I was wondering...

why it had been so long since I last blogged. Have things been too hectic around here? Was I running out of inspiration? Maybe other priorities? I really don't know. It just didn't happen for a while. I had the intention to blog every now and then, but I never really got to it.

Today is the day I need to blog. Because I'm sad. Because I want to scream and shout. Because life is a bitch. I feel devastated and hurt and my heart is bleeding. Scrolling back through my blog, I saw that one of my last blogs was about how we are just promised today, not tomorrow. I can't believe this actually has happened. You had not yet come to terms with your papie's passing. You missed him so much and your heart didn't find the right way to heal. You missed your rock, your inspiration, your guideline and your mentor. He meant the world to you..

Did you ever realize how much you meant to that same world? Did you ever hear your family and friends say how much they appreciated you? You were so special, so unique, so unselfish. Whatever you did, you did in the best interest of others. I never heard you talk bad about anyone. You were always a very good listener and your heart was big enough to hold a great bunch of friends.

I liked to stop by, whenever I went to Bruges. Your cute little dog Troy was your pride, although you still missed Chablis, your previous dog. Troy is waiting for you to come home, sitting by the screen door, not understanding why the house is filled with crying people holding on to each other. I picked him up and tried to comfort him. We tried to comfort each other. Your daughter, your son, your husband and your friends.. we were all there to try to understand the reason for your being taken away. I do understand there is a reason for everything but I really can't see any reason for this loss. You were born 6 months before me. Too young to go explore the other world. Why? Just why???  You were needed here... you had been doing so well lately, trying to get control of your diabetes.
Do you remember our first date, at your parents' house? There was this instant click. It's been just a little over a year since we first met, but it seemed like we had known each other for much longer. Sometimes there is this connection one cannot explain. Even if we hadn't seen each other for some time, we just picked up where our last conversation ended.

You called me, late that Tuesday night. Our eldest daughter had been in an accident and you wanted to know if she was okay. We chitchatted a bit and we were making an appointment for a gathering with D-friends. I was having a low during our conversation so you told me to get some coke and promised me we would continue our conversation the next day. I will never forget that horrific Wednesday, October 22.. I wanted to hold you and tell you everything was going to be okay. I wanted to make sure the hospital staff did not remove your Dexcom so they would know if you went low. Being in a coma would not give you the opportunity to tell anyone if your bloodsugar was dropping. That worried me. What if you realized you were low but you couldn't speak? It is so terrifying..

I guess we will never really know what made your heart stop so sudden, so out of the blue. There was no prehistory of heart issues. Your diabetes was under control and you were not sick. We have been told you didn't suffer at all, if that can be of any comfort to anyone. I just wished we could turn back time..

Walk for a Cure

Today is my 12th Diaversary. It's not always been easy but I'm still here and there are no complications yet. I need your help though. Not just for me, but for everyone out there who has T1 Diabetes. Insulin is a treatment, not a solution. Some smart scientists are working day and night (well, they probably do sleep at times) to find a cure for T1 Diabetes. How could I just relax and sit back and wait for that cure to happen? Things don't work that way. It takes effort and fundraising and motivation. Most of all: it takes hope! If we have no hope there will ever be a cure, why would others hope for us? Don't give up, my friends. I know our doctors have told us there will be a cure in 10 years and some doctors promised that 30 years ago. We can't give up! That is just not an option. I know some of you are tired of fighting. Diabetes takes a lot of energy we don't have. We're not alone in this story. So many people out there who have family members, friends, co-workers, ... who share this condition.

Make your donation today. Don't delay any longer. 

We need your support big time! 

http://www.jdrfwalk.nl/t1vlaanderen

We just have today, we are not promised tomorrow

I first met the two of you last August. I had no idea who to expect and I was surprised by the friendliness you and your father welcomed me into his home with. Immediately I was impressed by the bond between you both. He was your inspiration, your rock, your adviser and caretaker. You could talk on the same level, like adults are supposed to do, even in a father - daughter relationship. I admired you for that. You cared deeply for him and I could tell by the sparkle in his eyes, how much he loved you. Right there and then, I realized how deeply a father can love his daughter and wish nothing but the best for you. I could read from the look on his face, how proud he was of you.

You told me he was very ill. He had had surgery and times had been rough. But he was doing better and both him and your mom spent several vacations abroad to enjoy each others company. You would take care of his dog in the meantime and keep an eye on their property. That's the kind of person you are: caring, loving, generous and loyal. The apple didn't fall far from the tree, I suppose.

Today I came to see you, completely out of the blue. We normally meet and talk about diabetes, since we share the same condition. There were no intentions for a meeting whatsoever, but your parents had brought me a tortilla pan from Spain. A pan I had been wanting for quite some time. You are so good at arranging things and surprising other people. We talked about your father and that he needed a check-up at the hospital, for he wasn't feeling too well. You always spoke of him in a soft voice and with love and compassion. He was your friend...

We said our goodbyes around 4:00 PM and I returned on my steps and said to you: don't worry about your dad, he'll be just fine. And you said: of course he will, he has to. I didn't expect your phone call later this evening. I'm so sorry for your loss, my friend. This must be so hard on you. Your father is at peace now. He has left a true legacy, a loving family and an amazing impression on so many people. Take care now. I'll talk to you soon xx

It's been a productive day

Photo Cathy Van de Moortele

I hate to clean house, I really do. Don't get me wrong: I love clean houses, but I don't like to clean them. It makes my back ache and it's really fulfilling the moment you're done, but within the hour, the sparkle is gone. It seems so pointless although I see the point of living in a clean house. Are you still with me?

Anyway, today my schedule read: Hubby work - tennis tournament, Lana - studying in Bruges, Eva - babysitting in Ghent. Meaning: I'm home alone! Meaning: the ideal moment to clean house :( I got started early this morning and by the time I had got the hoover out of the cabinet, my urge to clean had already left my mind.. I wanted to cook and bake and stroll through recipes on the Internet. I wanted to go grocery shopping and I wanted to present some kind of fancy dessert in my new Jamie Oliver bowls. But sometimes things just need to be done and today seemed like a good moment to do so, since I was home alone, the sun was out so the dogs and cat could play outside all day. Not?

I cleaned. I really did. But I cooked and I baked more than I cleaned. It was so satisfying to have fun in the kitchen. So many recipes to try out, so many ingredients to be tasted. In between recipes, I would sweep the floors and move furniture around. I would dust window sills and vacuum all of that pet hair on the couch. I must admit, it kinda looked good to see those pillows neatly on a cleaned couch with freshly washed throw blankets. The windows were ajar to let

Photo Cathy Van de Moortele

some the breeze in and my bottle of Febreze cleaned the air of dust and kitchen smells. Nevertheless, the kitchen was calling me to make Oven puffed pancake topped with berries for lunch. I enjoyed every bite sitting on the deck and was already thinking of my next dish to cook: home made ricotta ravioli with a lima bean and pea side. How I love to make my own pasta dishes... it's so satisfying and pleasant and a wonderful way to have some Me Time. No other hobby can give me this amount of pleasure as cooking and baking does. It's addictive to come up with new recipes, try them out, improve them and share them with the world. So many people who want to try out my food. I'm convinced they would like a BUY NOW button on the Internet when they see the food pics pass by.

Just the other week, an acquaintance asked me if I could make dessert for 50 guests next weekend. Of course I can! I have given it a thought and I came up with 5 wonderful desserts her guests will endeavor. So looking forward to that!

Photo Cathy Van de Moortele

Should I go back to school and get a professional training in cooking and baking? I would love to... but I don't know if it's possible. Things are already quite hectic around here. Those classes are time absorbing but my fingers are itching and my heart is longing for more knowledge and improvement. Thinking of it, I'm ready to indulge my grilled peach dessert... wanna have a bowl?

Cooking and baking is not the best hobby if you have diabetes. I decided not to use substitutes in my recipes. I want the real thing so my recipes are nowhere near low carb. So be it. I put enough effort in taking care of myself and I try to keep my A1c as low as possible, but I'm not willing to give up on good food. It's too important for me to keep doing what I love to do. Too bad cleaning is not my hobby.. It would make life a whole lot easier.. and boring.

I can fight my own fight

We have lunches together. We like to hang out and chitchat. Most meetings are diabetes related. That's what happens when you have lunch with peers. Probably very boring if you're not interested in diabetes, but hey: we can all relate! It's not that we have nothing else to talk about, but diabetes is always one of the subjects. Not one person with diabetes has the exact same treatment as yours so it's always interesting to hear other people about their experiences. Although we always make fun of our friend Jan - we keep saying he doesn't really have T1 diabetes, since his numbers are just so steady - we wouldn't want to skip a meeting with him. He's witty and smart and he's so good at keeping his blood glucose steady, that he numbs us with the result. There's no way we will ever get where he has always been, but that's okay. We all do the best we can with the tools we have access to.

Same for our friend Katrien. She has had diabetes for a much longer time. She was just a teen when she got diagnosed. Back in those days, treating T1 diabetes was really hard. The tools were different and so was the approach. Things have evolved since. Katrien said goodbye to her insulin pens and instead, she starting using an insulin pump. Just before that switch, she got herself the best device possible to treat her condition. She and her loving husband got hold of the Dexcom G4, the Continuous Glucose Monitoring system, that tells us our BG at all times, day and night, day in day out. It warns us for upcoming highs and lows. I met Katrien before she got the Dexcom. Her life and that of her husband, was completely different. She would suffer from severe diabetic comas and epileptic seizures. At least once a month, she would loose consciousness due to a severe low. None of that has happened since she started using CGM. What a relief, what a difference. Her life has changed for the better. She has finally got the chance to alter her treatment and it feels good to see her get better.

We can fight our own fight, no doubt about that. After all, we have to fight our fight every day of the
year, year after year. It is a chronic disease, remember? We know what our body can handle and most of the time, we know why we went out of line. But still, it is good to sit down with peers every now and then, to tell our story and hear the other. I'm grateful for these meetings. Love you guys...

I hate it when you do that

It's been quite a while since my diabetes was so out of control. I must admit, I had not changed my site in time (okay, I was way overdue), so by the time I got the site out this morning, my skin was red and swollen and icky. I cleaned and disinfected the site and inserted a new one, far from the previous one (there is enough skin to find on my body, that holds enough fat to stand a site insertion). Grabbing my coat, I left the house to rush to work.

Driving the car, I felt this terrible thirst coming up. There's always a diet soda and a regular soda in the car, for emergencies. Instantly, I felt this was going to be one of those days... I emptied a 500 ml bottle of diet coke, but it didn't quench my thirst. My Dexcom told me my numbers were skyrocketing. Great... just what I needed. I'm tired already and a workday ahead of me wasn't going to solve the problem. I needed to focus on getting those numbers down. I got out of the car - it's only a 10 min drive to work - and tested my BG. My meter said 504... My Dexcom couldn't give any more details, since it stops counting at 400. It sure felt like 504. It was like someone made me eat a bowl full of oatmeal and forgot to pour the milk over it. Grumble... this was not going to be a great day...

The little girl I take care of, was ready for her nap and all I could think of, was having a nap myself. But it's work, remember? No time to nap.. She fell asleep in my lap and of course, I had to go pee.. again.. ggrrrrr... that's what high numbers do to your bladder. They make you run to the loo way too often to get rid of that excess sugar in your kidneys. Princess wasn't sleeping anyway, so I didn't feel guilty about getting up. I stumbled down the stairs, holding on to the banisters and making sure little Princess was held tight to my body. I put her down in her chair, went to the toilet, had 500 ml water to drink and went back to the toilet. I corrected multiple times this afternoon, to get those bloody highs out of my system, but it was like my body was resistant to insulin. It just didn't do anything at all. I knew it was gonna hit me in the face at a certain point, so I didn't want to overdo on the correcting part. I was so thankful for my Dexcom, so at least, I could see where I was headed towards without poking my fingers 12 times in a row. My numbers had stabilized around HIGH so I decided to give another correction bolus. I felt sick to my stomach by now and I had run out of diet soda and water. My mouth was dry and my body dehydrated. I was hungry as well but didn't dare to eat anything for I didn't want to go any higher. I was so happy little Princess decided to take another nap. We cuddled and dove into that comfortable couch together, turned on the TV and chilled out. I truly hate it when this happens...


Around 5 PM, my numbers started to crawl down, slowly but at least they were coming down. Right before I went home, I saw a straight arrow pointing downwards. Great... had another bottle of regular coke in the car - it was hot from sitting in the sun all day, but hey, who minds warm coke when you're about to faint? I drove home and decided to skip the carbs for the rest of the day. We had grilled prawns, tuna and salmon sashimi and some wakame salad.
I so enjoyed my dinner and was really full. I can't believe my Dexcom was buzzing again!!! This time to prevent me from going low. Cheese and rice! Come on! Can't you have just a little bit of sympathy here? Hello??? I'm full! Can't have any more food or drinks. I hate you Diabetes, at times I really hate you...

I stuffed down a small piece of toast, spread with Nutella, to get rid of that 78 pointing downwards. Did I get rid of it all right... In just an hour time, my BG read 238 again... WTF!  I want someone to take over. I want to sleep and forget about D, just for a couple of hours. I need that cure NOW!

While that's all fine and dandy..

It's been a year now, since this very nice man asked me to pull up my shirt, so he could insert this thingamajig into my tummy. I had no idea what to expect or if this device would be meaningful enough to me to have it glued to my body 24/7. I never asked to get diabetes, I never asked to be given this stupid chronic disease. But it's there, it ain't going nowhere and I have to own it to make a difference. I have accepted my condition a long time ago. Although a cure is not yet found, we have access to great technology nowadays. I wish all of my peers could have this same availability to whatever they need to keep their diabetes in control. Life is hard enough as it is.. We can use all the support out there. You may not really know what it's like to have diabetes, but a little bit of compassion and sympathy goes a long way.

Last night, I got a phone call from a very nice lady. She's Dutch and very smart, witty and enthusiastic. I told her it was too bad she didn't have diabetes, because now she couldn't join our club... Of course I didn't mean that (I would not want to nominate anyone for this bloody disease), but that's the kind of conversation we had: very open, spontaneous and honest. Although this lady is not a diabetic herself, she sure knows what she's talking about. It always startles me that non-diabetics make it their goal in life to help diabetics in whatever they find worthwhile.

So this lady and I talked for a while (...) and the conversation felt like I had known her for a long time. Her enthusiasm struck me. I was startled to hear about her determination in finding a cure for T1 diabetes. She knows people. She knows more than a handful of people - people that matter when it comes to finding a cure. She's a manager working for JDRF Holland and she's the one when it comes to fundraising, getting in touch with people who want to make the difference. I was happy she called me and I would be very honored if I could mean something to JDRF and all of us diabetics out there.

Insulin pumps are wonderful and Dexcom is the invention of the century for people with diabetes. While that's all fine and dandy: it's not a cure. We may seem very relaxed and coping, we all still have diabetes. Technology has improved massively and researchers all over the world are doing the best they can to come up with that cure that will kick diabetes in the butt. We need money though... a whole lot of money. Researchers are so close, but they need extra funding to finish what they have started.

That same night, I got another call from Holland. I met this lady a couple of years ago, on a diabetes congress in Brussels. I remembered her as a lady with pezaz, a driving force and most of all: a mom of a sweet little girl with diabetes. That girl is 9 years old now and a cure has not been found yet. It is time to spread the word again and sit around the table for a serious session of brainstorming. Are you with me?

Scatterbrain

Honestly, I don't know what happened, but my mind is always distracted lately. I can't focus properly, I forget things and I don't seem to hear what people try to tell me. Too often I have to ask my friends to repeat what they have just said, because I missed parts of the conversation. It's like my brain is not keeping up with the thoughts?

I'm too busy doing a zillion things. I need to make priority lists so I can get things done before they get out of hand. So much running around, driving way too many miles in too little time. Rush rush in the rat race. I long for next week. I long for some quiet time.. My brain just doesn't stop talking to itself. There are so many things I need to remember and cannot forget. Forgive me for not hearing you or for asking things for the third time. I'm getting there. Today will be more organized. Maybe my hairdresser can massage my skull and let some tension drift off. A night out with my sister-in-law sounds very appealing, so we're heading towards the beauty salon together. Zen...

If you don't know me by now

I can take a lot. I can even take a lot of crap. But I have a breaking point, like most of you. I have to take care of myself and protect my boundaries, since previous experiences have taught me that trop is too much.

Part of what I like to do, is taking care of people. Let's say I am the nursing kind of girl. It is always to my concern that my beloved ones and friends feel well. I like to take care of them and I'm there if they need a cuddle or a chat. I'm lucky to have friends with good shoulders to cry on once I have reached my limits. Sometimes it's just been too much. Too much running around, too little time for me. Too much sorrow and not enough happy times. Nobody is to blame. That's just life. It is what it is and I'm okay with that. As long as I have a way to vent, time to relax and let go. I need things I like to do, to refuel my body and mind, so I can move on. Every now and then, my engine slows down and the tank needs refueling. That's when it becomes tricky. Do I go on or do I slam my brakes? It is a fine line, but I know that when I cross that line, I fall apart... And the thing is: I have no time to fall apart. I need to keep going. Too many things need to be done and too many people depend on me.

The last months have been hectic. One daughter moved house and started college. The other daughter stayed at home and had to get used to being the only daughter around. I started my job as a Tupperware consultant in August. It takes time and effort to start your own business. There are extra things to worry about and you need to build a customer base. Work meetings on Monday evenings, Training Sessions on Tuesday nights after a 9 hour work day, culinary parties with customers, dates with friends, family gatherings. Around that same time, I started working extra hours looking after that sweet little Princess. Being who I am, I still want to feed my family home cooked meals, have their laundry done and take them wherever they need to go. I don't want to give up on my diabetic friends either and I still put effort in preparing myself for my lectures on my life as a diabetic. I have always found it hard to ask others for help. It's just not something I like to do. The people that know me well, can read between the lines. They know when to sound the alarm. It's like they have a sixth sense. They text me or give me a phone call, when they sense something is not right. And then, right out of the blue, the bubble bursts and the stress founds it way out. It is some sort of relief of built up stress. It is a warning to slow down and to ask for help. My back is killing me and that is another sign my body gives me this time of year. For a number of years now, my back has been giving me extra pain once the cold weather has announced its arrival. The holidays are coming back too and they are not my favorite time of year either. If only we could go to Florida now. If only there would be some well deserved sun and time to relax.

But guess what? Dreaming is not the best solution. I have to get a grip on life again, straighten my back and broaden my shoulders. Times will be hectic for a while now. I know that. Still finding a way to cope with that. All ideas are welcome!

Blue Day

I would like to dedicate this blog to my fellow diabetic friends. Only diabetics know what it's like to have diabetes. No matter how educated one is on the subject, if you don't have it - no offense - you can't feel it.
This week, I have had several dates with my D-friends. It's always good to meet up and share this mutual factor. There are no silent moments when we are together. We don't have to explain why we order a regular coke and sharing sweet & low is normal since here in Belgium, we still get sugar sticks with an order of coffee.

I still meet too many diabetics, who have never met a fellow diabetic before. Why is that? So many of us out there? Do these people honestly hide their diabetes from the world? Is it shame? Probably... too often, people are told by the media that we have caused our diabetes. Isn't that a horrible thing to say? Stigmatizing people for a condition they haven't asked for is cruel. It is mean and unnecessary. It can happen to anyone of you. Pretty shocking huh? What would you do, if all of a sudden, your world is turned upside down? I'm sure it wouldn't be much of a joke if one day, you were told to poke your fingers 6 times a day, shoot up insulin for every bite of food you indulge and be warned for possible complications? Maybe there would be more sympathy for us D-people..


There is no cure yet. Insulin is not a cure. CGM is not a cure. Poking your fingers isn't a cure either. We have to keep up hope that one day, someone will be smart enough to make D go away. Until then, we can use your support and help in making life with D a bit easier.

Hang in there buddies. Together we're strong. Don't let diabetes defeat you. We can get a hold of this! I'm proud of you all, for coping with this freaking condition day after day. I'm proud of how you guys handle life and move on. Keep supporting each other, keep your hopes up, for one day Diabetes will be history. Love you guys. And gals. Of course.

I'm not a new kid on the block

Isn't it funny, that so many non-diabetics let us diabetics know how to treat our disease? They send us emails concerning healthy diets, they point out natural cures like cinnamon (no, it does not replace insulin, sorry) or some organic coffee to lower your bloodsugar. Sometimes I feel like a real idiot for not knowing about these simple cures.. Where was I all that time?

I read this letter today, written by someone with D. It says exactly how I feel when it comes to "helping" someone with diabetes. It could be interesting to read. After all, don't we all know people with this condition? Excuse us for the inside jokes among diabetics. We are allowed to make those jokes. My friends know why we look out for knee high shorts on sales. Those are personal insider jokes, not jokes non-diabetics may make..

Diabetes Etiquette for people who DON’T have diabetes

• DON’T offer unsolicited advice about my eating or other aspects of diabetes: You may mean well, but giving advice about someone’s personal habits, especially when not requested, is not very nice. Besides, many of the popularly held beliefs about diabetes (You should just stop eating sugar) are out of date or just plain wrong.

• DO realize and appreciate that diabetes is hard work: Diabetes management is a full time job that I didn’t apply for, didn’t want, and can’t quit.

• DON’T tell me horror stories about your grandmother or other people with diabetes you have heard about: These stories are not reassuring.

• DO offer to join me in making healthy lifestyle choices: Not being alone is one of the most helpful things for me.

• DON’T look horrified when I check my blood sugars or give myself an injection: It’s not a lot of fun for me either. Checking sugars and taking medications are things I have to do to be healthy. If I have to hide while doing so, it makes it much harder for me.

• DO ask how you might be helpful: If you want to be supportive there may be lots of little things I would probably appreciate your help with. However, what I really need may be very different from what you think I need, so please ask first.

• DON’T offer thoughtless reassurances. When you first learn about my diabetes you may want to reassure me by saying things like “Hey, it could be worse; you could have cancer!” this won’t make me feel better. And the implicit message seems to be that diabetes is no big deal. However, diabetes (like cancer) IS a big deal.

• DO be supportive of my efforts for self-care: Help me set up an environment for success. Please honor my decision to decline a food choice, even when you really want me to try it. You are most helpful when not being a source of unnecessary temptation.

• DON’T!!! Peek at or comment on my blood sugars without asking me first: These numbers are private unless I choose to share them. It’s normal to have numbers that are sometimes too low or high. Your unsolicited comments about them can add to the frustration, disappointment, and anger I already feel.

• DO offer your love and encouragement: As I work hard to manage my diabetes, sometimes just knowing you care can be very helpful and motivating.

It runs in the family, they say..

"So are there any other diabetics in your family?", she asked. In fact, there are. Well, some are no longer here. There was my grandmother on my mother's side. She passed away a long time ago, probably because of T2 related complications. There's my mom's sister and brother, who both have diabetes, as in T2 and prediabetes. On the other side of the family, there was my great grandfather, who was a T2 diabetic as well as my grandfather and some even say my grandmother was a T2 as well, but I'm not sure about that. There's my father's sister, who has been shooting up insulin for 14 years now and there's another sister who has to "pay attention" to what she eats, if you know what I mean. And then there's the family dog... Her name was Charlotte. Or Bollie. She had different names. She was quite old when she got diagnosed with diabetes. Her knees showed infected wounds and her eyes had known better days... I knew nothing about diabetes in those days. But I could tell the dog was suffering and hurting. She must have been so thirsty and tired and she probably urinated quite a bit. I can't remember, but I do remember the sadness in her eyes.

"So did the dog get treated for her diabetes?", the nurse asked.. I got quite emotional over that question. That's how I feel when it comes to diabetes. We hold on to one another because of the mutual bond diabetes brought us. Even pets with diabetes are welcome in the group. Because we know what it feels like. Because we can relate to each other without words. My vet told us, our sighthounds could never get diabetes. It's not possible in that breed. Would that work for people too? Would there be some race that will never get diabetes?

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Voilà! I did it. Welcome to the life of a T1 diabetic.

Is it that strange?

I'm scrolling through pictures people have posted on FaceBook. Pictures of their homes, their family, their vacation in some far off place. That's how it goes nowadays. People let you look into their lives, even if you have never met them in real life. You get to know them by their snapshots. Is it surprising to you, that they only upload the pictures that make them look their best? If you're lucky, nobody else will post pictures of you in your right-out-of-bed-look. Only the best shots will make the FaceBook album: dressed to the nines, happy smile, beautiful outfits and straight from the hair salon: picture perfect families. Because we all want to look our best, right? Right?

It's like getting your school report. You tell whoever wants to know, what your grades are. That is, if those grades are good enough to share. If they are not that good to show off, you won't mention them, would you? It's not like you would step up to people and say: hey, wanna know about the bad score I got on my mathematics test? You keep the scores to yourself and you hope nobody will ask about them.

You can tell people about your bad day at work. How crappy it was and how you hope it will end soon. Will you also tell them, that bad day was caused because you went to bed late after an argue with your husband? Is it to their concern that you didn't sleep all night and you want your colleagues to take the blame for your bad day? No, FaceBook will only state: terrible day at work.. and your followers will get back to you saying how sorry they feel for you and that they hope you will have a better day tomorrow. Because we don't want to share what went wrong..

Trying to show the best of us, is what we were brought up with. It was important to our parents, to show how successful you were. It probably makes parents feel better about themselves, if their children do well in school, at work, in their social life. They'd rather not have others know that their son drinks because he can't cope with the high standard life has brought him. They don't want people to find out their youngest got kicked out of school for the second time, so they say he switched school because it had more opportunities. Because we all want to look our best. It is important to us that people have a good impression about who we are.

I'm always happy to share good blood work when it comes to diabetes. I like my numbers to behave and I have no problem typing them down for others to see. Every now and then I even share images of good graphs and "perfect" situations. Because it takes hard work to get those numbers and you put a lot of effort in it. Doctors ask you to do your best and make sure that HbA1c is below 7%. Because you don't want to get nasty complications, do you? They state the importance of having your numbers within range (and the margins become tighter over the years). Not one doctor prepares you for numbers that are way out of line. They don't tell you it is more likely to have off numbers than readings that make you feel good. So you want to live up to their standard. You want your D to be in control. Because you want to look your best. Diabetes isn't easy. It's not always the way you want it to be. It is hard to admit. It doesn't make you a terrible person if you let others know your numbers were way out of range. Then why is it so hard? Why don't we let others see our dark side? I dare you all, to post your worst self pic ever. I challenge you to write on your FB status: "Did lousy at work today. I made my colleagues look bad and I screwed up on a very important job." Don't be afraid about the comments you'll get. I won't fear the comments after having posted a crappy D-day, due to miscalculating carbs for that wonderful cheesecake, high readings, pump sites that stayed in way too long.
I dare you. 

A mother's nightmare

I'm a member of different diabetes groups on the Internet, so every now and then, in between good news, there's also sad news to read. Today, right before lunch, I read the story on little Jillian. Tears were stinging in the corner of my eyes, just by reading her mom's diary. Little Jillian was diagnosed just recently, June 2013. She was a fun girl, going to kindergarten until D changed her life. She would never again be the innocent 4 yo she was before. From that day on, Jillian would need special care and special attention until the day she could take care of herself or until the day a cure for diabetes is found.

If you still think, diabetes is "nothing special" or if you make statements like "at least it's not cancer", well let me tell you this. Diabetes is no game. It's a life threatening disease. It's always there and you must always be on the lookout for highs and lows. Other people have no idea what it's like to be constantly aware of the fact that overdosing insulin might take your life. High bloodsugar can make you extremely sick and may require hospital treatment. Lows can make you lose consciousness as well if not treated right away. The fear of everyone with diabetes, is to not wake up from a diabetic low.. It is scary and although it doesn't happen very often, people do die from unnoticed diabetic lows.

This is what I read on the blog of Jillian's mom.. it made the hairs in the back of my neck stand up immediately. I feel so sad for her loss. I don't know Jillian, nor do I know her family. But I do know this must be any mother's nightmare. Children are not supposed to go before their parents. This little girl was not even 5. She will be missed by so many people. We have to find a cure for this ugly disease. No family should go through such an ordeal. Only 4 months after being diagnosed, this little girl's life was taken. Jillian was in hospital, being treated for high sugar levels. She had an IV and nurses were guarding her. Nevertheless, she died in her sleep. Nobody could save her from this bloody disease.

I have had a discussion with my endocrinologist over CGM. You all know by now, I use a Dexcom continuous glucose monitoring system. It helps me identify lows and highs if my body fails at warning me. And it does fail at times. I do feel most of my lows, but being asleep is always tricky. Having diabetes makes you tired and sometimes catching sleep is more important than spending time in the twilight zone, making sure you are not fully asleep. You want to make sure you guard yourself from going low so you don't sleep well. Because of my Dexcom, nowadays I can sleep better and deeper, because I know it will warn me from unnoticed lows. Just a couple of days ago, I was so happy with my "flatline" on my Dexcom readings... this is how it's supposed to be.
Not the flatline Jillian got..
I wish little Jillian would've had Dexcom equipment. It is not a gadget, like some people dare to call it. It's my life saver. I'm so grateful for my Dexcom. It's not a cure, but it can help me get the best treatment possible until a cure will be found.
Please let all of your love go to Jillian's family now. Their life will never be the same..

She went to bed last night with a blood sugar of 214 and when the nurse tested her at 5am she was 122 which is where we wanted to be. But at 8am when they went to wake her up she didn't get up. Somewhere between 5:30 and 8am this morning she fell into diabetic coma and died in her sleep.

Who's the best doctor?

Assume you have been seeing the same old diabetes doctor since you were just a young teen. For a very long time, let's say around 30 years, this same doctor has been your hero, the man who has helped you through many ordeals. He has calmed you down when you were completely lost. He understood the high numbers followed by those creepy lows when you had gone out with your
friends. He reprimanded you for not using your glucometer for 2 weeks, because you were fed up with D. He reassured your parents you were going to be okay, when once again, you were in the hospital with DKA. Your parents invited him to your wedding and he congratulated you with your first child. He helped you figure out the lows and the highs and he checked the blue marks on your thigh as a result of the daily nighttime shot. He reminded you to take your vitamin D and to change your needles as often as possible. And then, he announced he was going to leave the hospital. He wanted other, younger doctors to take over. Your world fell apart. How would you cope without him? Not one other doctor knew all about your lows and highs. This man knew you better than your own parents did? Deep down, you knew this day would come. You weren't ready for it. It wasn't easy for him either...

Then this other doctor showed up. He was experienced too. He had a calm voice and a firm hand but he was not your doctor.. You built a shield around you and you were not prepared to let him in. He talked about some device you had never heard of. He tried to persuade you to alter the settings on your insulin pump. Was he out of his mind??? If your settings weren't okay, wouldn't your own doctor have said so? What do you mean, 180 mg/dl is not the best average blood glucose?

You were heartbroken. You wanted to talk to your own doctor and make him come back. He deserved his retirement, absolutely. But why now? Why someone else that you didn't know?

Things are different now. You have to rely on a different method. A doctor with an opinion of its own. Why does he keep saying it is so important to count carbs? Why does he want you to change what has become your way of life? It's not fair. It's still the same disease, then why change it all?

You texted me to ask about the carb content of this and that. We sat down together, to discuss this new device, called Dexcom G4. You were impressed, to your surprise. Maybe it was time to let go. Just like a mom, who is setting her child free to flap her wings, it was time to let go of the old days and the old ways. You were ready for a new milestone. I heard you followed my advice and you got yourself a new insulin pump, bluetooth included. I'm proud of you. Carb counting can be tricky, but seeing what those carbs do to a body infected by diabetes, is beyond interesting. I have this feeling, that you are beginning to like this new doctor. Maybe he's not the enemy. Maybe he's your next challenge in life. You can do this. You're on your way.

It's going to be a breeze

That's what I thought when I got diagnosed June 12 2002. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it. Period.
NOT! I definitely had to sober up when I realized my efforts didn't always kick in the way I wanted them to. My idea of injecting the amount of insulin prescribed by the doctor, was that I would always have great numbers. What a disappointment it was when that didn't happen. There were lows and way too many highs and it was very difficult to figure out where they came from or what had caused them. I assume diabetics are the only people around to shoot up not to get high... Those highs are very damaging to our body. They affect our nerves and eyes, our kidneys and heart. It is very important to keep those highs to a minimum. I have had my share of high numbers (I'm talking HI as in over 600 mg/dl) in my first years after diagnosis. Back then, I didn't count carbs yet (I had not even heard of carbohydrates) and I didn't have an insulin pump. There wasn't much information for me yet and I felt alone in treating this stupid condition.

It's been 11 years. Things have changed. I have a network around me of people who share this same disease and we help each other whenever we can. We get advised and opinions are being shared. It's good to have peers within reach to talk things over. Making the transfer from injecting insulin to using an insulin pump, has been a major improvement in my diabetes treatment. The first years were hectic and more difficult, for back then I did not yet have the support I have nowadays. Learning how to count carbs was another big step in moving on and getting better HbA1c's. But still, 8.5% was the lowest number I could achieve. I wanted that number to be below 8% but I couldn't find the way.

For 3 years now, my numbers haven't been higher than 7.8%. I recently started using Dexcom G4 CGM and my latest A1c was 6.4%!! I'm so proud of where I am now! I'm convinced that number will even get lower. I'm not using that much insulin any more and my insulin resistance has gotten so much better.
The cost of this device is certainly more than worth it. It will help reduce the chance of complications in later life. Trust me, I don't want to die at 50 any more. I plan on living way longer now.

Last night was a hard one. Three lows in a row, that I solved with real coke and scoops of candy. My Dexie woke me up every single time. I would have slept through those lows if it weren't for my special helper. It's another milestone in my diabetes career. And yes, I'm very excited about that... 

Stay focused!

We were having our talk over lunch at Milano's in Antwerp (check the link - you have to go and try out their menu - you won't regret it) when I told my friend about how difficult it was to stay focused at times. He was looking at me with recognition and his mouth open wide. Do you really think this is diabetes related? Are we the only diabetics who get lows when too many impulses hit in? Like standing in line at Ikea or picking out shoes or having a cooking workshop surrounded by nothing but good food and 10 people asking questions? Been there! Those moments really suck! They happen at work when Kiddo needs my full attention and they happen at job interviews or other important conversations like in a meeting with your doctor. The lows smack you in the face and they make you numb and it's getting harder to talk in a normal way. All eyes are set on you and you hear voices but you have no idea who's speaking. It's like the voices are further away and your head is empty like a scooped out coconut. You have your juice and you need some time to recover but guess what: there is no time! These are just random situations you cannot just sit down and wish for the low to go visit someone else. The more you keep going, the deeper your low gets and the worse you feel. You start making mistakes (it's not the best plan to make payments at this time), you can no longer answer to simple questions because your brain blocks. They go into survival mode and nothing else but sugar is important.

Before I got diagnosed with D, I was really good at organizing things and do 12 things at the same time. Having to admit it's not that easy any more, is hard. You keep trying and you don't want to give in (or up), but those are moments D rules, no matter how hard you fight it. Some days, it's like I can't get anything done, because I can't remember what to do first. So I make lists and I check off the things I have done (some days I can only check off one item), but there are always so many more to complete. Screw you D. You're a very badass at times. I have to embrace you and love you, for you are always with me, but sometimes I really want to punch you in the face. You won't get me. I'll find ways to get around the problem, trust me. I don't give up that easily. There's too many of us out there. We will beat you one day, remember that. We will beat you!

The party pooper

We took his car, because mine was too filthy. For a second I thought of moving DEB (my Diabetes Emergency Box) from my car to the other one, but then I was like: what the heck? I had checked my purse for glucose strips, needles, infusion sets, small cans of regular coke and insulin. All present, so no need for DEB. As soon as we got to the party, the first low kicked in. I was a bit annoyed, because we had not been offered a drink yet and I desperately needed some glucose. I didn't hear much of the conversation, because my brain was focused on getting sugar. That's when I remembered the small cans of regular coke in my purse (thank goodness for my organisation talent when it comes to D, even in smaller purses). I turned around to have my coke, for I didn't want anyone to notice I was having a drink before them. It would be kinda rude to the host, to bring your own drinks and give them the impression they were late serving drinks, right? They noticed the drink anyway and hubby told them I probably had a low to fix. The host felt embarrassed and asked if they could bring me something to get over it? I shook my head and finished my coke and turned back to join in. Great entree... Not that I'm ashamed to admit I have D, not at all. It's just no fun to focus the attention on yourself meeting people for the first time.

Guests kept coming and the party got started. We were having a good time and a pleasant night. Every now and then, I would take a glance at my Dexcom G4, to see how the readings were and I was fine. I decided not to have any alcohol, not only for the reason I'm the driver when we go out, but also because I don't want alcohol to influence my judgement when it comes to D. I was responsible for taking both of us home so I needed to A. stay sober and B. maintain good BG.

The host had marinated shrimp that were so juicy and big, that saliva nearly dripped down my mouth. He was nervous and entertaining at the same time. I expected food (carbs) to hit in pretty soon, so I went ahead and bolused for the meal we were going to have soon. Oopsie, my glucometer warned me for low batteries. Darn! no new batteries in my purse. No problem! DEB holds plenty of batteries, for my glucometer and my insulin pump! Bummer... DEB was at home, in my car. Hmhm.. I could have asked the host for batteries or I could've gone home to get some, but I decided not to. Again, I didn't want to draw any attention to myself. I wasn't used to not switching batteries immediately when the LOW alarm appeared on my screen, but I was sure I would make it through the night.

One of the guests was showing off his singing talent and the crowd was laughing in tears. I had a hard time joining in, for I saw my numbers creeping up. I had not had that many carbs yet, but still my numbers were going up. I decided to have another mealtime bolus and a correction bolus. Dexcom warned me of the highs several times. It was getting dark out there and the food kept coming. Maybe I should not have that jacket potato or crispy bread and just stick to the meat and veggies? I hate high numbers. Things have been different back then, but nowadays, I really don't want my numbers to skyrocket anymore. For a moment, I was jealous of the others, for not having to deal with this stupid disease. That feeling went away pretty fast, because at some point, we all have our flaws and obstacles in life and I didn't know about theirs, so I'd better hush and move on.

Let's have another glass of red wine! my husband cheered. The bottles kept coming and I must admit: the wine smelled wonderful and the 9 empty wine bottles said it all. I wanted to go home and change those batteries. So I asked hubby to call it a night, but he wanted another glass. Can't blame him... by that time we had moved from the dark outside to the cosy inside of the garden shed. People were still having a great time, holding their glasses of wine and telling stories by the dozen. Diabetes spoiled the moment. I just wanted to go home and correct those high numbers. I just wanted to go home....

I'm sorry I don't understand

Diabetes has become epidemic. Worldwide and all over the nation, this disease is being talked about on a daily basis. Nevertheless, not many people know what it's really about. They know there are different types of diabetes and they know insulin and lows may be involved, but that's about it. Then how come, so many of these people are commenting on our lifestyle and diabetes treatment like we're not doing the best we can? I just don't get it? They strive to give good advice and they point out what you should and shouldn't eat. They love to share the horror stories of deceased family members (may they rest in peace) with diabetes and they look horrified when a tiny drop of blood comes out of your fingertip after you have poked it to test your glucose levels.

Last night, we had a wonderful BBQ with people I had never met, but who are friends of my husband. My husband must have told them I have T1 diabetes, for the host asked me if she could get me something special, like regular coke or water or whatever I needed. Regular coke??? Hmhmhm... exactly.. She was real nice and very concerned and she had honestly worried about whether I would be able to eat what she had in mind. So I went to see her in her kitchen and told her I could have whatever she had prepared for me. She listened very carefully and nodded and I noticed she didn't understand. Being seated around the table - what a fabulous scenery and I just had to compliment the host for having created such a fairy like garden - we were getting acquainted and since it was a warm summer night, I took of my jacket and without any warning, the first question popped out of the mouth of one of the guests: what's that little box on your upper arm? So I told the group I had T1 diabetes because my pancreas stopped making insulin. Therefore I needed to provide my body with insulin whenever it called for it: to cover food, to exercise, to be able to live and to cope with emotions. They were interested in this device called Dexcom G4 and they thought it was awesome that now I was worry free and ready to lead a totally normal life despite the diabetes! Well.. I told them diabetes is not that easy, notwithstanding that I have an insulin pump that makes my life easier, despite my Dexcom G4 that shows me the trends of what my blood sugar is doing. They complimented me for doing so well and then went back to the stories of the people in their surroundings that have been "blessed" with T1 as well. How awful their life was, for having swings in their blood glucose every day. For how they had to poke their fingers like 6 times a day! It hurt to hear them say those people didn't do the best they could, because they didn't seem to have their diabetes under control. When I asked them why they would think so, they answered: if it would be under control, they wouldn't have blood sugar rollercoasters and they wouldn't have highs and lows..

Why is it so hard to understand? I started the night with a low and I ended up high. Am I a "diabadass" now? Am I not doing the best I can? Will my toes turn black and will my kidneys fail on me? I wasn't ready for a pity show and it was pretty confrontational to hear others discuss and judge people with diabetes. I felt like I had to defend them and it threw some sort of shadow over the party for me. I don't think anyone noticed, but for the first time in a very long time, my diabetes feelings had been hurt. I know I can't blame them for not knowing. It's just painful, that's all.