Tuesday, October 28, 2014

I was wondering...

why it had been so long since I last blogged. Have things been too hectic around here? Was I running out of inspiration? Maybe other priorities? I really don't know. It just didn't happen for a while. I had the intention to blog every now and then, but I never really got to it.

Today is the day I need to blog. Because I'm sad. Because I want to scream and shout. Because life is a bitch. I feel devastated and hurt and my heart is bleeding. Scrolling back through my blog, I saw that one of my last blogs was about how we are just promised today, not tomorrow. I can't believe this actually has happened. You had not yet come to terms with your papie's passing. You missed him so much and your heart didn't find the right way to heal. You missed your rock, your inspiration, your guideline and your mentor. He meant the world to you..

Did you ever realize how much you meant to that same world? Did you ever hear your family and friends say how much they appreciated you? You were so special, so unique, so unselfish. Whatever you did, you did in the best interest of others. I never heard you talk bad about anyone. You were always a very good listener and your heart was big enough to hold a great bunch of friends.

I liked to stop by, whenever I went to Bruges. Your cute little dog Troy was your pride, although you still missed Chablis, your previous dog. Troy is waiting for you to come home, sitting by the screen door, not understanding why the house is filled with crying people holding on to each other. I picked him up and tried to comfort him. We tried to comfort each other. Your daughter, your son, your husband and your friends.. we were all there to try to understand the reason for your being taken away. I do understand there is a reason for everything but I really can't see any reason for this loss. You were born 6 months before me. Too young to go explore the other world. Why? Just why???  You were needed here... you had been doing so well lately, trying to get control of your diabetes.
Do you remember our first date, at your parents' house? There was this instant click. It's been just a little over a year since we first met, but it seemed like we had known each other for much longer. Sometimes there is this connection one cannot explain. Even if we hadn't seen each other for some time, we just picked up where our last conversation ended.

You called me, late that Tuesday night. Our eldest daughter had been in an accident and you wanted to know if she was okay. We chitchatted a bit and we were making an appointment for a gathering with D-friends. I was having a low during our conversation so you told me to get some coke and promised me we would continue our conversation the next day. I will never forget that horrific Wednesday, October 22.. I wanted to hold you and tell you everything was going to be okay. I wanted to make sure the hospital staff did not remove your Dexcom so they would know if you went low. Being in a coma would not give you the opportunity to tell anyone if your bloodsugar was dropping. That worried me. What if you realized you were low but you couldn't speak? It is so terrifying..

I guess we will never really know what made your heart stop so sudden, so out of the blue. There was no prehistory of heart issues. Your diabetes was under control and you were not sick. We have been told you didn't suffer at all, if that can be of any comfort to anyone. I just wished we could turn back time..