I was wondering...

why it had been so long since I last blogged. Have things been too hectic around here? Was I running out of inspiration? Maybe other priorities? I really don't know. It just didn't happen for a while. I had the intention to blog every now and then, but I never really got to it.

Today is the day I need to blog. Because I'm sad. Because I want to scream and shout. Because life is a bitch. I feel devastated and hurt and my heart is bleeding. Scrolling back through my blog, I saw that one of my last blogs was about how we are just promised today, not tomorrow. I can't believe this actually has happened. You had not yet come to terms with your papie's passing. You missed him so much and your heart didn't find the right way to heal. You missed your rock, your inspiration, your guideline and your mentor. He meant the world to you..

Did you ever realize how much you meant to that same world? Did you ever hear your family and friends say how much they appreciated you? You were so special, so unique, so unselfish. Whatever you did, you did in the best interest of others. I never heard you talk bad about anyone. You were always a very good listener and your heart was big enough to hold a great bunch of friends.

I liked to stop by, whenever I went to Bruges. Your cute little dog Troy was your pride, although you still missed Chablis, your previous dog. Troy is waiting for you to come home, sitting by the screen door, not understanding why the house is filled with crying people holding on to each other. I picked him up and tried to comfort him. We tried to comfort each other. Your daughter, your son, your husband and your friends.. we were all there to try to understand the reason for your being taken away. I do understand there is a reason for everything but I really can't see any reason for this loss. You were born 6 months before me. Too young to go explore the other world. Why? Just why???  You were needed here... you had been doing so well lately, trying to get control of your diabetes.
Do you remember our first date, at your parents' house? There was this instant click. It's been just a little over a year since we first met, but it seemed like we had known each other for much longer. Sometimes there is this connection one cannot explain. Even if we hadn't seen each other for some time, we just picked up where our last conversation ended.

You called me, late that Tuesday night. Our eldest daughter had been in an accident and you wanted to know if she was okay. We chitchatted a bit and we were making an appointment for a gathering with D-friends. I was having a low during our conversation so you told me to get some coke and promised me we would continue our conversation the next day. I will never forget that horrific Wednesday, October 22.. I wanted to hold you and tell you everything was going to be okay. I wanted to make sure the hospital staff did not remove your Dexcom so they would know if you went low. Being in a coma would not give you the opportunity to tell anyone if your bloodsugar was dropping. That worried me. What if you realized you were low but you couldn't speak? It is so terrifying..

I guess we will never really know what made your heart stop so sudden, so out of the blue. There was no prehistory of heart issues. Your diabetes was under control and you were not sick. We have been told you didn't suffer at all, if that can be of any comfort to anyone. I just wished we could turn back time..

Walk for a Cure

Today is my 12th Diaversary. It's not always been easy but I'm still here and there are no complications yet. I need your help though. Not just for me, but for everyone out there who has T1 Diabetes. Insulin is a treatment, not a solution. Some smart scientists are working day and night (well, they probably do sleep at times) to find a cure for T1 Diabetes. How could I just relax and sit back and wait for that cure to happen? Things don't work that way. It takes effort and fundraising and motivation. Most of all: it takes hope! If we have no hope there will ever be a cure, why would others hope for us? Don't give up, my friends. I know our doctors have told us there will be a cure in 10 years and some doctors promised that 30 years ago. We can't give up! That is just not an option. I know some of you are tired of fighting. Diabetes takes a lot of energy we don't have. We're not alone in this story. So many people out there who have family members, friends, co-workers, ... who share this condition.

Make your donation today. Don't delay any longer. 

We need your support big time! 

http://www.jdrfwalk.nl/t1vlaanderen

We just have today, we are not promised tomorrow

I first met the two of you last August. I had no idea who to expect and I was surprised by the friendliness you and your father welcomed me into his home with. Immediately I was impressed by the bond between you both. He was your inspiration, your rock, your adviser and caretaker. You could talk on the same level, like adults are supposed to do, even in a father - daughter relationship. I admired you for that. You cared deeply for him and I could tell by the sparkle in his eyes, how much he loved you. Right there and then, I realized how deeply a father can love his daughter and wish nothing but the best for you. I could read from the look on his face, how proud he was of you.

You told me he was very ill. He had had surgery and times had been rough. But he was doing better and both him and your mom spent several vacations abroad to enjoy each others company. You would take care of his dog in the meantime and keep an eye on their property. That's the kind of person you are: caring, loving, generous and loyal. The apple didn't fall far from the tree, I suppose.

Today I came to see you, completely out of the blue. We normally meet and talk about diabetes, since we share the same condition. There were no intentions for a meeting whatsoever, but your parents had brought me a tortilla pan from Spain. A pan I had been wanting for quite some time. You are so good at arranging things and surprising other people. We talked about your father and that he needed a check-up at the hospital, for he wasn't feeling too well. You always spoke of him in a soft voice and with love and compassion. He was your friend...

We said our goodbyes around 4:00 PM and I returned on my steps and said to you: don't worry about your dad, he'll be just fine. And you said: of course he will, he has to. I didn't expect your phone call later this evening. I'm so sorry for your loss, my friend. This must be so hard on you. Your father is at peace now. He has left a true legacy, a loving family and an amazing impression on so many people. Take care now. I'll talk to you soon xx

Looking good there!

It had been a while - you said 2 months at the least - since we last got together. Things have been quite hectic around here. I can see you during the day and you prefer evening get aways. So it's not always easy to schedule a date, but today we finally met up again.

Foto Cathy Van de Moortele

You looked fab! You dyed your hair and it was a bit shorter than last time I saw you. I felt like caressing your growing belly, but I wasn't too sure you would appreciate that. It was almost emotional to see you pregnant, since I missed your previous pregnancy. I was so anxious to hear the sex of your baby. You didn't want to tell me over the phone, so I had to be patient, but it was worth the wait. I'm so happy for you. That baby will be loved and cuddled and spoiled rotten. Not only by you and your family, but by your beautiful and intelligent son as well.

We sat down for a picnic that I had made for us. We babbled and laughed and ate in between the story telling. It was nice to sit out there, just the two of us - and that little cutie in your belly of course - discussing life and motherhood. You're a great mom. I hear your insecurity and your worries, but there's no need to. Children do real well if loved and you have plenty of love to give.

So looking forward to the end of August. This time, I'll be there to support you and stand by your side xx

I can fight my own fight

We have lunches together. We like to hang out and chitchat. Most meetings are diabetes related. That's what happens when you have lunch with peers. Probably very boring if you're not interested in diabetes, but hey: we can all relate! It's not that we have nothing else to talk about, but diabetes is always one of the subjects. Not one person with diabetes has the exact same treatment as yours so it's always interesting to hear other people about their experiences. Although we always make fun of our friend Jan - we keep saying he doesn't really have T1 diabetes, since his numbers are just so steady - we wouldn't want to skip a meeting with him. He's witty and smart and he's so good at keeping his blood glucose steady, that he numbs us with the result. There's no way we will ever get where he has always been, but that's okay. We all do the best we can with the tools we have access to.

Same for our friend Katrien. She has had diabetes for a much longer time. She was just a teen when she got diagnosed. Back in those days, treating T1 diabetes was really hard. The tools were different and so was the approach. Things have evolved since. Katrien said goodbye to her insulin pens and instead, she starting using an insulin pump. Just before that switch, she got herself the best device possible to treat her condition. She and her loving husband got hold of the Dexcom G4, the Continuous Glucose Monitoring system, that tells us our BG at all times, day and night, day in day out. It warns us for upcoming highs and lows. I met Katrien before she got the Dexcom. Her life and that of her husband, was completely different. She would suffer from severe diabetic comas and epileptic seizures. At least once a month, she would loose consciousness due to a severe low. None of that has happened since she started using CGM. What a relief, what a difference. Her life has changed for the better. She has finally got the chance to alter her treatment and it feels good to see her get better.

We can fight our own fight, no doubt about that. After all, we have to fight our fight every day of the
year, year after year. It is a chronic disease, remember? We know what our body can handle and most of the time, we know why we went out of line. But still, it is good to sit down with peers every now and then, to tell our story and hear the other. I'm grateful for these meetings. Love you guys...

No small talk

Seeing your child suffer, is one of the hardest things moms have to face. You only want the best for your children and you want to see them happy. Teary faces and broken hearts are part of life. You want to protect them from getting hurt, but you can't. Life isn't always one happy story. There are ups and downs and some days are better than others. Relationships can make you grow in life and we need them to learn about ourselves. It is good to love and be loved. Love is wonderful and it is painful at the same time. Knowing the other is always within reach, can be very comforting but frightening as well. Getting too involved can make you feel desperate once the other party is no longer there. It is hard to stay positive and strong when there's so much sadness and grief. I can tell you about my experience as a teenager in love. I'm sure most people can tell you similar stories. But it's not your story, it's not your grief, it's not your loss. Please talk to me. Open your heart and let those tears roll down your cheeks. You didn't give up - you are strong enough to let go. You had this idea of growing old with this love of yours. You can't call it failure. You have loved and you have been loved back in return. It was beautiful and you learned so much. Let your heart heal and try to remember the good times with a smile on your face. He'll be fine. You'll be fine. He will move on and so will you. I'm proud of your mature way of dealing with difficult situations nowadays. I'm proud to be your mom. I love you. 

Bonding

The Student Exchange Program is an excellent tool for students to see the world. Having a host family abroad, is a fine way to experience other cultures and family life in a country different from yours. Last year, we had been given the opportunity to welcome the Italian Ilaria Landriscina into our home. She was not only our guest for 3 months, she became a family member. We are still in touch, just the way I still contact my American host family every now and then. Those are everlasting memories.

Last week, two German students came to stay with us. We were thrilled to have them over and make them feel at home. Mirjam Gröger and Hien Nguyen Totla were a pleasure to have around. They were like a sister to Eva and our dogs were more than happy with the extra cuddles. We didn't get to speak much German and there was no time to teach our guests some Dutch words. Communication went well though and we had a good time together, filled with joy and warm friendship. These two girls had never met before, but seeing how fast they got along, was moving.
Too bad their stay was so short. We should've had more time to get to know each other. I wanted to hear more about their lives in Germany, their family, their interests and activities. Lana offered them their room, while she was in Bruges. We were glad they got to meet each other right before they had to return to Germany.

It was nice having you over girls. Maybe we'll meet again, one day.

Just the two of us

I like our midweek dates. It's good to come over to your place every now and then to catch up and have a private meeting. There isn't always time at home to talk about what keeps you busy and how you've been doing in college. You live by yourself now and you do great! Your room is clean, you cook your own meals and find your way to school without skipping any classes. New friends are being made and you have found some extra activities to join in. Although the nights are getting darker and colder, you haven't given up on living away from home. On the contrary, you have made your room very cozy. You adore the Christmas atmosphere and you were so looking forward to decorating your room with Christmas lights. We are looking forward to having you home again for a while. These Christmas holidays will be different, for your midterms are coming up. First time you will have to study for your college exams, not knowing what it will be like since there's no comparison yet. You don't have an older sibling to ask for advice. Being the oldest means you have more responsibility and you need to find things out on your own. I'm sure that can put strain on you at times. How about we schedule a good massage, to let go of all that built up tension?

If you don't know me by now

I can take a lot. I can even take a lot of crap. But I have a breaking point, like most of you. I have to take care of myself and protect my boundaries, since previous experiences have taught me that trop is too much.

Part of what I like to do, is taking care of people. Let's say I am the nursing kind of girl. It is always to my concern that my beloved ones and friends feel well. I like to take care of them and I'm there if they need a cuddle or a chat. I'm lucky to have friends with good shoulders to cry on once I have reached my limits. Sometimes it's just been too much. Too much running around, too little time for me. Too much sorrow and not enough happy times. Nobody is to blame. That's just life. It is what it is and I'm okay with that. As long as I have a way to vent, time to relax and let go. I need things I like to do, to refuel my body and mind, so I can move on. Every now and then, my engine slows down and the tank needs refueling. That's when it becomes tricky. Do I go on or do I slam my brakes? It is a fine line, but I know that when I cross that line, I fall apart... And the thing is: I have no time to fall apart. I need to keep going. Too many things need to be done and too many people depend on me.

The last months have been hectic. One daughter moved house and started college. The other daughter stayed at home and had to get used to being the only daughter around. I started my job as a Tupperware consultant in August. It takes time and effort to start your own business. There are extra things to worry about and you need to build a customer base. Work meetings on Monday evenings, Training Sessions on Tuesday nights after a 9 hour work day, culinary parties with customers, dates with friends, family gatherings. Around that same time, I started working extra hours looking after that sweet little Princess. Being who I am, I still want to feed my family home cooked meals, have their laundry done and take them wherever they need to go. I don't want to give up on my diabetic friends either and I still put effort in preparing myself for my lectures on my life as a diabetic. I have always found it hard to ask others for help. It's just not something I like to do. The people that know me well, can read between the lines. They know when to sound the alarm. It's like they have a sixth sense. They text me or give me a phone call, when they sense something is not right. And then, right out of the blue, the bubble bursts and the stress founds it way out. It is some sort of relief of built up stress. It is a warning to slow down and to ask for help. My back is killing me and that is another sign my body gives me this time of year. For a number of years now, my back has been giving me extra pain once the cold weather has announced its arrival. The holidays are coming back too and they are not my favorite time of year either. If only we could go to Florida now. If only there would be some well deserved sun and time to relax.

But guess what? Dreaming is not the best solution. I have to get a grip on life again, straighten my back and broaden my shoulders. Times will be hectic for a while now. I know that. Still finding a way to cope with that. All ideas are welcome!

Blue Day

I would like to dedicate this blog to my fellow diabetic friends. Only diabetics know what it's like to have diabetes. No matter how educated one is on the subject, if you don't have it - no offense - you can't feel it.
This week, I have had several dates with my D-friends. It's always good to meet up and share this mutual factor. There are no silent moments when we are together. We don't have to explain why we order a regular coke and sharing sweet & low is normal since here in Belgium, we still get sugar sticks with an order of coffee.

I still meet too many diabetics, who have never met a fellow diabetic before. Why is that? So many of us out there? Do these people honestly hide their diabetes from the world? Is it shame? Probably... too often, people are told by the media that we have caused our diabetes. Isn't that a horrible thing to say? Stigmatizing people for a condition they haven't asked for is cruel. It is mean and unnecessary. It can happen to anyone of you. Pretty shocking huh? What would you do, if all of a sudden, your world is turned upside down? I'm sure it wouldn't be much of a joke if one day, you were told to poke your fingers 6 times a day, shoot up insulin for every bite of food you indulge and be warned for possible complications? Maybe there would be more sympathy for us D-people..


There is no cure yet. Insulin is not a cure. CGM is not a cure. Poking your fingers isn't a cure either. We have to keep up hope that one day, someone will be smart enough to make D go away. Until then, we can use your support and help in making life with D a bit easier.

Hang in there buddies. Together we're strong. Don't let diabetes defeat you. We can get a hold of this! I'm proud of you all, for coping with this freaking condition day after day. I'm proud of how you guys handle life and move on. Keep supporting each other, keep your hopes up, for one day Diabetes will be history. Love you guys. And gals. Of course.

I'm not a new kid on the block

Isn't it funny, that so many non-diabetics let us diabetics know how to treat our disease? They send us emails concerning healthy diets, they point out natural cures like cinnamon (no, it does not replace insulin, sorry) or some organic coffee to lower your bloodsugar. Sometimes I feel like a real idiot for not knowing about these simple cures.. Where was I all that time?

I read this letter today, written by someone with D. It says exactly how I feel when it comes to "helping" someone with diabetes. It could be interesting to read. After all, don't we all know people with this condition? Excuse us for the inside jokes among diabetics. We are allowed to make those jokes. My friends know why we look out for knee high shorts on sales. Those are personal insider jokes, not jokes non-diabetics may make..

Diabetes Etiquette for people who DON’T have diabetes

• DON’T offer unsolicited advice about my eating or other aspects of diabetes: You may mean well, but giving advice about someone’s personal habits, especially when not requested, is not very nice. Besides, many of the popularly held beliefs about diabetes (You should just stop eating sugar) are out of date or just plain wrong.

• DO realize and appreciate that diabetes is hard work: Diabetes management is a full time job that I didn’t apply for, didn’t want, and can’t quit.

• DON’T tell me horror stories about your grandmother or other people with diabetes you have heard about: These stories are not reassuring.

• DO offer to join me in making healthy lifestyle choices: Not being alone is one of the most helpful things for me.

• DON’T look horrified when I check my blood sugars or give myself an injection: It’s not a lot of fun for me either. Checking sugars and taking medications are things I have to do to be healthy. If I have to hide while doing so, it makes it much harder for me.

• DO ask how you might be helpful: If you want to be supportive there may be lots of little things I would probably appreciate your help with. However, what I really need may be very different from what you think I need, so please ask first.

• DON’T offer thoughtless reassurances. When you first learn about my diabetes you may want to reassure me by saying things like “Hey, it could be worse; you could have cancer!” this won’t make me feel better. And the implicit message seems to be that diabetes is no big deal. However, diabetes (like cancer) IS a big deal.

• DO be supportive of my efforts for self-care: Help me set up an environment for success. Please honor my decision to decline a food choice, even when you really want me to try it. You are most helpful when not being a source of unnecessary temptation.

• DON’T!!! Peek at or comment on my blood sugars without asking me first: These numbers are private unless I choose to share them. It’s normal to have numbers that are sometimes too low or high. Your unsolicited comments about them can add to the frustration, disappointment, and anger I already feel.

• DO offer your love and encouragement: As I work hard to manage my diabetes, sometimes just knowing you care can be very helpful and motivating.

Is it that strange?

I'm scrolling through pictures people have posted on FaceBook. Pictures of their homes, their family, their vacation in some far off place. That's how it goes nowadays. People let you look into their lives, even if you have never met them in real life. You get to know them by their snapshots. Is it surprising to you, that they only upload the pictures that make them look their best? If you're lucky, nobody else will post pictures of you in your right-out-of-bed-look. Only the best shots will make the FaceBook album: dressed to the nines, happy smile, beautiful outfits and straight from the hair salon: picture perfect families. Because we all want to look our best, right? Right?

It's like getting your school report. You tell whoever wants to know, what your grades are. That is, if those grades are good enough to share. If they are not that good to show off, you won't mention them, would you? It's not like you would step up to people and say: hey, wanna know about the bad score I got on my mathematics test? You keep the scores to yourself and you hope nobody will ask about them.

You can tell people about your bad day at work. How crappy it was and how you hope it will end soon. Will you also tell them, that bad day was caused because you went to bed late after an argue with your husband? Is it to their concern that you didn't sleep all night and you want your colleagues to take the blame for your bad day? No, FaceBook will only state: terrible day at work.. and your followers will get back to you saying how sorry they feel for you and that they hope you will have a better day tomorrow. Because we don't want to share what went wrong..

Trying to show the best of us, is what we were brought up with. It was important to our parents, to show how successful you were. It probably makes parents feel better about themselves, if their children do well in school, at work, in their social life. They'd rather not have others know that their son drinks because he can't cope with the high standard life has brought him. They don't want people to find out their youngest got kicked out of school for the second time, so they say he switched school because it had more opportunities. Because we all want to look our best. It is important to us that people have a good impression about who we are.

I'm always happy to share good blood work when it comes to diabetes. I like my numbers to behave and I have no problem typing them down for others to see. Every now and then I even share images of good graphs and "perfect" situations. Because it takes hard work to get those numbers and you put a lot of effort in it. Doctors ask you to do your best and make sure that HbA1c is below 7%. Because you don't want to get nasty complications, do you? They state the importance of having your numbers within range (and the margins become tighter over the years). Not one doctor prepares you for numbers that are way out of line. They don't tell you it is more likely to have off numbers than readings that make you feel good. So you want to live up to their standard. You want your D to be in control. Because you want to look your best. Diabetes isn't easy. It's not always the way you want it to be. It is hard to admit. It doesn't make you a terrible person if you let others know your numbers were way out of range. Then why is it so hard? Why don't we let others see our dark side? I dare you all, to post your worst self pic ever. I challenge you to write on your FB status: "Did lousy at work today. I made my colleagues look bad and I screwed up on a very important job." Don't be afraid about the comments you'll get. I won't fear the comments after having posted a crappy D-day, due to miscalculating carbs for that wonderful cheesecake, high readings, pump sites that stayed in way too long.
I dare you. 

Like tearing off a band aid very slowly

Growing up is about getting chances in life. It's a continuous system of learning and experiencing. Turning 16 makes you long for that 18th birthday. In the mean time, you hang out in school, have good times with friends and there are no worries. The other sex looks more appealing than ever and you start dating. The feeling of being in love is just magical. We all wanted that first real love to be everlasting. Longing to be with your crush becomes priority number one. You write each other little scribbles and his text messages make your cheeks blush. It is exciting to have a boyfriend to love. It feels great to love back..

You loved having your buddy in highschool. Do you remember how the two of you met on the bus? I sure remember the day you asked me if you could spend some time with him. You were in love. I could tell from the look in your eyes. We were happy to invite him over to our house and welcome him into our family not too long after the first encounter. He looked very lovable: curly blond hair, a bright smile that showed off perfect teeth. He played in a band. Blues is what made his heart tick. He was crazy about you. Having dinner together, we learned more about what kept him busy and you sure kept him busy. It warmed our hearts to see the two of you together. I still play his first CD in my car, singing along out loud. He could come over as often as he wanted and you liked spending time at his place too.

Our whippets were not used to having other men in our household and they barked at him the first couple of times he came over. He wasn't crazy about pets since they didn't have any in his household. But he learned to appreciate them and his siblings were thrilled once they got their own puppy. 

We knew difficult times were going to come up once he would leave for University. Things would no longer be the same and the obvious daily meet ups would no longer be there. You would have to figure out different ways to keep seeing each other. That ain't easy, I can tell you. Being a student in college or uni is different from being a highschool kid. He had his own student's room in Ghent and you could visit him there. His rhythm of life was a bit different from yours: he's a true night owl, playing games all night with people all over the world. I liked having him around the dining table, listening to his stories and getting involved in his discussions over life. He got to meet your grandparents, aunts and uncles and he survived! 

You spent a wonderful time with your friend Axelle in Italy. He hitchhiked to Portugal with his friends and that sounded so like him, the adventurous guy. I'm sure he had a ball too.

From now on, you have your own student's room. Not in Ghent, like you planned, but in Bruges. A train ride Bruges-Ghent is not too far off and the picture of the two of you got a special place on your new desk.

Both of you will have good memories of the 2.5 years you spent together. You helped each other grow in life and you learned to love. It was good to have someone around who knew all about you. Things will be a bit different now. You will meet new people and you will have fine conversations with other friends. He will continue to play blues on his mouth organ and he will continue his discussions about life with teachers and friends. We will miss him. You will miss him. He will miss you too... 

And she can

I have this friend, who happened to be my French teacher in highschool and my French teacher later on in my thirties. She knows me better than I do. In only 10 min time, she could tell what was bothering me and what made my heart tick. Some 10 years ago, she told me I should be my own boss. She couldn't understand why I wanted to work as an employee, rather than work just for me. I told her I didn't know how to. I had no idea what I could do to be self sufficient. I did know I don't like to work regular 9-5 hours. I like flexibility and my own rules and I don't like the stress of having to drive 100 kms to work every day. She told me that one day, I would remember her words and I would make myself happy becoming an entrepreneur.

I believe that day has come. We have visited an accountant and supplies have been purchased to organize my office in the house. I like my space upstairs and I like to spend time there, working out my agenda and scheduling appointments. There's still my other job, working as a personal assistant, but from now on, I can do what I like to do as a hobby, for a living. Isn't that awesome?

I'm pretty proud of myself, you know. It'll take some organization, but if I manage, it will be a great way to bring in some extra money and still spend quite some time at home. It will give me the opportunity to meet with friends and work at the same time. I no longer need to cook all by myself, since friends are calling to book a cooking session. And above all: I will have new Tupperware containers and tools to work with. It's always a joy to be able to use wonderful items in your kitchen. I'm having a blast trying out new recipes and sharing them with potential customers.

Ready for your first Culinary Tupperware Party at your place? Give me a call or send me an email. I'm looking forward to sitting around your kitchen table, discussing the recipes and completing your guest list. Hosting a party means I can give you free Tupperware, a great time with your friends and a free cooking session included. Sounds appealing huh? 

Who's the best doctor?

Assume you have been seeing the same old diabetes doctor since you were just a young teen. For a very long time, let's say around 30 years, this same doctor has been your hero, the man who has helped you through many ordeals. He has calmed you down when you were completely lost. He understood the high numbers followed by those creepy lows when you had gone out with your
friends. He reprimanded you for not using your glucometer for 2 weeks, because you were fed up with D. He reassured your parents you were going to be okay, when once again, you were in the hospital with DKA. Your parents invited him to your wedding and he congratulated you with your first child. He helped you figure out the lows and the highs and he checked the blue marks on your thigh as a result of the daily nighttime shot. He reminded you to take your vitamin D and to change your needles as often as possible. And then, he announced he was going to leave the hospital. He wanted other, younger doctors to take over. Your world fell apart. How would you cope without him? Not one other doctor knew all about your lows and highs. This man knew you better than your own parents did? Deep down, you knew this day would come. You weren't ready for it. It wasn't easy for him either...

Then this other doctor showed up. He was experienced too. He had a calm voice and a firm hand but he was not your doctor.. You built a shield around you and you were not prepared to let him in. He talked about some device you had never heard of. He tried to persuade you to alter the settings on your insulin pump. Was he out of his mind??? If your settings weren't okay, wouldn't your own doctor have said so? What do you mean, 180 mg/dl is not the best average blood glucose?

You were heartbroken. You wanted to talk to your own doctor and make him come back. He deserved his retirement, absolutely. But why now? Why someone else that you didn't know?

Things are different now. You have to rely on a different method. A doctor with an opinion of its own. Why does he keep saying it is so important to count carbs? Why does he want you to change what has become your way of life? It's not fair. It's still the same disease, then why change it all?

You texted me to ask about the carb content of this and that. We sat down together, to discuss this new device, called Dexcom G4. You were impressed, to your surprise. Maybe it was time to let go. Just like a mom, who is setting her child free to flap her wings, it was time to let go of the old days and the old ways. You were ready for a new milestone. I heard you followed my advice and you got yourself a new insulin pump, bluetooth included. I'm proud of you. Carb counting can be tricky, but seeing what those carbs do to a body infected by diabetes, is beyond interesting. I have this feeling, that you are beginning to like this new doctor. Maybe he's not the enemy. Maybe he's your next challenge in life. You can do this. You're on your way.

A bit shook up

As soon as I entered the room, you said: "You have no idea what I've been through... I'm so sore! My whole body hurts. It's horrible!"

I kissed you on your cheeks, careful not to hurt you. Your right eye was black and blue and purple underneath. I guess that's what a fractured eye socket looks like? We were happy to see your eye was still doing its job. It followed every move we made and there was no blood in your eye. I could see from the look on your face that you were truly hurting. Your left shoulder was packed in a special sling, for it is severely broken. You couldn't lift your other arm either, since some tendons were ripped off on that side. Meaning you cannot eat, drink or blow your nose by yourself.

I lifted the sheets and saw your right leg in a cast. He told me your knee was broken and there were some fractures in your shin as well. You told me how you had been standing on your bed, trying to catch a fly, when your foot got stuck in between your bed and the mattress. You fell down, face first, and ended up between the wall and your bed. Your foot was still stuck. I'm so happy you were not home alone. Your husband ran up the stairs as soon as he heard the thump. He tried to roll you over and pull you up, but it was so painful he had to let go. I know you don't like ambulances and hospitals, but there was no other way. An ambulance had to be called and I cannot imagine the pain you must have felt when they carried you down the stairs. Luckily the clinic is like only a 10 min drive, but to you it must have felt like horrible hours.

I took a look at your other leg. That big toe was black and blue and swollen as well. Maybe we should have the doctor take a look at that foot too?
They won't operate until Monday afternoon. I asked them to schedule you early in the morning, for you are a diabetic. They said it wasn't possible, since they were fully booked. But it was no problem, according to the nurse, because you would get a bag of glucose and another one filled with insulin. They would counter each other. I'm not very convinced, since what happened around lunch time. One of the nurses gave you your mealtime bolus of insulin. A little bit later, the kitchen staff came in with your lunch. They put it on the table and left you to it. Why was it to nobody's concern, to make sure you got help? Someone should have fed you, for you cannot lift your arms and bring the food to your mouth? Washing you this morning, the nurse didn't put your hearing aid back into your ear, leaving you behind helpless and deaf. That's why you didn't understand the kitchen staff clearing your lunch. They must have asked why you didn't finish your meal.. you didn't hear the question..
I did have a little conference with the head nurse, making clear that you cannot hear anything without your hearing aid. I also stated out the importance of having your carbs after an insulin shot. She looked a bit shocked but she understood and noted on the chart: needs help feeding and DEAF without hearing aid. Let's hope that will keep them alert. I'm aware of the fact that it is weekend and there's not enough staff present, but to be honest: my auntie was truly hurting and she deserved some respect and sympathy. I guess the nurses got the message, since they were really friendly afterwards. We gave you a fresh night gown to replace the bloodstained one. I rubbed your skin with a brandnew body lotion and refreshed you with a hint of perfume. People never feel well in hospitals and any kind of pampering can help in making you feel better. Then why not do that?

I felt for my uncle.. He looked beaten and lost. He will need someone to take care of him too. They are never apart from each other. Some hard weeks are coming up. I'll visit you as often as I can. That's the least I can do. For you have always been very supportive of me, no matter what trouble I got myself in to.

Get better now, okay? I'll light some candles for you..

For the very first time

We had no idea, you had been longing to go on a holiday with a friend for such a long time. You have been working hard in school and you didn't skip any classes. Being a responsible daughter and completing chores without us asking, is a great bonus. So it was pretty obvious we decided to give it a shot and let you book your first vacation without your parents. Despite the fact that Egypt was canceled, we did manage to book another destination. You just texted us that you had landed in Italy. A Jetair hostess would be waiting for you and your friend, to bring you to the hotel. It will be late by the time you get there and you won't have the chance to take a good look around, but I can assure you: it will be wonderful!

Your dad, your sister and I took you and Axelle to the airport. It was as exciting for us as it were for the two of you. We scented that same holiday feeling, although we had to leave you behind and head back to the parking lot to go home. I'm sorry to say so, but I am relieved you're not going to Egypt. I'm sure you understand. It's just not that safe for two young and beautiful ladies. I'm more at ease knowing that you're in Italy now. Too bad Ilaria can't come visit you. Bari is at least 400 km off...

I can only say: enjoy, enjoy, enjoy..

Overwhelming feelings

Photo Eva Joos

You had mixed feelings about this new schoolyear getting started. Finally you would have the chance to see more of your friends. Some of them had a job during the holidays (so did you, YAY), so you couldn't see each other that often. Overall, we can say your 2 months vacation were packed with fun activities. The weather was nice, your friends were welcome in our house, you had your boyfriend to hang out with. There were parties to attend and movies to be seen. Life has gone back to normal now, meaning you can no longer sleep in until noon. This year, you no longer have to share the bathroom with your sister, for she's a college student now and her school doesn't start until September 18. I'm sure it's your time now to enjoy that time alone in the morning.

We were anxious to hear about your first day in school. You were a bit sad your friends are no longer in the same class and having lunch together won't happen because your schedule is different from theirs. You keep track of each other using your smartphones, but that is just not the same. I understand your sadness sweet pea.

Maybe we should take a look at your class picture and see if there's someone left in your class to hang out with. You like the 6th graders too, but I hear they can leave school for lunch (and you can't since you're in 5th grade). We'll talk about. All we want for you, is to be happy and have a good time in school. We're proud of who you are.

It's going to be a breeze

That's what I thought when I got diagnosed June 12 2002. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it. Period.
NOT! I definitely had to sober up when I realized my efforts didn't always kick in the way I wanted them to. My idea of injecting the amount of insulin prescribed by the doctor, was that I would always have great numbers. What a disappointment it was when that didn't happen. There were lows and way too many highs and it was very difficult to figure out where they came from or what had caused them. I assume diabetics are the only people around to shoot up not to get high... Those highs are very damaging to our body. They affect our nerves and eyes, our kidneys and heart. It is very important to keep those highs to a minimum. I have had my share of high numbers (I'm talking HI as in over 600 mg/dl) in my first years after diagnosis. Back then, I didn't count carbs yet (I had not even heard of carbohydrates) and I didn't have an insulin pump. There wasn't much information for me yet and I felt alone in treating this stupid condition.

It's been 11 years. Things have changed. I have a network around me of people who share this same disease and we help each other whenever we can. We get advised and opinions are being shared. It's good to have peers within reach to talk things over. Making the transfer from injecting insulin to using an insulin pump, has been a major improvement in my diabetes treatment. The first years were hectic and more difficult, for back then I did not yet have the support I have nowadays. Learning how to count carbs was another big step in moving on and getting better HbA1c's. But still, 8.5% was the lowest number I could achieve. I wanted that number to be below 8% but I couldn't find the way.

For 3 years now, my numbers haven't been higher than 7.8%. I recently started using Dexcom G4 CGM and my latest A1c was 6.4%!! I'm so proud of where I am now! I'm convinced that number will even get lower. I'm not using that much insulin any more and my insulin resistance has gotten so much better.
The cost of this device is certainly more than worth it. It will help reduce the chance of complications in later life. Trust me, I don't want to die at 50 any more. I plan on living way longer now.

Last night was a hard one. Three lows in a row, that I solved with real coke and scoops of candy. My Dexie woke me up every single time. I would have slept through those lows if it weren't for my special helper. It's another milestone in my diabetes career. And yes, I'm very excited about that... 

Prepping yourself

It's been on the news, you can read it in the papers. The new school year is going to be there soon. Kids are getting ready to meet their new class group and teachers. Exciting, scary at times and sometimes with some degree of anxiety, our daughters are preparing themselves. Books are being delivered, school supplies have been bought and labeled. There are books to be covered and pencil cases to be checked. Maybe backpacks need some dusting off as well. I feel their excitement (okay, my excitement is a bit higher than theirs at the moment)! I want to cover those books, I want to pack that backpack and go. I loved school! I'm sure there have been times I didn't like school so much, but overall, I didn't mind going. September 1st will always have some magic to it. There will be stories to tell once that first school day has come to an end. There will be grumpy faces and I'm sure not all teachers will be popular, but deep down, I just know our girls like to go to school. It's just not done to tell your friends that you don't mind going back.

In the meantime, I'm cutting wrapping paper and printing labels to cover those books. Can you believe I want to sharpen crayons and sort them out by color? It's like being a student again..