Walk for a Cure

Today is my 12th Diaversary. It's not always been easy but I'm still here and there are no complications yet. I need your help though. Not just for me, but for everyone out there who has T1 Diabetes. Insulin is a treatment, not a solution. Some smart scientists are working day and night (well, they probably do sleep at times) to find a cure for T1 Diabetes. How could I just relax and sit back and wait for that cure to happen? Things don't work that way. It takes effort and fundraising and motivation. Most of all: it takes hope! If we have no hope there will ever be a cure, why would others hope for us? Don't give up, my friends. I know our doctors have told us there will be a cure in 10 years and some doctors promised that 30 years ago. We can't give up! That is just not an option. I know some of you are tired of fighting. Diabetes takes a lot of energy we don't have. We're not alone in this story. So many people out there who have family members, friends, co-workers, ... who share this condition.

Make your donation today. Don't delay any longer. 

We need your support big time! 

http://www.jdrfwalk.nl/t1vlaanderen

A mother's nightmare

I'm a member of different diabetes groups on the Internet, so every now and then, in between good news, there's also sad news to read. Today, right before lunch, I read the story on little Jillian. Tears were stinging in the corner of my eyes, just by reading her mom's diary. Little Jillian was diagnosed just recently, June 2013. She was a fun girl, going to kindergarten until D changed her life. She would never again be the innocent 4 yo she was before. From that day on, Jillian would need special care and special attention until the day she could take care of herself or until the day a cure for diabetes is found.

If you still think, diabetes is "nothing special" or if you make statements like "at least it's not cancer", well let me tell you this. Diabetes is no game. It's a life threatening disease. It's always there and you must always be on the lookout for highs and lows. Other people have no idea what it's like to be constantly aware of the fact that overdosing insulin might take your life. High bloodsugar can make you extremely sick and may require hospital treatment. Lows can make you lose consciousness as well if not treated right away. The fear of everyone with diabetes, is to not wake up from a diabetic low.. It is scary and although it doesn't happen very often, people do die from unnoticed diabetic lows.

This is what I read on the blog of Jillian's mom.. it made the hairs in the back of my neck stand up immediately. I feel so sad for her loss. I don't know Jillian, nor do I know her family. But I do know this must be any mother's nightmare. Children are not supposed to go before their parents. This little girl was not even 5. She will be missed by so many people. We have to find a cure for this ugly disease. No family should go through such an ordeal. Only 4 months after being diagnosed, this little girl's life was taken. Jillian was in hospital, being treated for high sugar levels. She had an IV and nurses were guarding her. Nevertheless, she died in her sleep. Nobody could save her from this bloody disease.

I have had a discussion with my endocrinologist over CGM. You all know by now, I use a Dexcom continuous glucose monitoring system. It helps me identify lows and highs if my body fails at warning me. And it does fail at times. I do feel most of my lows, but being asleep is always tricky. Having diabetes makes you tired and sometimes catching sleep is more important than spending time in the twilight zone, making sure you are not fully asleep. You want to make sure you guard yourself from going low so you don't sleep well. Because of my Dexcom, nowadays I can sleep better and deeper, because I know it will warn me from unnoticed lows. Just a couple of days ago, I was so happy with my "flatline" on my Dexcom readings... this is how it's supposed to be.
Not the flatline Jillian got..
I wish little Jillian would've had Dexcom equipment. It is not a gadget, like some people dare to call it. It's my life saver. I'm so grateful for my Dexcom. It's not a cure, but it can help me get the best treatment possible until a cure will be found.
Please let all of your love go to Jillian's family now. Their life will never be the same..

She went to bed last night with a blood sugar of 214 and when the nurse tested her at 5am she was 122 which is where we wanted to be. But at 8am when they went to wake her up she didn't get up. Somewhere between 5:30 and 8am this morning she fell into diabetic coma and died in her sleep.

Who's the best doctor?

Assume you have been seeing the same old diabetes doctor since you were just a young teen. For a very long time, let's say around 30 years, this same doctor has been your hero, the man who has helped you through many ordeals. He has calmed you down when you were completely lost. He understood the high numbers followed by those creepy lows when you had gone out with your
friends. He reprimanded you for not using your glucometer for 2 weeks, because you were fed up with D. He reassured your parents you were going to be okay, when once again, you were in the hospital with DKA. Your parents invited him to your wedding and he congratulated you with your first child. He helped you figure out the lows and the highs and he checked the blue marks on your thigh as a result of the daily nighttime shot. He reminded you to take your vitamin D and to change your needles as often as possible. And then, he announced he was going to leave the hospital. He wanted other, younger doctors to take over. Your world fell apart. How would you cope without him? Not one other doctor knew all about your lows and highs. This man knew you better than your own parents did? Deep down, you knew this day would come. You weren't ready for it. It wasn't easy for him either...

Then this other doctor showed up. He was experienced too. He had a calm voice and a firm hand but he was not your doctor.. You built a shield around you and you were not prepared to let him in. He talked about some device you had never heard of. He tried to persuade you to alter the settings on your insulin pump. Was he out of his mind??? If your settings weren't okay, wouldn't your own doctor have said so? What do you mean, 180 mg/dl is not the best average blood glucose?

You were heartbroken. You wanted to talk to your own doctor and make him come back. He deserved his retirement, absolutely. But why now? Why someone else that you didn't know?

Things are different now. You have to rely on a different method. A doctor with an opinion of its own. Why does he keep saying it is so important to count carbs? Why does he want you to change what has become your way of life? It's not fair. It's still the same disease, then why change it all?

You texted me to ask about the carb content of this and that. We sat down together, to discuss this new device, called Dexcom G4. You were impressed, to your surprise. Maybe it was time to let go. Just like a mom, who is setting her child free to flap her wings, it was time to let go of the old days and the old ways. You were ready for a new milestone. I heard you followed my advice and you got yourself a new insulin pump, bluetooth included. I'm proud of you. Carb counting can be tricky, but seeing what those carbs do to a body infected by diabetes, is beyond interesting. I have this feeling, that you are beginning to like this new doctor. Maybe he's not the enemy. Maybe he's your next challenge in life. You can do this. You're on your way.

A bit shook up

As soon as I entered the room, you said: "You have no idea what I've been through... I'm so sore! My whole body hurts. It's horrible!"

I kissed you on your cheeks, careful not to hurt you. Your right eye was black and blue and purple underneath. I guess that's what a fractured eye socket looks like? We were happy to see your eye was still doing its job. It followed every move we made and there was no blood in your eye. I could see from the look on your face that you were truly hurting. Your left shoulder was packed in a special sling, for it is severely broken. You couldn't lift your other arm either, since some tendons were ripped off on that side. Meaning you cannot eat, drink or blow your nose by yourself.

I lifted the sheets and saw your right leg in a cast. He told me your knee was broken and there were some fractures in your shin as well. You told me how you had been standing on your bed, trying to catch a fly, when your foot got stuck in between your bed and the mattress. You fell down, face first, and ended up between the wall and your bed. Your foot was still stuck. I'm so happy you were not home alone. Your husband ran up the stairs as soon as he heard the thump. He tried to roll you over and pull you up, but it was so painful he had to let go. I know you don't like ambulances and hospitals, but there was no other way. An ambulance had to be called and I cannot imagine the pain you must have felt when they carried you down the stairs. Luckily the clinic is like only a 10 min drive, but to you it must have felt like horrible hours.

I took a look at your other leg. That big toe was black and blue and swollen as well. Maybe we should have the doctor take a look at that foot too?
They won't operate until Monday afternoon. I asked them to schedule you early in the morning, for you are a diabetic. They said it wasn't possible, since they were fully booked. But it was no problem, according to the nurse, because you would get a bag of glucose and another one filled with insulin. They would counter each other. I'm not very convinced, since what happened around lunch time. One of the nurses gave you your mealtime bolus of insulin. A little bit later, the kitchen staff came in with your lunch. They put it on the table and left you to it. Why was it to nobody's concern, to make sure you got help? Someone should have fed you, for you cannot lift your arms and bring the food to your mouth? Washing you this morning, the nurse didn't put your hearing aid back into your ear, leaving you behind helpless and deaf. That's why you didn't understand the kitchen staff clearing your lunch. They must have asked why you didn't finish your meal.. you didn't hear the question..
I did have a little conference with the head nurse, making clear that you cannot hear anything without your hearing aid. I also stated out the importance of having your carbs after an insulin shot. She looked a bit shocked but she understood and noted on the chart: needs help feeding and DEAF without hearing aid. Let's hope that will keep them alert. I'm aware of the fact that it is weekend and there's not enough staff present, but to be honest: my auntie was truly hurting and she deserved some respect and sympathy. I guess the nurses got the message, since they were really friendly afterwards. We gave you a fresh night gown to replace the bloodstained one. I rubbed your skin with a brandnew body lotion and refreshed you with a hint of perfume. People never feel well in hospitals and any kind of pampering can help in making you feel better. Then why not do that?

I felt for my uncle.. He looked beaten and lost. He will need someone to take care of him too. They are never apart from each other. Some hard weeks are coming up. I'll visit you as often as I can. That's the least I can do. For you have always been very supportive of me, no matter what trouble I got myself in to.

Get better now, okay? I'll light some candles for you..

Seventh Heaven

Yesterday, she texted me and I smiled because of the joy in the message. She's in her early 30's and besides being a stunning mom of two brilliant twin boys, she's a lawyer and she's a sportswoman. Did I mention she has type 1 diabetes too? She's out of her honeymoon period now, meaning her pancreas made it final: he's not planning on making any more insulin. Where in the past two years, she could count on her panky to make some insulin, helping her get decent A1c's. That period is gone. It's up to her now, for she can no longer rely on her pancreas to help out. It scared her and her A1c went up. She fears the lows for getting unconscious as much as she fears the highs, for future complications. She was getting a bit desperate and her family was worried sick about her last low nighttime episode..

"He works with computers". That's how his mom calls it. Maybe I'm like his mom, for not knowing exactly what he does for a living. It involves software and Delphi language or something, I guess. He has told me on numerous occasions, since we monthly go out for lunch. D came into his life 3 years ago. He had panic attacks for a long time. They came back right after being diagnosed with D, for a different reason now. The fear of diabetic lows is grabbing him by the throat. He insisted on getting an insulin pump, despite good numbers and a A1c in the 5 region. He needed that pump to keep breathing. But it was not sufficient enough. It didn't warn him of upcoming lows.

I met her a couple of years ago. She has the same age as our oldest daughter. She was too young when she got diagnosed. She was a teen for god's sake. Why did she need to get this awful disease too? She didn't want no insulin pump dangling from her tummy. But we met and I let her figure out where my pump was hiding. She couldn't find it and she called for the nurse to sign up for an insulin pump. 

Her mom worried a lot about her at night. Would she be okay? Would she poke her fingers before bedtime and wake up while experiencing a low? 

A young student of 25, with a girlfriend and a baby boy. His diabetes was a bit out of control. He found it hard to poke his fingers all the time, so he forgot. As a medical student, he knew about the complications diabetes may bring you, so he wanted something else to help him move forward.

It had a been a long time since we've set a date. But we keep in touch and write emails every now and then. She's in a different relationship now and she's doing real well. Being diagnosed T2 as a young woman, she's not entitled to using an insulin pump. Her endocrinologist thought differently and signed her up for the medical device that would change her treatment. It made her feel a lot more secure. Just not secure enough, because lows were hiding behind the corner, to catch her when she was not paying attention. She has a little boy that needs his mommy. She wants to be around for a very long time. If only someone could help her get over that fear for lows, it would help her lower her A1c and get better control.

No more than 1 year ago, he was diagnosed as well. I remember how little insulin he needed in those first months. He was determined to give his utmost and do the best he could to keep this condition under control. Being on 4 injections and multiple finger pokes a day, he dusted his mountain bike and joined his friends on trips. Sports is good for us. Why doesn't diabetes know that? At least, D could be a bit more considerate and leave out the lows and highs during work outs. It would make things a bit easier. Wasn't there something better that could help him during training?

I haven't met too many diabetics that have had their condition for over 30 years. It somehow scared me to hear her story. Having lost complete sight in one eye and partial sight in the other is awful. She's such a pretty woman.  She has a man who stands by her side and accompanies her to doctor's appointments. She's shooting up insulin. Pumping was not her cup of tea. She tried it, about 10 years ago. Things were a bit different back then and technology has improved since. I thought she deserved better aids and better control. I contacted her and we started to write to each other until we finally met and had the chance to embrace each other. 

He has been a great help for many of us diabetics. Of all diabetics I know (and I know some), I've known him for the longest time. It must be more than 5 years now. I know how opposed he is to insulin pumps and how stubborn he is in showing that insulin pens are as efficient.  I like his stubbornness though. I prefer to call it perseverance. He's a good bloke and he's helped me out on numerous occasions when once again, I forgot how many carbs a certain food contained. I would only have to open HelpDiabetes, the program he wrote for us to use for free. As opposed he is to insulin pumps, I could tell he was interested in CGM.

My endocrinologist said I didn't need CGM. My A1c level was 7.1 and that is not life threatening. One doesn't get these numbers just like that. It takes a whole lot of work to get there and it consumes a lot of daily energy to stay there. CGM is expensive and at your own expense. It is my diabetes, a condition I share with many friends. It is my body, my life and my choice of treatment. 

That makes 9 of us already. 9 stories, all different reasons with a mutual factor: diabetes. A new world has opened. A milestone in our treatment. Dexcom is different. It's out there and it's getting closer. It is within reach. You don't have to wait for your doctor to tell you about it. Button up your shirt and ask him about Dexcom. Make your own file and document your questions and express your concerns about future complications. The people at Dexcom are there for you. They can help you get better control. They are there, 24/7, just like Diabetes. That's what we were looking for. Continuous Glucose Monitoring that we can rely on. A device we can trust on for knowing what trend our blood glucose is following. We are happy with our glucometers, but knowing where our numbers are headed to, is a bonus. Not essential to some, indispensable to others. It's your choice. It's your life. It's Dexcom.

It's been seven hours and fifteen days..

Photo Lana Joos

Not really. It's been a whole lot more. Eleven years, to be exact. It's been E-LE-VEN ! years since I got diagnosed with D. It was a scary moment but at the same time a moment of relief and understanding. I was glad a doctor finally took me and my symptoms serious. A doctor, who - by a simple poke in my finger - could tell me the symptoms I had, were the symptoms of diabetes. She didn't have to hesitate, since the number on the screen of her glucometer was 599 mg/dl. If you know that normal sober numbers are below 100 mg/dl, it doesn't take much disbelief to realize this was actually diabetes. Did she say: DIE-a-beetus??? She sure told me about complications like kidney failure, amputation of toes and even feet, loss of eye sight, heart failure.. Grumble. Not very pretty you know. I asked her when those complications would first show their face. She told me I could expect the first signs of complications 10 years after diagnosis. Hello? I was nearly 31 when she found out. Did that mean, that by the time I was 41, I would need dialysis 3 times a week? Would I have to wear orthopedic shoes to help me walk after having my toes surgically removed? Would I ever see my kids grow up into beautiful adults?

Right there and then, I was determined I was going to do the best I could, to prevent myself from getting those nasty complications. I was put on injections 4 times a day and had to poke my fingers as many times. I was told how much insulin I had to inject for my meals and what I was supposed to eat to cover that. The dietitian told me I had to weigh a 300 gr portion of boiled potatoes (!), a fair amount of vegetables and a small part of meat or fish for my warm supper. I could no longer eat fruit or dairy products without thinking and I had to give up on sweets. I was lucky she didn't forbid me to drink diet coke..

It didn't take me long to accept the verdict. I didn't mind poking my fingers, I didn't care about the needles that punctured my skin while injecting insulin. I hated that Lantus though.. It had to be injected in my thigh and it gave me a burning sensation and pain, every time I forced myself to inject. Some years later, I had to divide that ugly Lantus into two portions: one in the morning, one at night. It didn't work well for me. I had quite a bit of high readings and my doctor wasn't very happy with the way I treated my diabetes. In fact she thought of me like I was her worst patient ever.. My hemoglobin HbA1c didn't drop below 8.5% while I was her patient and my weight kept going up. I was unhappy with how things were going and I started to dislike D. But hey! Diabetes is chronic, forever, for life!

After 4 years and numerous shots later, I decided to give the insulin pump a try and like the saying: once you go black, you never go back, it's the same with the insulin pump. I would harm you if you would try to steal or break my pump. It's what keeps me alive and it's what gives me better control.

Just this year, 7 years of pumping and poking my fingers at least 6 times a day, I decided it was time to move on. Since my Dexcom CGM entered my life, I no longer fear complications. Dexcom will help me get better control and teach me about my body and how food, exercise, stress, emotions, work, sickness have their effect on my blood sugar. I'm grateful that I got diabetes in the 21st century and the fact that we have access to the most modern treatments, is a bonus.

I'm planning on living a whole lot more years of a complication free life with D. After all, I'm more than complicated already..

To hell and back

You were expecting pain and tragedy and a lot of inconvenience. But magically, you are doing really well. Of course you feel they have operated on you, but it's not like the pain is unbearable. I'm glad you follow up your doctor's advice to keep quiet and relax. We have installed you on the couch, the remote control within reach, the bottle of diet coke next to you and no work that is waiting to be done. You are being fed and waited on. That's the least we can do to take away any discomfort you may feel. After all, we want you to be up and going in the best possible way and time. It will take some time before you will be dismissed from not driving your car, so visits need to be scheduled if you need a ride. Of course you have your iPhone to keep posted and there's Facebook to log into. You even have the chance now, to read the newest Dan Brown without being disturbed.

The dogs miss you. They miss their long walks with you. From the day you came home from the hospital, they have been pampering you. Animals have a sixth sense when it comes to feeling their people parents are not ship shape. They are calm with you. It's been a week since we saw them jump you over to lick your ears and face like they do when you come home from work. They lay by your side on the couch and they take turns putting their heads on your knee. They kinda like the ice pack you're using to take the swelling away. I'm glad they are taking good care of you too.

The immediate now

There was a long line waiting at the reception of the hospital. It was an early rise. We left the house at 6:15 AM and by 6:30 we were number 7 in line. Most of the patients present needed some sort of knee operation. Some were there for a follow up consultation. I was not ready to hear any horror stories about things that went wrong or about horrendous misfits. At that time, I was happy hubby is selectively deaf. He was so busy stressing out, that he probably didn't hear half of the conversations, or he would've left the clinic right there and then.

The nurses were expecting their patients and the rooms were prepared. Hubby and his room mate were asked to put on their operation outfit. A questionnaire kept us busy for some time:

"Please state your name"
"What operation is awaiting you?" "Right knee?"
"How much do you weigh and how tall are you?"
"Are you sober?"

     Dang... I didn't eat, if that is what you mean?

"No, I meant: did you eat or drink anything?"

    No more than 2 cups of sweetened coffee.. That's okay, isn't it?

"Sir! You were not supposed to drink anything, not even water or coffee! We will have to delay your operation.."

     Are you kidding me? I guess not??

"Are you on any medication?"

     Yes. I take tablets for high blood pressure.

"Your blood pressure is 20/10. That's not good at all. Did you take your medication?"

     Well, I'm supposed to, but I didn't. I forget taking them all the time. But I do have them at home..

"That ain't gonna help much, what do you think? This is a dangerous situation sir. I can't believe you're doing this..."

I'm glad this discussion was not held with my husband, but with his roommate. It did mean though, that my hubby was first in line. The nurse started to shave his knee in a fast mode, since he was expected downstairs. In a jiffy, he was shaved and disinfected and ready to go. I kissed him goodbye just outside the operating room. I knew he was in good hands and the sedative had taken away the stress. The operation would take no more than 10-15 min.

I waited and waited some more. One hour. Two hours. Nearly three hours and half later and a lot of other patients that came out of the operating room, but still no hubby. Had there been complications? Probably not, because they would have warned me, right? Isn't that why they asked me for my phone number?

That's when I heard his voice and even a laughter. He was in bed, looking bright and happy. Pain free at last! The pressure was gone and I could tell he was happy to be alive and almost kicking. It would take the rest of the day before the surgeon would stop by and give his blessing to go home, but hubby could use that time to rest and watch TV, while I ran some errands.

I picked up the kids from school and we went back to the hospital to pick up dad. He was happy to see the girls and they were relieved to see him without pain. His leg looked a bit swollen but it wasn't sore. We packed his bag and loaded with prescriptions and guidelines, we took off. Hubby insisted on using his crutches and he didn't want me to go get the car. He is not a pussy you know! He hobbled all the way down the parking lot to the car, but I assume he was happy he got there in one piece.

We installed him on the couch with some extra pillows and a drink, while we got started preparing dinner. I'm grateful for the help I got from the girls. While Inthe and Rebba were taking turns in nursing daddy, I peeked over to the living area to see how he was doing. He was looking good. In the immediate now, he's perfectly fine. Let's hope it will be the same tomorrow....

Verklemmt

Today is the day. You have been in pain for way too long. There was no rush to go see a doctor, since doctors and you don't match. But it has come to a point, that there is no more time to waste. Your knee looked twice as big as usual and the pain killers were disappearing faster than ever. So you went to see our GP. Like I thought, he forwarded you to the hospital, to take a scan of that painful knee. We all knew the inevitable outcome of that scan: an operation. That's what you have dreaded all along. It's the only solution though. You like to play tennis and do sports. It's not possible to keep working out with a knee that won't cooperate. 

Your baby brother has been a great help in getting an early appointment. Surgeons are very popular and their waiting list is longer than my wishlist. I expected them to schedule the operation around September. But hey! you were lucky! You had to wait no longer than one week before they will operate your knee. I know it freaks you out since you cannot stand pain. But you're in good hands. Your brother will be there to keep an eye on you and to make sure everything goes well. Don't worry. You may close your eyes and before you know it, you will be awake and in your room. I'll be there, to help you sit up and encourage you. It will be hard at first and you won't be able to climb the stairs. We'll make you a bed downstairs and there are crutches in the car so you can move around when you are ready. 

Good luck hubby. You'll do just fine.

Expect the unexpected

My numbers weren't that bad, but they weren't very good either. With an average of 147 mg/dl over the last 3 months, I expected my A1c to be higher than the last 7.3%. For two years, I had been able to keep my BG lower than 7% and that was prime time for me. It is important to keep that A1c low to prevent complications in the future. So yes, that 7.3% was a bit of a disappointment, although it was still a whole lot better than previous numbers.

This morning I had my bloodwork done at the hospital. I don't mind when nurses poke a needle in my arm to draw blood. Later that day, I got notified by my nurse that I took a wrong guess. My average BG was better than I had expected! I was gobsmacked and didn't believe her at first. But at the same time, it felt good.

I just started working with CGM. I'm curious to know if it will help me improve my numbers. That's why I wanted to have my bloodwork done this week. I'm motivated and driven and ready to kick ass!

Oh! I nearly forgot! My last A1c shows a wonderful 6.9%!

What if?

What if you could make life with diabetes easier?
What if some device would warn you if your blood glucose is out of control?
What if you would get an alarm while sleeping, because your blood glucose is running dangerously  low?
What if you would be able to know your actual blood glucose every 5 minutes without poking your fingers as many times?

Wouldn't that be reassuring to say the least? I would think so.. What if I tell you, this kind of system is available/for sale? Wouldn't you hop up and get one? Right.. I guess all of us would like this kind of CGMS (Continuous Glucose Monitoring System) help us get better control. Alas, only a couple of people will get the opportunity to get reimbursement when using CGMS. My doctor talked about pregnant diabetics, young children with diabetes or people with hypo unawareness. Since I'm no longer a child and I'm not pregnant, I guess those two options are out of the question. I'm fortunate that I feel most of my lows in time and although my diabetes can play games with me, I am not that brittle a diabetic. Meaning: CGMS will be at my own expense. Yes, it's expensive. And yes, it's good for me. It can help me get better control and it can help me reach my targets. It can help me prevent lows and highs and it can warn me from nocturnal out of rage numbers when I'm too tired to wake up.

I have a Dexcom G4 in my pocket. It's working just fine and it gives me RealTime bloodglucose numbers without poking my fingers 8 times a day. It tells me to watch out when a low is coming my way and it warns me if my sugar is skyrocketing. The first night with Dexcom G4, I got warned because 2 lows were hitting in. The lows didn't wake me, but my CGMS did.. When that buzzer went off, I pushed the button and grabbed for candy that was sitting on my night stand. I went back to sleep to be awakened again, only two hours later for a second low reading. Wow... I was truly impressed by the efficiency and the accuracy of this device.

During the day, my Dexcom helps me keep track of my numbers. Finally I can really tell what food does to my glucose levels during the digesting process. I'm sure it will prevent me from eating foods that aren't good for me and it will show me how to dose my insulin when eating other meals.
The software helps you understand the numbers and tells you about patterns in your BG. It is then up to you to alter your insulin schedule and prevent future highs and lows.

If only insurances could get informed about the purpose and benefits of CGMS. It could help us prevent severe complications in later life and a better overall life. I'm glad it's sitting in my pocket and I hope we will find a way to pay the bill..

If you want to know more about it, check out their website.

Is someone cutting onions in here?

Sometimes I hear these life stories that make me really sad.. At times, people can become so lonely life is no longer worth living...

What if your happy family falls apart after your only child gets diagnosed with an awful cancer they can't get rid of? How hard is the struggle to remain optimistic and help your child get through this ordeal? It takes a whole lot of strength to cope with situations like this. There is no free time when your child is seriously ill. You have no social life, because you don't want to leave that child in someone else's hands. So friends stop asking you out and your world becomes more narrow by the day. It drifts you and your husband apart, because there is no more energy left for romantic dates. The child looses the battle, the husband moves house and you get lost in a house that has all of a sudden become way too big.

You don't cope well. You get sick too. The pain is too immense. There are no happy circumstances to look forward to. No sweet 16's, no weddings, no grandchildren. There are no more birthdays to celebrate. No more cuddling on the couch or sharing blankets while watching a movie on TV. There will be nobody asking you if you would like a glass of wine too. Coming home from work, the house is cold and empty and silent. You forget the sound of your own voice, because you are afraid to speak in that empty void your house has become...

A young lady get's diagnosed with the awful C-word. She's too young. Her mother holds her and strokes her hair at night, telling her she will be okay. They go together like carrots and peas, because there's nobody else. They cling to each other and they become each others best friend. The C-thing gives up and hope reoccurs. Life is good and things get better. Until faith chooses otherwise and leaves the young lady without her mom. Now there's only a star in heaven that looks out for her. The young lady has to grow up even faster now, trying to make a life of her own. It's hard and she misses her mom and best companion like crazy. Nobody knows about her grief and she suffers in silence.

The C-word is back in her life. Things are different now. That one special person she called mommy is no longer there to help her get through this ordeal. It's only her and C. Imagine coming home from chemo in an empty house, all sick and drained from the treatment. Nobody there to give you a cuddle. No reassuring words and no strokes on the hair or a pat on the shoulder. You crawl in bed and you shed the tears that no one will hear. You cry until your body feels raw and empty. You cry even more, when doctors tell you, the therapy is not working. Do you have the right to give up? Can you find the strength to keep fighting? 

First Aid

No, don't worry. No ambulances or doctors involved this time...

Today, while I was driving my oldest daughter to school, we had this talk about medication. I don't remember how we got to this subject, but it reminded me of my childhood. In the pantry, there was a First Aid cabinet. Of course, we were not supposed to open the door to that cabinet without supervision, but we knew some things in there were pure fun. There was a jar, filled with black powder. That powder was called Norit and it was nothing else but activated carbon. It was there in case one of us had a mild form of diarrhea or some kind of poisoning. The fun thing about Norit was, that if you ate a spoonful of the carbon, your mouth, tongue and teeth would turn black in a jiffy. It had a strange taste to it and I can't say it tasted bad or good. It just tasted different and it looked very appealing. There was no chance our mother wouldn't find out, because of the black traces the powder would leave behind..
There was something else I really liked.. children's aspirin. The small pink tablet would melt in your mouth. It tasted sooo good! I don't recall the brand of the aspirin but I do remember the taste. I would easily eat a full strip of aspirin, just for the fun of it. I guess I didn't have much of a fever..

An eye opener

It took me some time to figure it out...

I had an appointment with Dr Feelgood, the endocrinologist I have been frequenting for the past 2 years. He's Dutch. Not that special, one would say. But it also means that he is articulate and straight forward and pretty frank. I wanted to talk to him about the never ending fatigue. I'm so exhausted. Going to bed earlier and sleeping in late feels good at times, but it doesn't solve the problem. In the end I'm still exhausted.

A wanna be endocrinologist received me in her office. She was going to interrogate me and then she would inform the real doctor. I was not happy at all with this announcement. I didn't want to tell her my story for she doesn't know me nor my background. Which she contradicted, looking through my medical file. I was getting a little wrought up, because I don't want any trainees going through my files. She asked me questions about previous visits. Questions I didn't want to answer because I thought they were not intended for her ears. Anyway, I told her about my fatigue and she ignored it, pointing out my latest HbA1C was a good 7.3%. A bit higher than the previous 7, but I had been expecting it. I was still happy with that outcome and so was she. She asked if I needed any prescription drugs. I answered that I wanted to talk to my doctor...

They discussed the consultation in the hallway. I could hear them murmur before the door swung open and both of them entered the musty cabinet. He shook my hand and said straight away: I see you are doing well. Your numbers are okay. I agreed that my A1c was good. I also told him it could be better and I would work on it. He didn't like my perfectionism. To me, it's a way to stay on track, to not let things get out of hand. After all, diabetes is there 24/7. You can't just turn off the knob and hope your numbers will still be okay.

I told him about the fatigue. Again. Because on two previous occasions I told him the same thing and I had the impression he hadn't heard me. This time he heard me allright, because I was pretty stern about the subject. That's when the frank answer hit me in the face. It's my own perfectionism that is striking back. I'm the victim of my own drive. Diabetes is too much alive in my life. Pretty ironic huh? I felt attacked. I felt numb and alone and sad and misunderstood. But he kept going. He asked me about my daily life. He wanted to know how much the diabetes was present in my activities. Okay, I admit, it's there, all the time. Many of my friends are diabetics. I frequent diabetes meetings and diabetes pubs and I visit my fellow diabetics when they are not feeling well. I motivate others on www.diabetesforum.be and many people have a number to call when they have questions. I do presentations on my life with D and I try to keep control over my own medical situation. Exactly, he replied... You are not physically exhausted. Your mind needs to be cleared and refilled with non-diabetic subjects. It's just been too much. Get a grip on yourself and move forward. Don't let the diabetes take over. It's your life with D, it's not Diabetes and you...

I didn't die right there on the spot. I waited for the safety of my car. Could care less if someone else saw my tears. I felt so torn apart. Nobody can take away my life. It's what I like to do. It's what gives me energy. It is my life.

To be continued.. 

What will tomorrow bring?

In life, you never know what the next day will bring you. Enjoying the time we have and making the most of every day, is all we can do. We should live our life to the fullest, so we don't regret things we missed out on.

Today is your birthday. You have experienced a situation that made you realize how important it is to enjoy every moment we have on this planet. It has made you even stronger than you already were. I admire you for your strength, your positive attitude, your courage. Although you are tiny and fragile, you are stronger than many others. You never gave up, you kept going and you kept believing in a good outcome. I'm proud to call you my sister-in-law. Have a very happy birthday!

Is it contagious?

I didn't sleep well last night. Talking to several people about your peeing problem, I got more and more convinced that you had diabetes. You drink a lot and you have to go pee way too many times, day and night. As soon as your bowl of food is empty, you give me that look as if you haven't had anything to eat. The alarm bell started to ring. What if she had.. ??? The symptoms sounded too familiar. She didn't loose any weight though (well, 300 grams since last time, but that's because both whippets are on a diet). I felt real sorry for her.

This morning I drove the 40 min ride to the animal clinic in Holland. The vets were going to take a closer look at you and have your bloodwork checked. Inthe came along for moral support.. The vet said you looked fab and you appeared to be in great condition. Nevertheless, he said the peeing issue needed to be solved, no discussion about that. He shaved a part of your front leg while his assistant was comforting you. You were very brave and quiet and Inthe was so interested in seeing what the vet was doing that she looked as if frozen.

Now we need to wait.. The results won't come in until tomorrow. If the blood results are negative, you will have to do another exam: a urine test. If that comes out negative as well, the problem will be psychological he assumes. Eeeuuuggghhhh... meaning??? Indeed, if the problem is psychological, Rebba will need to see a behavioral therapist. The vet believes Rebba is faking her problem. That it's a way of seeking attention. Is she a rebellious teenager now? I can't believe I'm hearing this..

Kind of like being hit by a bus

You have had this pimple on your cheek for over a week now. It's been bothering me and I wanted the vet to have a closer look at it. So I rang her to make an appointment and she could see you fairly quickly.

You trembled like a leaf, standing in the vet's office. You were falling apart and gave me that sad look like you wanted to say: "why are you putting me through this?". It was necessary though, to exclude certain cases. The vet got a sterile needle out of her cabinet and you lost it. She could hear your heart beat without using her stethoscope. Oh Rebba... there's no need to be that afraid. I was there to hold you and comfort you and take you back home after the exam..

The vet told me I could expect her phone call somewhere in the afternoon. That worried me a little. It worried me even more, when she called me and used the C-word. I didn't hear much else but that awful word and I even missed the word "benign" when she talked about the tumor on your cheek. She called it a histiocytoma. I needed a piece of paper to write it down because it was such a hard word to remember. It's okay. It is not a malignancy. You won't die. There's even a big chance it will disappear just by itself over time. The vet found it strange though, that you got that tumor. It's rarely found in older dogs (you are 6). It occurs more often in young dogs under the age of 2. But at the same time, greyhounds are more susceptible to this type of tumor than other breeds.

It's benign. It's benign. It's benign. 

Brave people

Some people are so brave they make me humble. I'm so proud of my sister-in-law. This is her story..

"You have a pseudo malignant tumor in your pancreas" 

That sentence will be printed in my brain forever.

When you hear this diagnosis, you get hot and cold at the same time. Thousands of questions swarm through your mind. I promised myself one thing though: I will keep on thinking positively and no matter what scary things will cross my path, I will survive this disease! These lines became my daily mantra.

The agreement at first, was to remove a small part of my pancreas. Three days after the operation, they wheeled me back into the OR. That's when they removed my complete pancreas. The good news was: there were no metastases. The first thing I asked the professor was: Is it possible to remain alive without a pancreas? "It is", he replied. The magical word!

I had a rough time in hospital. It were 14 days full of pain, sorrow, anxiety and loneliness. It may sound cliche, but that hard time made me reflect as well. I now know there's more beyond our physical body. That insight gave me the comfort that I'm no longer afraid of death. I have lost my fears...

The doctors told me this disease is rare and unique at the age I got diagnosed. It was very exceptional that I had felt the pain. Under other conditions, it would have been lethal. This must have been my destiny. My soul had other plans for me on this planet. Now that I have lost my pancreas, I'm depending on insulin and I must make sure my blood glucose is kept within range. An insulin pump helps me provide that insulin throughout the entire day. But hey! I'm still alive! I was given a second chance. I've been lucky.

Things have changed rapidly from then on. I got out of a relationship that didn't make me happy. My employer fired me after 13 years of good service. I started a training in health, healthy food and lifestyle. I met my boyfriend who has been wonderful to me. He is working in healthcare and he has accepted my condition completely. When I saw an advertisement in the region my boyfriend lived in, I applied for the job instantly. The company I started working for, produces vegetarian and  organic food. That's entirely consistent with my vision on life. I have been working in this company for 6 months now and it feels great. All pieces of the jigsaw have come together. I live and work in an environment that feels like a second glove ; my boyfriend has become my soulmate.

Would I have had the same future if I hadn't become sick? I don't think so. I don't believe in coincidences. Once you no longer have the burden of the anxieties, things will cross your path. Let your heart lead you. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger..

Nobody said it would be easy

I often get the question: how can you work as a personal assistant? Is it not too strenuous? Don't you get involved emotionally? What if your patient dies?

I don't ask myself those questions. Life and death are part of the circle. In the end we will all die somehow. Of course we all want to live happily ever after. We want to lead a healthy and fulfilling life. Unfortunately, not all of us are that lucky. Some lives are way too short. Sometimes it involves a child, that is not meant to grow old. A child that will never become an adult. A child that will not go to school, have playmates or sleepovers. A child, loved so deeply and surrounded by the most affectionate people ever, that her life is very fulfilling and warm. Her passing away will cause so much grief among as many people, but those are situations we shouldn't wonder about right now. This is the time to celebrate her life, to care for her in the best way possible. It's all about making her life as comfortable as possible and giving her all the love she can handle. Life is about the little things. It's not about making a fortune. It's not about having the biggest and fastest car around or about buying a second or a third house. Life is so much more. One can be much happier if surrounded by people who really care and love you for who you are..

She's not doing too well. She has been having more fevers than normal and the epileptic episodes seem to occur more often. Her body is infected and she has a hard time fighting the infection. But she'll be okay. She's well taken care of. I'm sure that makes her relax and realize that she's not alone. She has many hands on her shoulders to guide her through this. She'll be just fine. I just know she will...

I spy with my little eye

For a couple of weeks now, I've been running around without my glasses. They bother me for they have become too large. I keep pushing them back and my head aches from pulling back my ears to hold those glasses in place. In fact, it's better for me not to wear my glasses all the time. I need them to watch television (I hardly every watch) or to drive my car. It had become a habit though, to wear them all the time. Knowing that I do well without, gives me a good feeling.

I'm seeing a new ophthalmologist today. I hear he's good and he doesn't bother you with those nasty eye drops that keep you from seeing clearly for a couple of hours. Wonder if my eyes have gone worse since last year.. One of the first things my endocrinologist told me right after she gave me the D-diagnosis, was that the eyes of a diabetic are very vulnerable. She told me not to expect complications within the first 10 years, but it could become trickier in the following decade. My first 10 years have passes but I'm not panicking yet. I'm chill and relaxed. My A1c number is still very acceptable, so no need to worry.

It's possible that the eye specialist will prescribe new glasses. Wouldn't know which ones to choose. I really suck at picking out glasses. So if anyone is willing to volunteer in helping me, give me a call.