Sunday, May 10, 2009

You don't know anything 'bout me

Did you ever know me? Did you ever consider getting to know me? You always wanted me to lead the life you had planned for me. You decided about most everything: the friends I could or couldn't have (mostly couldn't), the schools I attended, the profession I was going to do, where I was going to live, how long I could go out on the weekend, what boyfriend I should date..

I still remember my very first own decision: I wanted to go to the US to work as an au pair. You said by no means that was going to happen. My father backed me up. He thought it would be good for me. But you never approved.
Nevertheless, I saved the € 1.000 it took and I went to Brussels several times, all by myself, to find out about the programme. You were not interested and you were angry and upset.

But for the first time in my life, I stood up for myself. I had wanted to do this since I was 17. And finally, 1 month before my 21st birthday, you drove me to the airport. You whined about the parking fee, and about the long lines at the gate. You told me I was going to be back in 2 weeks. The only thing I could think of was: how fast can I get out of here??? You drove me off, mom! Only you! You could never be happy for me. Whatever I did wasn't good enough for you. You couldn't stand me being happy.. And I still hold you responsible for that. It is still haunting me. You are still on top of me. With every decision I make, I think: what would she have thought about that? But you know what? Your judgement is no longer important. I have made my own life. I'm happy now. I have a great husband and two wonderful daughters, and although you decided to stay out of our lives, they have been the 12 best years ever!

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