It's been too long

There were so many occasions to blog about. So many opportunities to share and yet, I couldn't find the motivation to write things down and memorize the important things in life. Weeks go by and there are still not enough hours in a day to sit down and relax. We just came back from Florida, the same day MH17 got shot down in Ukrain.. It makes you reflect over life and you come to the realization life can be over in seconds. So many families that have lost loved ones. Children who have lost their parents, parents without their children, grandparents who have lost both children and grandchildren. We are thankful for having returned home safely and most important: as a complete family.

Florida was like coming home again. It felt so good, so natural. We didn't come in through Sanford Airport this time. We decided to pay Miami a visit before driving that Jeep Grand Cherokee Limited Edition all the way to Kissimmee. It was amazing. So different but yet so familiar. How I have missed those trees, the highways, the weather, the people. This vacation was more active than our previous ones. We swam with manatees, went kayaking in Wekiwa Springs, did some shopping, visited numerous restaurants, had the best sushi, shopped some more, enjoyed different beaches and springs (we had never before seen water that clear and pure as in Juniper and Wekiwa Springs), celebrated July 4th near the Lakefront Park in Kissimmee, screamed our lungs out on a local rodeo event, visited Saint Augustine (man, my calves hurt for 3 days after climbing that lighthouse - I really need to work on getting in shape) and had the honor to spend a day at the Children With Diabetes congress in Orlando. I had been invited by Scott Johnson, a T1 colleague who lives in Minnesota and has been a wonderful diabetes advocate for many years. We met so many wonderful people on the congress and I felt blessed for this event, that has been created to make life of children with T1 diabetes a little bit easier. 

It was wonderful. We had been looking forward to Florida all year and it was no disappointment. I really hope to go back next year.. 

The girls did well in school and as usual: we are very proud of them. It's a privilege to see them grow up and do well. They are amazing and a true blessing. They are growing up alright. Lana has bought her first car (thank you Mammie, for giving her this opportunity) and she's been loving it ever since. It gives her independence and I can relate to her joy. It is such a big step into adulthood to have a car of your own and to be able to drive yourself to wherever you want to be. I still get that same overwhelming feeling whenever I get another car. By the way: the next car is a fact: right before we left for Florida, my new car found its way to our home. I didn't want to give up on 4x4, so this time we got a Honda CR-V. It's been a joy driving it so far.

Eva started working weekends in a restaurant. It gives us something new to talk about. I'm proud of her. Working in restaurants is hard and working late hours isn't easy if you need a lot of sleep. But she's holding on and she'll be combining it with her job at the nursing home during the summer holidays. It gives her some extra money to spend and it makes her realize life is hard and you need to work for a living. She gets responsibility and praise for what she's doing and that is so important at the age of 17. It is important at any age.

There's so much more to tell and I will get to it eventually. For now, let things be and get some rest. I need to go to bed and get up early in the morning. 

Looking good there!

It had been a while - you said 2 months at the least - since we last got together. Things have been quite hectic around here. I can see you during the day and you prefer evening get aways. So it's not always easy to schedule a date, but today we finally met up again.

Foto Cathy Van de Moortele

You looked fab! You dyed your hair and it was a bit shorter than last time I saw you. I felt like caressing your growing belly, but I wasn't too sure you would appreciate that. It was almost emotional to see you pregnant, since I missed your previous pregnancy. I was so anxious to hear the sex of your baby. You didn't want to tell me over the phone, so I had to be patient, but it was worth the wait. I'm so happy for you. That baby will be loved and cuddled and spoiled rotten. Not only by you and your family, but by your beautiful and intelligent son as well.

We sat down for a picnic that I had made for us. We babbled and laughed and ate in between the story telling. It was nice to sit out there, just the two of us - and that little cutie in your belly of course - discussing life and motherhood. You're a great mom. I hear your insecurity and your worries, but there's no need to. Children do real well if loved and you have plenty of love to give.

So looking forward to the end of August. This time, I'll be there to support you and stand by your side xx

What if happiness is not that obvious?

We all know the world is full of bellies carrying little babies. Once you're pregnant yourself or looking forward to having a baby, you see even more moms to be. One of my friends has had a baby just recently (and yes, I miss her and our chats, but don't we all know how busy our lives become once those little ones enter our homes), another one has a belly that is full of life and growing way too fast (I want to enjoy that wonderful sight of her pregnancy - I missed her previous one) and a third friend is in the early stage of expecting new life, while a fourth is about to deliver any time now.

Having two wonderful daughters of my own, I know what it's like to expect a child and give birth. I know the feeling of bringing new life into this world, the pain of being in labor and the happiness once that little creature uses its voice for the very first time. It's a feeling only moms can experience. Your life will never be the same, once you can call yourself a mom.

What if you have this dream, this one and only dream that would fill your life with so much joy and happiness that you would do anything to achieve your goal? What if things don't work out the way you want them to? Do people ever realize how hard it must be, when people ask you how come you haven't got children of your own? I can tell you: it hurts like hell. It sucks! It's not a good feeling at all... it can be very damaging indeed. Most of the time, the people asking, don't mean any harm. They are just trying to have a conversation and ask for the "obvious". But apparently it's not that obvious. Having children may not be that obvious at all. Sometimes the process can be really hard and the road to travel very long.  If only we could keep that in mind and support our friends and family that are so looking forward to having a little Prince or Princess of their own. An extra cuddle, some kind words and sympathy or small talk over a big mug of coffee. It's not that much to ask for. It's a delicate subject and there's not much you can do to help the other, but listen and understand. I care for you, my beautiful friend. I wish you all the best and all the luck in the world. My thumbs are still facing the stars. 

While that's all fine and dandy..

It's been a year now, since this very nice man asked me to pull up my shirt, so he could insert this thingamajig into my tummy. I had no idea what to expect or if this device would be meaningful enough to me to have it glued to my body 24/7. I never asked to get diabetes, I never asked to be given this stupid chronic disease. But it's there, it ain't going nowhere and I have to own it to make a difference. I have accepted my condition a long time ago. Although a cure is not yet found, we have access to great technology nowadays. I wish all of my peers could have this same availability to whatever they need to keep their diabetes in control. Life is hard enough as it is.. We can use all the support out there. You may not really know what it's like to have diabetes, but a little bit of compassion and sympathy goes a long way.

Last night, I got a phone call from a very nice lady. She's Dutch and very smart, witty and enthusiastic. I told her it was too bad she didn't have diabetes, because now she couldn't join our club... Of course I didn't mean that (I would not want to nominate anyone for this bloody disease), but that's the kind of conversation we had: very open, spontaneous and honest. Although this lady is not a diabetic herself, she sure knows what she's talking about. It always startles me that non-diabetics make it their goal in life to help diabetics in whatever they find worthwhile.

So this lady and I talked for a while (...) and the conversation felt like I had known her for a long time. Her enthusiasm struck me. I was startled to hear about her determination in finding a cure for T1 diabetes. She knows people. She knows more than a handful of people - people that matter when it comes to finding a cure. She's a manager working for JDRF Holland and she's the one when it comes to fundraising, getting in touch with people who want to make the difference. I was happy she called me and I would be very honored if I could mean something to JDRF and all of us diabetics out there.

Insulin pumps are wonderful and Dexcom is the invention of the century for people with diabetes. While that's all fine and dandy: it's not a cure. We may seem very relaxed and coping, we all still have diabetes. Technology has improved massively and researchers all over the world are doing the best they can to come up with that cure that will kick diabetes in the butt. We need money though... a whole lot of money. Researchers are so close, but they need extra funding to finish what they have started.

That same night, I got another call from Holland. I met this lady a couple of years ago, on a diabetes congress in Brussels. I remembered her as a lady with pezaz, a driving force and most of all: a mom of a sweet little girl with diabetes. That girl is 9 years old now and a cure has not been found yet. It is time to spread the word again and sit around the table for a serious session of brainstorming. Are you with me?

Hands, touching hands

Hands, touching hands

Reaching out, touching me, touching you..

Humans are not made to live all by themselves. We need company to stay focused and nourish our inner selves. Being by yourself for too long, can make you sad and moody. You probably feel empty and blue and you long for someone to talk to. Someone to tell your stories to, to watch a movie with, to share a meal or to take for a walk.

This little girl is never alone. She has so many loving people surrounding her. She can't tell what she thinks or how she feels, but her wonderful smile when she hears your voice as soon as you open the door, is so comforting. She knows you're there. She knows she's not alone. It is reassuring that we know she always has someone around her. As soon as the garage door opens to let daddy's car in, I can see that little face light up! She just knows her daddy will come and hug her and tell her about his day at work. Mommy cannot leave the house without kissing her on the cheeks. She protests if the kiss is being forgotten. It is heartwarming to see little man hug and kiss his big sister whenever he comes home. He loves her so much and she loves him back, in her very own way.

I feel so honored to be part of this little girl's life. It is peaceful to have her in my lap and have her grab my finger before she closes her eyes for her afternoon nap. She's special. I can feel her love. Her heart is so big and she moves so many others. She's a true blessing..

In that case you are totally hired

Broken oven door: fixed.
Vacuuming the house: done.
Removing cabinet door to the microwave to be fixed: check.
Ironing baskets full of laundry: perfect!
Making the house clutter free:  all righty!
Walking the dogs, day after day, cold or wet outside: sign me up.
Coming up with great ideas for Christmas presents: woohoo!
Going to work in between chores: always.

Thank you for doing all the things you do. It makes life easier x

A mother's nightmare

I'm a member of different diabetes groups on the Internet, so every now and then, in between good news, there's also sad news to read. Today, right before lunch, I read the story on little Jillian. Tears were stinging in the corner of my eyes, just by reading her mom's diary. Little Jillian was diagnosed just recently, June 2013. She was a fun girl, going to kindergarten until D changed her life. She would never again be the innocent 4 yo she was before. From that day on, Jillian would need special care and special attention until the day she could take care of herself or until the day a cure for diabetes is found.

If you still think, diabetes is "nothing special" or if you make statements like "at least it's not cancer", well let me tell you this. Diabetes is no game. It's a life threatening disease. It's always there and you must always be on the lookout for highs and lows. Other people have no idea what it's like to be constantly aware of the fact that overdosing insulin might take your life. High bloodsugar can make you extremely sick and may require hospital treatment. Lows can make you lose consciousness as well if not treated right away. The fear of everyone with diabetes, is to not wake up from a diabetic low.. It is scary and although it doesn't happen very often, people do die from unnoticed diabetic lows.

This is what I read on the blog of Jillian's mom.. it made the hairs in the back of my neck stand up immediately. I feel so sad for her loss. I don't know Jillian, nor do I know her family. But I do know this must be any mother's nightmare. Children are not supposed to go before their parents. This little girl was not even 5. She will be missed by so many people. We have to find a cure for this ugly disease. No family should go through such an ordeal. Only 4 months after being diagnosed, this little girl's life was taken. Jillian was in hospital, being treated for high sugar levels. She had an IV and nurses were guarding her. Nevertheless, she died in her sleep. Nobody could save her from this bloody disease.

I have had a discussion with my endocrinologist over CGM. You all know by now, I use a Dexcom continuous glucose monitoring system. It helps me identify lows and highs if my body fails at warning me. And it does fail at times. I do feel most of my lows, but being asleep is always tricky. Having diabetes makes you tired and sometimes catching sleep is more important than spending time in the twilight zone, making sure you are not fully asleep. You want to make sure you guard yourself from going low so you don't sleep well. Because of my Dexcom, nowadays I can sleep better and deeper, because I know it will warn me from unnoticed lows. Just a couple of days ago, I was so happy with my "flatline" on my Dexcom readings... this is how it's supposed to be.
Not the flatline Jillian got..
I wish little Jillian would've had Dexcom equipment. It is not a gadget, like some people dare to call it. It's my life saver. I'm so grateful for my Dexcom. It's not a cure, but it can help me get the best treatment possible until a cure will be found.
Please let all of your love go to Jillian's family now. Their life will never be the same..

She went to bed last night with a blood sugar of 214 and when the nurse tested her at 5am she was 122 which is where we wanted to be. But at 8am when they went to wake her up she didn't get up. Somewhere between 5:30 and 8am this morning she fell into diabetic coma and died in her sleep.

Expectations

They expect very little of me. All they want, is that I take care of their little girl in the best way possible. I nourish her, tube feed her the medication she needs and cuddle her on the couch, while she takes one of her naps. I've been taking care of Kiddo for 1 year and a half now and there hasn't been one day of hesitation to leave for work. Every other week I don't work on the weekend. I do miss her if it's been a while. Although she doesn't talk, we understand each other. I talk to you and I sing songs for you. I tell you stories and I comb your hair. I change your knickers and hold your pacifier for you.

I feel blessed, for your parents have asked me to work extra hours. About 9 hours extra a month until the end of the year and then 18 hours extra a month from January on. I didn't have to think it over. Another chance to spend time with you and learn from you. You are very special Kiddo. Whenever you cross my mind, I can see your pretty smile and hear your sound of laughter..

Quality time

That's exactly what it was: grown up quality time. It was meant as a late birthday gift from my Hubby. Our first intention was to plan a city trip abroad, but we changed our mind and decided to spend some special time nearby. A friend of mine had passed on the link of Manoir Ogygia in Poperinge. It was exactly what we were looking for: quiet time, nature, fine dining, relaxation, wellness and each other of course. It was everything we had asked for and more. These are times to meet up again, away from all the hectic times and busy schedules. Time for each other, time for intimacy and bonding (oh please, I said BONDING, not bondage). It was good, not to say it was perfect.

It was good to stroke the crow's feet next to his eyes, for they tell me he's happy and in love. I saw the sparkle in his eyes and the good conversations made us happy. Watching him stretch his broad shoulders, telling me that he's content and proud and that warms my heart. I love him. He's very special to me. We should have more of these get aways. They are worth it...

Am I missing something here?

Last week, your mommy and I were discussing a future visit to the hospital. You needed some special attention and your parents were scheduling an appointment for the week to come. None of us realized that visit to the hospital would be sooner than planned...

We were relaxing upstairs, in the attic that has been designed especially for you. Watching a movie while you were fast asleep in my lap, your formula was dripping down the feeding tubes into your tummy, just the way it's supposed to do. You were not making any noises but the soft sucking sounds of your pacifier. Your finger was holding my index and I was stroking some strands of hair out of your pretty face. That's when I noticed the little stains of milk on my pants. It does happen sometimes, that one of the gates of your PEG is not tightly secured. Nothing wrong with the tubing though. Hmhm... I remembered last weeks conversation with your mommy and immediately I pulled up your shirt to check your PEG. I was not prepared to see what I saw: a big hole in your tummy. There was some blood around the edges. I decided to call your parents right away and bring you downstairs to take care of the wound. In the meantime, I had called your nana, for I didn't want to loose any time. I had no idea whether I had to disinfect the wound, stay away from it, cover it with sterile bandage. I decided to cover the hole with sterile bandage and tape and wait for your parents to come help out. Your nana was there in little less than 6 minutes. She was a bit stunned since this had not happened before. Apparently the little balloon in your tummy had worn out and deflated. That's why it had come out so easily. It was very important to insert a new PEG as soon as possible, for the hole starts to close real fast. That's when mommy and daddy jumped in. Running upstairs to get the spare PEG, the manual was being spread out on the table to find out how a PEG needs to be inserted correctly. None of us had ever done this. A phone call to the hospital, didn't bring any solution, so it was all up to your mommy. She didn't hesitate and inserted the tubing all the way down to your stomach where it's supposed to be. Time to inject 5 ml of water into the tubing to see if the water went in or not. Out of the blue, someone stopped by to drop off a bunch of pancakes. She happens to be a nurse and she happens to be THE nurse who gives you special injections when you are extremely sick. What a gift she decided to stop by today... She confirmed the PEG to be inserted correctly. What a relief...

A couple of phone calls later (hospitals are terrible on weekends), your parents could finally pick you up and have you checked out.

That were some scary moments Princess. I'm glad you're okay. I'm glad your mommy was cool enough to help you. 

I can do red carpet

I admit it, I admit it. It flattered my ego to get all the birthday wishes on my cell phone, Facebook, sites I frequent, .. It was fun to read the special wishes. I know quite some people and I can honestly say I put a lot of time and energy in keeping up with everybody. So thank you all for having me in your thoughts today.

I haven't had much time to spend with my beloved ones today. It was one of the busiest days in the last month, but I enjoyed every minute of it. I do admit I'm exhausted now and tomorrow will be another hectic day, but it'll be great fun to have this bunch of people over.

Does 42 feel different than 41? Not really. I'm still thinking about what this extra year has meant to me. What have I done in the past year and what are my goals for the upcoming year? I have some thinking to do. It was special to hug my girls tonight and to know I'm still around to be their mom. I'll be happy to have my sensor restart in 15 min, so I can go to bed and crawl up against my husband and kiss him goodnight. I have a good life. At the age of 42, I can say I'm happy to be around, alive and kicking. Maybe not in ship shape and a teeny bit overweight, but my mind is young and my energy is coming back. Goodnight to you all. xx

Excusez-moi?

"Bonsoir, c'est Freddy, c'est pour la commande"... I hated those phone calls. How I truly hated those phone calls. Us kids dreaded Thursday evenings. We would make sure we were not downstairs around that time of night, when my dad's French customers would call in to pass on their order. I was like 14 or 15 at the time and my French was not that good to comprehend the fast as lightning French sentences. You know how those Frenchmen can rattle? Well, they didn't care we were only kids and French was not our maternal tongue. My father wanted us to learn French and school French was not sufficient. I don't recall us learning about "quatre fûts de Jupiler" in school. I had no idea what "fûts" meant and most of the time, I would scribble down: fuut. I would say: "oui" and more "oui" although I didn't understand a word of what that Freddy-guy was saying. It was really stressful and I knew my father would ask me if I had written everything down correctly. To be honest, I had no idea. I was supposed to repeat what I had written before putting down the phone, but I never did. There were no cell phones in those days nor caller ID. We never knew in advance who would be at the other side.
Was it helpful? I guess so. Do I speak French fluently? Absolutely not, but it's probably a whole lot better than the French my peers speak. I'm still not crazy about speaking French, but I manage. Je me débrouille, if you know what I mean. And if you don't know, it's probably because your father didn't run his own business and he didn't have a Monsieur Freddy call in weekly to place his order...

Stepping out of your comfort zone

I remember you saying things like: I will never ever have children or Children or nothing but a pain in the bum. Then your dad and I would look at each other and exchange glances. I remember how I used to state those same lines. But we ended up with two lovely daughters and nothing compares to that feeling of unconditional love.

You're away now, with a bunch of small children. You are their parent for 10 days and you will have to comfort and feed and play and read stories. Nights will be short and days will be long and you will be exhausted by the time you come home. It asked many hours of preparation to come up with a theme, activities and craft moments. There were organisation skills involved to figure out the amount of food needed for the whole crowd during their stay in Booischot. There were moments when you ran out of inspiration, but it didn't keep you from surfing the Internet to find what you were looking for. Because that's who you are: your perseverance and enthusiasm is inimitable. The kids are lucky to have you around. Strict but righteous, you will let the children have a great time but still have them obey the rules. They won't fight you, for they know the limits, since you will have determined the boundaries for them, not to be misunderstood.

It's pretty quiet around here. Every now and then, we read an update on Facebook and we see pictures come by. You're having a wonderful time. Your vacation was packed with outings and fun stuff and yet there is more to come. Another camp isn't that far off and your first holiday abroad with a friend will be there before you know it. And by then, it will be time for college... Enjoy the kids, enjoy your friends and have a ball!

Daddy's girls

They lay down on the couch, their eyes closing every now and then, to continue their dreams of chasing cats and bunnies. It's still very quiet around the house. The sunbeams peek through the windows and I have turned down the volume of the radio, for I don't want to disturb the silence of this Sunday morning. Right above my head, I hear him stumble out of bed. Inthe has heard something too, for she's pointing one ear and her eyes are open wide. Could it be? Is it time to get up? O yes! I can hear daddy flush the toilet before he comes down the stairs. Backwards, of course, just the way his mom taught him as a child. Some of the steps are creaking but that's part of the charm of a one century old house. By the time dad is down the hallway, both dogs are waiting for him by the door. They are all excited, to be seen by the wagging of their tail. He has a hard time coming inside, because they are blocking the doorway. Daddy's here! Daddy's here! How lovely!

While I make coffee, Daddy scratches his hair and yawns away the sleep. He rubs his eyes and touches his beard, to see if he needs a shave. Both dogs are sitting beside him at the kitchen table. They are like statues, so quiet. Their gaze is focused on one person: Daddy.. He tells them he wants to have his yogurt and cereal breakfast before the walk. So they wait a bit longer. Once he gets up and puts on his clothes, Inthe becomes his very own shadow. She won't loose track of him now. Rebba is more chill about it. So she strolls back to the couch, throws out the pillows I just rearranged, scratches the cushions and then finds a better spot on the other side. Her head is pointed towards the kitchen though and her ears are turning constantly. Daddy is looking for his shoes and when he opens the door to get the leashes, Inthe is loosing her marbles. She sticks to his leg and follows him all around. As a joke, he walks around the table and she is right there, beside him.

"Wanna go for a walk?" Inthe puts her legs right on his shoulders and licks his ears and nose. Her tail is even more excited and can't stop wagging. Rebba is trying to look the most uninterested as possible. She's a bit different, you know. She needs her own special invitation. Daddy walks towards Rebba and asks her in a soft voice: "Wanna go for a walk, Rebba?". "Who? Me? Really? Are you kidding me? Of course!". That's when Rebba finally gets of the couch to put on her leash. Both dogs look at me like if they want to say: aren't you coming, mom?

The house is quiet again. The dogs are enjoying their walk. They are marking their territory as often as they can, before Daddy frees them from their leashes. They can run their lungs out at the soccer field, playing fetch and chasing each other. Daddy gets to pick up the poop and trash the purple bags somewhere along the line. The girls are so different and yet so much alike. Almost like our two daughters, I guess. The oldest dog has Daddy's last name, while Inthe is carrying my last name. Just like Lana looks after her father and Eva is mommy's girl. People may have the same features as their pets. Sometimes the children do too..

Looking at things from the right angle

I loved to look at you, when you were turning the handle of your little bingo machine. Very focused and extremely serious, you would write down the numbers of the tiny balls that came rolling out of the machine. You would take a second glance at the numbers on the sheet of paper and then decide whether you needed to spin the machine again or not. I don't know what made you decide the numbers were good or bad, although you tried to explain it to me a number of times. There had to be some meaning or logic in the sequence of the numbers. If you couldn't trace that logic, you were convinced they wouldn't do you any good. So you started all over again. The tiny balls were put back into the machine and you would spin the handle again. It could take quite some time for you to finish your game. Then you would ask your children what they thought was the best series of numbers. They were very serious about it too. I suspect they would not even have tried to joke about it, because they knew how important it was to you..

I remember two occasions, where your daughter pointed out a series of numbers. You didn't agree and you picked your own. The funny thing is, you would hold on to the piece of paper, scribbled with dozens of numbers, while you were watching the lottery on TV. You would be all sweaty and everybody had to leave you alone and be quiet. On two occasions, your daughter was right about all 6 numbers! That is, if you would have handed in her choice of numbers.. The sadness on your face was really moving, when the host of the show would state the amount of money one could've won. You went on for many, many years and you kept all the scribbles with numbers for as long as it took. Every now and then, you would go back to one particular note and pick the same sequence. But the bingo machine kept going and you kept writing down new combinations..

We filled out lottery tickets for a number of years. It didn't bring us more than what we had paid for, so we finally gave up. It must be awesome to win the lottery. But guess what? I have my family. No lottery ticket can compete with that. Just look at things from the right angle.. Winning a suitcase full of money must be fab, but it can bring you bad luck as well. Making your own luck is a longer journey but it's worth the try.

Born again

Sometimes in life, we do things or make choices we later regret. No matter what led us to making that choice, we should hold ourselves responsible. There may be circumstances where one could say: I honestly believe you had such a rough time that you saw no other way than to do what you did. Of course there where other solutions, but you were either not ready to see them or you chose to pursue the only way you knew. It takes courage to change your ways and perseverance to go on. Giving up will most certainly have been a possibility that crossed your mind. Something or someone must have given you the strength to give up your addiction and start all over. With a family of 5 children, things needed to change. You were about to loose your job over your addiction and that would've been a total disaster. Your children have only known you as a father that was never present. They missed a dad, being there for them. They remember you as being away or claiming the couch because the alcohol had made you sleepy. The day you gave up drinking, your children were no longer children. They already had a life of their own. Have you set an example to your children? Did you ever talk to them about what an addiction means to your family? It's been 21 years now, since you have sobered up. I met you 19 years ago and I've never seen the drunk man you were before. Every Monday, you meet with your fellow friends to talk about your addiction. I don't know all of the steps in the plan, but is there a step that teaches you how to talk about your addiction with your family? Are you never afraid one of your children will become an addict as well? I know it scares me.. They say kids mimic their parents. If you grow up with a parent who thought drinking is a normal way of life, does that make you more vulnerable to getting an addiction yourself? Is the drinking a way of dealing with problems and emotions? How do you deal with issues if the only way you know, is loosing yourself in alcohol..

I'm happy you have been sober for 21 years. It gave you a different life. You have been given a second chance to be born again. I hope you are happy with the choices you have made. It was to the benefit of your family. Has it been beneficial to you too?

The way you make me feel

When I'm with you, I need less insulin. You have your very own particular way to bring peace around the house. The gift of being around someone without speech, is special. Sometimes I wonder what we would talk about if you were able to speak. Being a young girl of 5 and a half years old, you would probably talk about your friends in kindergarten, your teacher, birthday parties, toys and games or story books. Every now and then, I hear your voice when you make happy sounds. You have a very nice voice. I sing songs for you while we hold hands. At the end of every song, I kiss your neck and I make funny noises. Tickling the inside of your legs makes you laugh out loud. I give you tons of little kisses and you can't get enough. It's so good to see you enjoy life..

When you are ready to take a nap, we cuddle on the couch. My right hand is holding your legs together in my lap. Your tiny hands fit right into my left hand and you clasp one of my fingers to make sure I stay right there with you. Our heads touch and our cheeks feel soft against each other. I hum in your ear and sing you lullabies. Your blanky keeps us warm and in a jiffy, you doze off. Every now and then, I see you peek through your long lashes, just to make sure I'm still there. I cherish these moments and I listen to our heartbeats..

Should I have said something?

Let's assume your parents occasionally have a drink when they go out. A glass of wine at the dinner table or a refreshing beer on a hot day, a glass of champagne to celebrate a special occasion. Sounds acceptable, right? Not one person would say this is socially not acceptable, since the drinking habit is within limits.
Let's assume your parents have a drink or two when they go out. They have a drink at home, before they go out, because it sets the mood right. They treat their friends on shots at the pub and they think soda pop is for teens. How about a glass of wine with every meal and a shot of whiskey to round the day? Maybe a small glass of port around 11 AM, just for the fun of it? Half a crate of beer at a family party, just to show off and let their friends know how tough they are? What if they let you, at the age of 12, sip their drink, to see if you like the taste? Is that acceptable?

I wonder if there is a connection between the attitude towards alcohol and the chances you start to abuse alcohol, if you were introduced to alcohol at an early age. If you grow up under the assumption that alcohol can be used on a daily basis and as a part of a healthy, normal life, would you consider that strange? Would you question your parents about it? Maybe you don't know any better, since you trust your parents to raise you in the best possible way. They want you to become an independent individual with a mind of your own. To them, alcohol is part of that life and considered normal and acceptable. So you grow up and live your life and just like your parents, there is always an occasion to drink: a celebration, not feeling well, a rough day at work, one more glass left in a bottle you wanted to throw out, sad moments, happy moments, social drinking, getting promoted, 11 AM shots (as long as you don't drink before 11 AM, it's normal, right?). The alcohol makes you happy. That's what you experienced as a child. You saw your parents laugh and have a good time while having a couple of drinks. Easy, right? They would open a bottle of comforter to help getting rid of grief. There was no shoulder to cry on, because there was a cabinet filled with bottles to choose from.. A different drink for every emotion.

Are parents the role model in drinking behavior? How do you teach your children about moderation and the danger of addictions? How come 14 year olds are binge drinking without anybody stepping in? What's your role in educating your kids alcohol is a drug too?

I'm sure there are plenty of excuses: it's genetic, it helps me relax, it takes away my sorrows and I'm much more happy and cheerful if I have a few drinks. Does anybody tell them about the aftermath? Do they realize problems don't disappear but only get bigger? Do they discuss hangovers in a serious conversation or is it cool to tell others how much you have been drinking? What is the role of the parents? Is it necessary to step in and set the example?

Life, O-Live

I was sitting on the couch, my notebook in my lap, typing some new recipes for my cookbook.
You were in the kitchen. I could hear you break eggs in a bowl, shoveling with pans on the cooker. The chopping sound of the knife while you were cutting up some fruit for a fresh fruit salad. The radio was on and I heard you sing along with Life, o life..

Instantly a smile occurred on my face. I assume you must have been 3 or 4 years old when this song by Desree was a hit. You thought Desree must have craved "olives" for making a song about it... We have laughed about this for many many years and every time we hear the song, we don't need words. Just looking at each other is enough to bring back the memories..

Memories are important in life. It's the memories that bring us back in the past. They make us relive the happy moments. Children grow up fast. Very fast. The memories may fade, but they won't go away, for we keep them alive. Or was it O-Live?

Mama always said

If you don't like your dinner, breakfast will taste extra good in the morning..

I don't know what kind of mom you are, but my heart is not strong enough for this. For many years, I have cooked different meals for all of us. You don't like Brussels sprouts? I'll stir fry mushrooms for you. Don't feel like having boiled potatoes? How about mash or scalloped potatoes?

I'm not convinced this is the best way and I'm sure it will not teach my children to taste different foods. Making them eat things they absolutely despise, is not the answer either. I'm still traumatized by my mother's "hutsepot". Ugh! She would make me eat it for dinner. I would cry over it and she wouldn't let me leave the table until my plate was finished. By then, the "hutsepot" was cold and even more repulsive. Just the smell of it, made my stomach twirl. Then why did she expect me to eat it? I could never understand and up until this moment, I'm not going to eat "hutsepot". When she got sick of watching me sit there, poking the dish without eating it, she told me to leave the table. First thing I got the next day: exactly... the game started all over again, until tears rolled down my cheeks and vomit came up in my esophagus trying to get rid of that nasty stuff. I would constantly gag and the food would sting in my throat, in a desperate attempt to go some place. I wished I could disappear somehow or someone would call my mom, so I could spit it out. Her method obviously didn't work, on the contrary. I will NEVER EVER eat this horrible "hutsepot". I guess my children will never try it either. Is that so bad? Will they lack vitamins if they don't eat this food? Don't think so..

Then what is the best method? How do you make kids enjoy all kinds of food? By eating it yourself? I know kids imitate their parents all the time. So yes, my kids love frog's legs, they like shellfish and complicated dishes, they don't even mind spices in their food, but no, they don't like cabbage, turnips and leeks and all those snotty vegetables. They despise the rim of fat around meat and yes, just like me, they cut out the lean piece and give the fatty bits to their dad.
I make them eat veggies every day but they get to pick their own choice. Whether they have their greens cooked, steamed, baked, fried or even raw: I don't care! As long as they have veggies on a daily base. And that works well. If that means I have to make zucchini pancakes or spinach casserole: that's what I do. Cause in the end, we all want to have a good time around the kitchen table and we don't want to nag about food...