't want any other breed of dog. Whippets rule!

Today was supposed to be a diabetesfree day. I say "supposed", because that 43 and 299 really spoiled the fun for a while, but there were no other diabetic friends to discuss this with. I corrected the numbers and I kept going. I hear walking makes you energetic. I'm exhausted and worn out, but yes, I did enjoy the day...  

Thursday, November 29, 2012

On the other hand...

On my way home from the hospital, I had some time to think things over. I was angry and upset but I was also amazed about the information the doctor had given me. To be honest, it was not the first time I had heard this advice. Then why did it come as such a surprise to me? Maybe I didn't want to hear the truth. Maybe I wasn't ready to alter my life and let go of the diabetes. But I did realize something had to happen in order to get rid of that never ending fatigue.

I was still upset when I got home. My family had cooked dinner but I couldn't eat. The ribbons of fresh pasta got stuck in my throat and the tears were stinging behind my eye lids. I wanted to talk to my D friends and I needed their support. They know what it's like, if you have a chronic disease that consumes a lot of your time. Or don't they?

It felt good to read their comments and feel their virtual hugs and reassuring words. Some had the nerve to tell me more or less the same Dr Feelgood had told me. He was not the only one who thought it was over the top. So maybe it was time for me to reevaluate my life. Hubby had suggested the idea a while ago, but I didn't want to listen. After all, he doesn't have a chronic disease, so how would he know what it feels like? I must admit, I locked him out. Although he is very supportive of what I do, he also feels that D is wearing me out. No, he knows I am wearing me out.. I needed a hug. I needed a comforting arm and no words. I needed someone to help me lick my wounds.

It's time to get up and make some agreements. I have to reconsider my life and let go of some activities. Maybe I gave up the wrong hobbies, like this blog. I thought it would help me get more family time and more quality of life. I did miss writing here though. Maybe I should.. maybe I should.. let go..

An eye opener

It took me some time to figure it out...

I had an appointment with Dr Feelgood, the endocrinologist I have been frequenting for the past 2 years. He's Dutch. Not that special, one would say. But it also means that he is articulate and straight forward and pretty frank. I wanted to talk to him about the never ending fatigue. I'm so exhausted. Going to bed earlier and sleeping in late feels good at times, but it doesn't solve the problem. In the end I'm still exhausted.

A wanna be endocrinologist received me in her office. She was going to interrogate me and then she would inform the real doctor. I was not happy at all with this announcement. I didn't want to tell her my story for she doesn't know me nor my background. Which she contradicted, looking through my medical file. I was getting a little wrought up, because I don't want any trainees going through my files. She asked me questions about previous visits. Questions I didn't want to answer because I thought they were not intended for her ears. Anyway, I told her about my fatigue and she ignored it, pointing out my latest HbA1C was a good 7.3%. A bit higher than the previous 7, but I had been expecting it. I was still happy with that outcome and so was she. She asked if I needed any prescription drugs. I answered that I wanted to talk to my doctor...

They discussed the consultation in the hallway. I could hear them murmur before the door swung open and both of them entered the musty cabinet. He shook my hand and said straight away: I see you are doing well. Your numbers are okay. I agreed that my A1c was good. I also told him it could be better and I would work on it. He didn't like my perfectionism. To me, it's a way to stay on track, to not let things get out of hand. After all, diabetes is there 24/7. You can't just turn off the knob and hope your numbers will still be okay.

I told him about the fatigue. Again. Because on two previous occasions I told him the same thing and I had the impression he hadn't heard me. This time he heard me allright, because I was pretty stern about the subject. That's when the frank answer hit me in the face. It's my own perfectionism that is striking back. I'm the victim of my own drive. Diabetes is too much alive in my life. Pretty ironic huh? I felt attacked. I felt numb and alone and sad and misunderstood. But he kept going. He asked me about my daily life. He wanted to know how much the diabetes was present in my activities. Okay, I admit, it's there, all the time. Many of my friends are diabetics. I frequent diabetes meetings and diabetes pubs and I visit my fellow diabetics when they are not feeling well. I motivate others on and many people have a number to call when they have questions. I do presentations on my life with D and I try to keep control over my own medical situation. Exactly, he replied... You are not physically exhausted. Your mind needs to be cleared and refilled with non-diabetic subjects. It's just been too much. Get a grip on yourself and move forward. Don't let the diabetes take over. It's your life with D, it's not Diabetes and you...

I didn't die right there on the spot. I waited for the safety of my car. Could care less if someone else saw my tears. I felt so torn apart. Nobody can take away my life. It's what I like to do. It's what gives me energy. It is my life.

To be continued..