I was wondering...

why it had been so long since I last blogged. Have things been too hectic around here? Was I running out of inspiration? Maybe other priorities? I really don't know. It just didn't happen for a while. I had the intention to blog every now and then, but I never really got to it.

Today is the day I need to blog. Because I'm sad. Because I want to scream and shout. Because life is a bitch. I feel devastated and hurt and my heart is bleeding. Scrolling back through my blog, I saw that one of my last blogs was about how we are just promised today, not tomorrow. I can't believe this actually has happened. You had not yet come to terms with your papie's passing. You missed him so much and your heart didn't find the right way to heal. You missed your rock, your inspiration, your guideline and your mentor. He meant the world to you..

Did you ever realize how much you meant to that same world? Did you ever hear your family and friends say how much they appreciated you? You were so special, so unique, so unselfish. Whatever you did, you did in the best interest of others. I never heard you talk bad about anyone. You were always a very good listener and your heart was big enough to hold a great bunch of friends.

I liked to stop by, whenever I went to Bruges. Your cute little dog Troy was your pride, although you still missed Chablis, your previous dog. Troy is waiting for you to come home, sitting by the screen door, not understanding why the house is filled with crying people holding on to each other. I picked him up and tried to comfort him. We tried to comfort each other. Your daughter, your son, your husband and your friends.. we were all there to try to understand the reason for your being taken away. I do understand there is a reason for everything but I really can't see any reason for this loss. You were born 6 months before me. Too young to go explore the other world. Why? Just why???  You were needed here... you had been doing so well lately, trying to get control of your diabetes.
Do you remember our first date, at your parents' house? There was this instant click. It's been just a little over a year since we first met, but it seemed like we had known each other for much longer. Sometimes there is this connection one cannot explain. Even if we hadn't seen each other for some time, we just picked up where our last conversation ended.

You called me, late that Tuesday night. Our eldest daughter had been in an accident and you wanted to know if she was okay. We chitchatted a bit and we were making an appointment for a gathering with D-friends. I was having a low during our conversation so you told me to get some coke and promised me we would continue our conversation the next day. I will never forget that horrific Wednesday, October 22.. I wanted to hold you and tell you everything was going to be okay. I wanted to make sure the hospital staff did not remove your Dexcom so they would know if you went low. Being in a coma would not give you the opportunity to tell anyone if your bloodsugar was dropping. That worried me. What if you realized you were low but you couldn't speak? It is so terrifying..

I guess we will never really know what made your heart stop so sudden, so out of the blue. There was no prehistory of heart issues. Your diabetes was under control and you were not sick. We have been told you didn't suffer at all, if that can be of any comfort to anyone. I just wished we could turn back time..

It's been too long

There were so many occasions to blog about. So many opportunities to share and yet, I couldn't find the motivation to write things down and memorize the important things in life. Weeks go by and there are still not enough hours in a day to sit down and relax. We just came back from Florida, the same day MH17 got shot down in Ukrain.. It makes you reflect over life and you come to the realization life can be over in seconds. So many families that have lost loved ones. Children who have lost their parents, parents without their children, grandparents who have lost both children and grandchildren. We are thankful for having returned home safely and most important: as a complete family.

Florida was like coming home again. It felt so good, so natural. We didn't come in through Sanford Airport this time. We decided to pay Miami a visit before driving that Jeep Grand Cherokee Limited Edition all the way to Kissimmee. It was amazing. So different but yet so familiar. How I have missed those trees, the highways, the weather, the people. This vacation was more active than our previous ones. We swam with manatees, went kayaking in Wekiwa Springs, did some shopping, visited numerous restaurants, had the best sushi, shopped some more, enjoyed different beaches and springs (we had never before seen water that clear and pure as in Juniper and Wekiwa Springs), celebrated July 4th near the Lakefront Park in Kissimmee, screamed our lungs out on a local rodeo event, visited Saint Augustine (man, my calves hurt for 3 days after climbing that lighthouse - I really need to work on getting in shape) and had the honor to spend a day at the Children With Diabetes congress in Orlando. I had been invited by Scott Johnson, a T1 colleague who lives in Minnesota and has been a wonderful diabetes advocate for many years. We met so many wonderful people on the congress and I felt blessed for this event, that has been created to make life of children with T1 diabetes a little bit easier. 

It was wonderful. We had been looking forward to Florida all year and it was no disappointment. I really hope to go back next year.. 

The girls did well in school and as usual: we are very proud of them. It's a privilege to see them grow up and do well. They are amazing and a true blessing. They are growing up alright. Lana has bought her first car (thank you Mammie, for giving her this opportunity) and she's been loving it ever since. It gives her independence and I can relate to her joy. It is such a big step into adulthood to have a car of your own and to be able to drive yourself to wherever you want to be. I still get that same overwhelming feeling whenever I get another car. By the way: the next car is a fact: right before we left for Florida, my new car found its way to our home. I didn't want to give up on 4x4, so this time we got a Honda CR-V. It's been a joy driving it so far.

Eva started working weekends in a restaurant. It gives us something new to talk about. I'm proud of her. Working in restaurants is hard and working late hours isn't easy if you need a lot of sleep. But she's holding on and she'll be combining it with her job at the nursing home during the summer holidays. It gives her some extra money to spend and it makes her realize life is hard and you need to work for a living. She gets responsibility and praise for what she's doing and that is so important at the age of 17. It is important at any age.

There's so much more to tell and I will get to it eventually. For now, let things be and get some rest. I need to go to bed and get up early in the morning. 

We just have today, we are not promised tomorrow

I first met the two of you last August. I had no idea who to expect and I was surprised by the friendliness you and your father welcomed me into his home with. Immediately I was impressed by the bond between you both. He was your inspiration, your rock, your adviser and caretaker. You could talk on the same level, like adults are supposed to do, even in a father - daughter relationship. I admired you for that. You cared deeply for him and I could tell by the sparkle in his eyes, how much he loved you. Right there and then, I realized how deeply a father can love his daughter and wish nothing but the best for you. I could read from the look on his face, how proud he was of you.

You told me he was very ill. He had had surgery and times had been rough. But he was doing better and both him and your mom spent several vacations abroad to enjoy each others company. You would take care of his dog in the meantime and keep an eye on their property. That's the kind of person you are: caring, loving, generous and loyal. The apple didn't fall far from the tree, I suppose.

Today I came to see you, completely out of the blue. We normally meet and talk about diabetes, since we share the same condition. There were no intentions for a meeting whatsoever, but your parents had brought me a tortilla pan from Spain. A pan I had been wanting for quite some time. You are so good at arranging things and surprising other people. We talked about your father and that he needed a check-up at the hospital, for he wasn't feeling too well. You always spoke of him in a soft voice and with love and compassion. He was your friend...

We said our goodbyes around 4:00 PM and I returned on my steps and said to you: don't worry about your dad, he'll be just fine. And you said: of course he will, he has to. I didn't expect your phone call later this evening. I'm so sorry for your loss, my friend. This must be so hard on you. Your father is at peace now. He has left a true legacy, a loving family and an amazing impression on so many people. Take care now. I'll talk to you soon xx

Looking good there!

It had been a while - you said 2 months at the least - since we last got together. Things have been quite hectic around here. I can see you during the day and you prefer evening get aways. So it's not always easy to schedule a date, but today we finally met up again.

Foto Cathy Van de Moortele

You looked fab! You dyed your hair and it was a bit shorter than last time I saw you. I felt like caressing your growing belly, but I wasn't too sure you would appreciate that. It was almost emotional to see you pregnant, since I missed your previous pregnancy. I was so anxious to hear the sex of your baby. You didn't want to tell me over the phone, so I had to be patient, but it was worth the wait. I'm so happy for you. That baby will be loved and cuddled and spoiled rotten. Not only by you and your family, but by your beautiful and intelligent son as well.

We sat down for a picnic that I had made for us. We babbled and laughed and ate in between the story telling. It was nice to sit out there, just the two of us - and that little cutie in your belly of course - discussing life and motherhood. You're a great mom. I hear your insecurity and your worries, but there's no need to. Children do real well if loved and you have plenty of love to give.

So looking forward to the end of August. This time, I'll be there to support you and stand by your side xx

I can fight my own fight

We have lunches together. We like to hang out and chitchat. Most meetings are diabetes related. That's what happens when you have lunch with peers. Probably very boring if you're not interested in diabetes, but hey: we can all relate! It's not that we have nothing else to talk about, but diabetes is always one of the subjects. Not one person with diabetes has the exact same treatment as yours so it's always interesting to hear other people about their experiences. Although we always make fun of our friend Jan - we keep saying he doesn't really have T1 diabetes, since his numbers are just so steady - we wouldn't want to skip a meeting with him. He's witty and smart and he's so good at keeping his blood glucose steady, that he numbs us with the result. There's no way we will ever get where he has always been, but that's okay. We all do the best we can with the tools we have access to.

Same for our friend Katrien. She has had diabetes for a much longer time. She was just a teen when she got diagnosed. Back in those days, treating T1 diabetes was really hard. The tools were different and so was the approach. Things have evolved since. Katrien said goodbye to her insulin pens and instead, she starting using an insulin pump. Just before that switch, she got herself the best device possible to treat her condition. She and her loving husband got hold of the Dexcom G4, the Continuous Glucose Monitoring system, that tells us our BG at all times, day and night, day in day out. It warns us for upcoming highs and lows. I met Katrien before she got the Dexcom. Her life and that of her husband, was completely different. She would suffer from severe diabetic comas and epileptic seizures. At least once a month, she would loose consciousness due to a severe low. None of that has happened since she started using CGM. What a relief, what a difference. Her life has changed for the better. She has finally got the chance to alter her treatment and it feels good to see her get better.

We can fight our own fight, no doubt about that. After all, we have to fight our fight every day of the
year, year after year. It is a chronic disease, remember? We know what our body can handle and most of the time, we know why we went out of line. But still, it is good to sit down with peers every now and then, to tell our story and hear the other. I'm grateful for these meetings. Love you guys...

No small talk

Seeing your child suffer, is one of the hardest things moms have to face. You only want the best for your children and you want to see them happy. Teary faces and broken hearts are part of life. You want to protect them from getting hurt, but you can't. Life isn't always one happy story. There are ups and downs and some days are better than others. Relationships can make you grow in life and we need them to learn about ourselves. It is good to love and be loved. Love is wonderful and it is painful at the same time. Knowing the other is always within reach, can be very comforting but frightening as well. Getting too involved can make you feel desperate once the other party is no longer there. It is hard to stay positive and strong when there's so much sadness and grief. I can tell you about my experience as a teenager in love. I'm sure most people can tell you similar stories. But it's not your story, it's not your grief, it's not your loss. Please talk to me. Open your heart and let those tears roll down your cheeks. You didn't give up - you are strong enough to let go. You had this idea of growing old with this love of yours. You can't call it failure. You have loved and you have been loved back in return. It was beautiful and you learned so much. Let your heart heal and try to remember the good times with a smile on your face. He'll be fine. You'll be fine. He will move on and so will you. I'm proud of your mature way of dealing with difficult situations nowadays. I'm proud to be your mom. I love you. 

Bonding

The Student Exchange Program is an excellent tool for students to see the world. Having a host family abroad, is a fine way to experience other cultures and family life in a country different from yours. Last year, we had been given the opportunity to welcome the Italian Ilaria Landriscina into our home. She was not only our guest for 3 months, she became a family member. We are still in touch, just the way I still contact my American host family every now and then. Those are everlasting memories.

Last week, two German students came to stay with us. We were thrilled to have them over and make them feel at home. Mirjam Gröger and Hien Nguyen Totla were a pleasure to have around. They were like a sister to Eva and our dogs were more than happy with the extra cuddles. We didn't get to speak much German and there was no time to teach our guests some Dutch words. Communication went well though and we had a good time together, filled with joy and warm friendship. These two girls had never met before, but seeing how fast they got along, was moving.
Too bad their stay was so short. We should've had more time to get to know each other. I wanted to hear more about their lives in Germany, their family, their interests and activities. Lana offered them their room, while she was in Bruges. We were glad they got to meet each other right before they had to return to Germany.

It was nice having you over girls. Maybe we'll meet again, one day.

Unconditional love

At the age of 21, my friends were discussing their wish to get married and their hunger for children. I could not relate to their dreams, since they were so different from mine. I wanted to find a place to live on my own. I wanted to travel and see the world. The desire to be independent and free, was greater than the search to settle with someone else. I had had my number of relationships and there were plenty of families with children that asked me to babysit. But under no circumstances had I foreseen a family of my own.. 

Not planned at all and as a total surprise, I gave birth to two beautiful baby girls. Just two years apart but so different, they are the best thing that ever happened to me. Being given the chance to mother these two girls, has made me a better person. They make me look at myself and question my life, so I can give them the education and love they deserve. It brings me so much joy to hear their stories and witness their growth in life.  It takes effort and tears, laughter and happiness and it's a hard job. But being a mom is the only job worth doing for the rest of your life. You can never quit being a mom. These beautiful daughters are my life, my future, my hope and my comfort. They make me breathe and laugh. A film of their progress in life is running through my mind today. I can see them as babies, toddlers, preschoolers and I see their life change going to high school and turning into young teens. They are almost the same age I once was and I wonder if they will ever have a family of their own. 

Thank you for giving me the chance to be your mommy. It's the best gift I could've wished for.. 

I have something up my sleeve

Having the Pisces sign, we knew you were going to be a creative mind. You have a good eye for art, music, fashion, photography, design. Sometimes you come up with real clever ideas. Things we would not have thought of. It is fun to watch your creativity grow and see you explore new dimensions. It's been some time now, since you started using those special markers. I had never even heard of them, but you know your ways around on the Net. I'm still astound by the wonderful drawings you make. The talent I lack in life, is patience. I can tell you: you have patience. I observe you making a piece of art in your sketch book, drawing fine lines and little patterns in a flowing way. You are gifted sweetheart. I am so proud of your latest project, you made for school. The school made it into a poster, to be hung all over school, so people would know about the project your class is involved in. You did real well. The fonts you chose, the colors you picked. Your artwork is neat and clean and unique. I like your style. No computer program involved, just your own creative ways..
Looking forward to seeing more of your talent. 

What makes you beautiful

Being a teenager can be challenging. Things are being expected. There's school, friends, home, maybe a job on the weekend, a boyfriend, chores, sports, .. sometimes there's so much going on, there's hardly any time for you. Time to relax, enjoy life, hang out on the couch and just be. Finding the right balance is a hard job.

I'm proud of you. You are very conscious of what's going on around you. Your antlers are always buzzing, picking up emotions and situations. You have a heart for others and you are sensitive for the people you love.
You lack energy and you need a lot of sleep. After all, being a teen asks a lot from you. I'm so happy to see you have a nutritious breakfast before you go to school: oatmeal, fruit, green tea. It is a good way to regain your energy. You take good care of yourself.

Today, your sister decided to make breakfast for you. It is your birthday! We dressed the table and lit some candles, to welcome you downstairs. You were surprised and excited about the gifts. It's good to see you smile. You have a wonderful night planned with your boyfriend. He will spend the night with us and we'll have tapas together. Maybe a movie later on that night.

A bright future is awaiting you. Maybe this Spring, you will pick up running again. Or maybe swimming? It would do you good. It would provide your body with oxygen and energy. You're growing, kiddo. You're no longer that cute little baby you once were. Just look at you... need I say more?

Love,

your mommy xx <3

On solid ground

Being in love for the very first time, is just the best feeling ever. You can feel your cheeks blush every time you think about him. You can't focus in school and it's like you are walking on roses. Your arms are too long and you're striding and skipping with a broad smile on your pretty face. People say you gloom and they see lights twinkling in your eyes. That's what love does to one.. It's a feeling you want to hold on to forever and "forever" is a word you use in most of your sentences now.

You get older. You have met different people and you start dreaming about a future. Maybe you want to meet more people and discover the world and enjoy your youth, before you commit to someone. You fall in and out of love and you just like to hang out with friends and have a date every night and then. Cuddles are welcome and you like the feeling of being loved. It's been a while since you've been truly in love.

You meet this one guy and you know this is the person you want to grow old with. It may sound boring and very predictable, but it feels right to you. You no longer doubt if the love is mutual, because you can tell this guy is not only madly in love with you, you feel the same about him. He supports you in whatever you do and you are interested in his dreams. Both of you look forward to the other half to come home from work. There is candle light and romance, there are serious conversations and no harsh words during discussions. There are comforting arms to hold you whenever you feel sad and there's a thumb pointing upwards to cheer the victories in life. He brings you flowers when you least expect it and he opens the door to the restaurant for you. You bring him goodies while he watches the sports channel on TV and you enjoy his enthusiasm even though soccer doesn't interest you at all. There's so much looking forward to going abroad on a vacation and you do nothing but relax and enjoy each other..

It's been some time since you first met. You think about the past and those first years together. Memorable moments cross your mind, some with tears, some with a smile and a wink. The butterflies are no longer present all the time. Things have changed. Love has presented itself in a different way. You understand each other better as time goes by. You share a past together and you're looking forward to a future. The children start living their own life and there are more moments to spend as a couple. It's like starting all over again. At times, you feel the butterflies have come back. It's a special feeling. It's a blessing.

Hands, touching hands

Hands, touching hands

Reaching out, touching me, touching you..

Humans are not made to live all by themselves. We need company to stay focused and nourish our inner selves. Being by yourself for too long, can make you sad and moody. You probably feel empty and blue and you long for someone to talk to. Someone to tell your stories to, to watch a movie with, to share a meal or to take for a walk.

This little girl is never alone. She has so many loving people surrounding her. She can't tell what she thinks or how she feels, but her wonderful smile when she hears your voice as soon as you open the door, is so comforting. She knows you're there. She knows she's not alone. It is reassuring that we know she always has someone around her. As soon as the garage door opens to let daddy's car in, I can see that little face light up! She just knows her daddy will come and hug her and tell her about his day at work. Mommy cannot leave the house without kissing her on the cheeks. She protests if the kiss is being forgotten. It is heartwarming to see little man hug and kiss his big sister whenever he comes home. He loves her so much and she loves him back, in her very own way.

I feel so honored to be part of this little girl's life. It is peaceful to have her in my lap and have her grab my finger before she closes her eyes for her afternoon nap. She's special. I can feel her love. Her heart is so big and she moves so many others. She's a true blessing..

Easy breezy

No one ever said it was going to be easy breezy. College is not a joke, it is hard work. You have never been used to studying really hard to get good grades.
Your brain is pretty good at soaking up

information like a sponge would do. It is a good thing that you are always in to learning new things. You dare to challenge yourself and your teachers, to go all the way to the bottom of the course. Your motto is: you can't learn what you don't understand. I envy you for thinking that way. Understanding what you learn, makes you think in a better way and helps you remember the contents of your classes. Nevertheless, going to College is still hard work. We haven't seen much of you lately. Studying for the upcoming exams is priority number one now. I try to pamper you with home cooked meals and treats and every now and then I take you out for lunch. Not too much distraction, because you don't want any of us keeping you from going through your books. I must say: I'm impressed. I know you want to be the best in what you do. So you go for it and you keep your nose in your books. Three exams have been completed so far. Six more to go. It will be tough but I'm sure you'll do well. You must be looking forward to those two weeks off by the end of January. Keep up the spirit girl! 

Do you remember the times?

I tried to go back in times and remember how I felt during school exams. Did I worry? Did I study? Was I distracted way too often or was I good at keeping my nose into my books? It seems like ages ago (don't even think of going there) ... Exams are stressful. They can keep you awake at night and they can haunt you. We're not the kind of parents that punish our children for not having the best results. Not having the best results is bad enough a punishment already.
When I go through the school books of my daughter, I'm startled at how difficult the contents is. Did we learn the same things? I can't remember.. it just looks more difficult now. There's is so much of me in my youngest daughter. The way she keeps her books and the neat handwriting. How she makes the effort to write properly and make summaries of the classes she attended. Drawing in between, having a snack, catch some extra sleep.. It's so recognizable. I know she'll get there. She doesn't have to stress. No accidents will happen if some grades are not what you expected them to be. Overall, you do really well in school. Screw math, don't worry about French. There's more to life. xx 

In that case you are totally hired

Broken oven door: fixed.
Vacuuming the house: done.
Removing cabinet door to the microwave to be fixed: check.
Ironing baskets full of laundry: perfect!
Making the house clutter free:  all righty!
Walking the dogs, day after day, cold or wet outside: sign me up.
Coming up with great ideas for Christmas presents: woohoo!
Going to work in between chores: always.

Thank you for doing all the things you do. It makes life easier x

Free your mind and the rest will follow

She's sound asleep, lying on her back on the couch. One arm just fell out of the chair and is dangling, her fingers almost reaching the floor. Both whippets are right beside her, like they are safekeeping her. I see two sets of dog eyes looking at me, but not losing contact with the person they are looking after. Her lips have opened up a bit and I can hear her breathe soundly. She looks relaxed, her hair surrounding her angelic face. It's tangled on one side and one of her cheeks looks rosy and warm. She hasn't been sleeping much lately. It's not her way to fall asleep on the couch. She passed that stage a long time ago. I wish we could go back in time and reassure her she's fine, just the way she is. I want to hug that little girl she once was. I want to hold her in my arms and cuddle her and stroke her hair. She's not that little girl anymore. She's a beautiful young lady. Somewhere deep inside, there is still that little girl, trying to grow up and find her way in life. She'll get there. I have faith. She's a delicate swan, trying to make her first flight. She will spread her wings. It may take some time and some help but she'll get there.. 

Like tearing off a band aid very slowly

Growing up is about getting chances in life. It's a continuous system of learning and experiencing. Turning 16 makes you long for that 18th birthday. In the mean time, you hang out in school, have good times with friends and there are no worries. The other sex looks more appealing than ever and you start dating. The feeling of being in love is just magical. We all wanted that first real love to be everlasting. Longing to be with your crush becomes priority number one. You write each other little scribbles and his text messages make your cheeks blush. It is exciting to have a boyfriend to love. It feels great to love back..

You loved having your buddy in highschool. Do you remember how the two of you met on the bus? I sure remember the day you asked me if you could spend some time with him. You were in love. I could tell from the look in your eyes. We were happy to invite him over to our house and welcome him into our family not too long after the first encounter. He looked very lovable: curly blond hair, a bright smile that showed off perfect teeth. He played in a band. Blues is what made his heart tick. He was crazy about you. Having dinner together, we learned more about what kept him busy and you sure kept him busy. It warmed our hearts to see the two of you together. I still play his first CD in my car, singing along out loud. He could come over as often as he wanted and you liked spending time at his place too.

Our whippets were not used to having other men in our household and they barked at him the first couple of times he came over. He wasn't crazy about pets since they didn't have any in his household. But he learned to appreciate them and his siblings were thrilled once they got their own puppy. 

We knew difficult times were going to come up once he would leave for University. Things would no longer be the same and the obvious daily meet ups would no longer be there. You would have to figure out different ways to keep seeing each other. That ain't easy, I can tell you. Being a student in college or uni is different from being a highschool kid. He had his own student's room in Ghent and you could visit him there. His rhythm of life was a bit different from yours: he's a true night owl, playing games all night with people all over the world. I liked having him around the dining table, listening to his stories and getting involved in his discussions over life. He got to meet your grandparents, aunts and uncles and he survived! 

You spent a wonderful time with your friend Axelle in Italy. He hitchhiked to Portugal with his friends and that sounded so like him, the adventurous guy. I'm sure he had a ball too.

From now on, you have your own student's room. Not in Ghent, like you planned, but in Bruges. A train ride Bruges-Ghent is not too far off and the picture of the two of you got a special place on your new desk.

Both of you will have good memories of the 2.5 years you spent together. You helped each other grow in life and you learned to love. It was good to have someone around who knew all about you. Things will be a bit different now. You will meet new people and you will have fine conversations with other friends. He will continue to play blues on his mouth organ and he will continue his discussions about life with teachers and friends. We will miss him. You will miss him. He will miss you too... 

Quality time

That's exactly what it was: grown up quality time. It was meant as a late birthday gift from my Hubby. Our first intention was to plan a city trip abroad, but we changed our mind and decided to spend some special time nearby. A friend of mine had passed on the link of Manoir Ogygia in Poperinge. It was exactly what we were looking for: quiet time, nature, fine dining, relaxation, wellness and each other of course. It was everything we had asked for and more. These are times to meet up again, away from all the hectic times and busy schedules. Time for each other, time for intimacy and bonding (oh please, I said BONDING, not bondage). It was good, not to say it was perfect.

It was good to stroke the crow's feet next to his eyes, for they tell me he's happy and in love. I saw the sparkle in his eyes and the good conversations made us happy. Watching him stretch his broad shoulders, telling me that he's content and proud and that warms my heart. I love him. He's very special to me. We should have more of these get aways. They are worth it...

Am I missing something here?

Last week, your mommy and I were discussing a future visit to the hospital. You needed some special attention and your parents were scheduling an appointment for the week to come. None of us realized that visit to the hospital would be sooner than planned...

We were relaxing upstairs, in the attic that has been designed especially for you. Watching a movie while you were fast asleep in my lap, your formula was dripping down the feeding tubes into your tummy, just the way it's supposed to do. You were not making any noises but the soft sucking sounds of your pacifier. Your finger was holding my index and I was stroking some strands of hair out of your pretty face. That's when I noticed the little stains of milk on my pants. It does happen sometimes, that one of the gates of your PEG is not tightly secured. Nothing wrong with the tubing though. Hmhm... I remembered last weeks conversation with your mommy and immediately I pulled up your shirt to check your PEG. I was not prepared to see what I saw: a big hole in your tummy. There was some blood around the edges. I decided to call your parents right away and bring you downstairs to take care of the wound. In the meantime, I had called your nana, for I didn't want to loose any time. I had no idea whether I had to disinfect the wound, stay away from it, cover it with sterile bandage. I decided to cover the hole with sterile bandage and tape and wait for your parents to come help out. Your nana was there in little less than 6 minutes. She was a bit stunned since this had not happened before. Apparently the little balloon in your tummy had worn out and deflated. That's why it had come out so easily. It was very important to insert a new PEG as soon as possible, for the hole starts to close real fast. That's when mommy and daddy jumped in. Running upstairs to get the spare PEG, the manual was being spread out on the table to find out how a PEG needs to be inserted correctly. None of us had ever done this. A phone call to the hospital, didn't bring any solution, so it was all up to your mommy. She didn't hesitate and inserted the tubing all the way down to your stomach where it's supposed to be. Time to inject 5 ml of water into the tubing to see if the water went in or not. Out of the blue, someone stopped by to drop off a bunch of pancakes. She happens to be a nurse and she happens to be THE nurse who gives you special injections when you are extremely sick. What a gift she decided to stop by today... She confirmed the PEG to be inserted correctly. What a relief...

A couple of phone calls later (hospitals are terrible on weekends), your parents could finally pick you up and have you checked out.

That were some scary moments Princess. I'm glad you're okay. I'm glad your mommy was cool enough to help you. 

A bit shook up

As soon as I entered the room, you said: "You have no idea what I've been through... I'm so sore! My whole body hurts. It's horrible!"

I kissed you on your cheeks, careful not to hurt you. Your right eye was black and blue and purple underneath. I guess that's what a fractured eye socket looks like? We were happy to see your eye was still doing its job. It followed every move we made and there was no blood in your eye. I could see from the look on your face that you were truly hurting. Your left shoulder was packed in a special sling, for it is severely broken. You couldn't lift your other arm either, since some tendons were ripped off on that side. Meaning you cannot eat, drink or blow your nose by yourself.

I lifted the sheets and saw your right leg in a cast. He told me your knee was broken and there were some fractures in your shin as well. You told me how you had been standing on your bed, trying to catch a fly, when your foot got stuck in between your bed and the mattress. You fell down, face first, and ended up between the wall and your bed. Your foot was still stuck. I'm so happy you were not home alone. Your husband ran up the stairs as soon as he heard the thump. He tried to roll you over and pull you up, but it was so painful he had to let go. I know you don't like ambulances and hospitals, but there was no other way. An ambulance had to be called and I cannot imagine the pain you must have felt when they carried you down the stairs. Luckily the clinic is like only a 10 min drive, but to you it must have felt like horrible hours.

I took a look at your other leg. That big toe was black and blue and swollen as well. Maybe we should have the doctor take a look at that foot too?
They won't operate until Monday afternoon. I asked them to schedule you early in the morning, for you are a diabetic. They said it wasn't possible, since they were fully booked. But it was no problem, according to the nurse, because you would get a bag of glucose and another one filled with insulin. They would counter each other. I'm not very convinced, since what happened around lunch time. One of the nurses gave you your mealtime bolus of insulin. A little bit later, the kitchen staff came in with your lunch. They put it on the table and left you to it. Why was it to nobody's concern, to make sure you got help? Someone should have fed you, for you cannot lift your arms and bring the food to your mouth? Washing you this morning, the nurse didn't put your hearing aid back into your ear, leaving you behind helpless and deaf. That's why you didn't understand the kitchen staff clearing your lunch. They must have asked why you didn't finish your meal.. you didn't hear the question..
I did have a little conference with the head nurse, making clear that you cannot hear anything without your hearing aid. I also stated out the importance of having your carbs after an insulin shot. She looked a bit shocked but she understood and noted on the chart: needs help feeding and DEAF without hearing aid. Let's hope that will keep them alert. I'm aware of the fact that it is weekend and there's not enough staff present, but to be honest: my auntie was truly hurting and she deserved some respect and sympathy. I guess the nurses got the message, since they were really friendly afterwards. We gave you a fresh night gown to replace the bloodstained one. I rubbed your skin with a brandnew body lotion and refreshed you with a hint of perfume. People never feel well in hospitals and any kind of pampering can help in making you feel better. Then why not do that?

I felt for my uncle.. He looked beaten and lost. He will need someone to take care of him too. They are never apart from each other. Some hard weeks are coming up. I'll visit you as often as I can. That's the least I can do. For you have always been very supportive of me, no matter what trouble I got myself in to.

Get better now, okay? I'll light some candles for you..