Sunday, December 23, 2012

Ready or not

The soft sound of Enya was playing in the dimly lit room. Not one chair was empty. I heard people sob and every now and then I could hear someone blow their nose. The chairs were lined up in half a circle. Every chair had a white rose, tied to the back of the chair with white silk ribbons. In the middle of the circle, on a high table, there was a small white coffin. The matte sheen of the wood seemed serene, just like the people present. The coffin was open all the way. It had satin upholstery and on the satin pillow, decorated with white little roses, rested the head of a beautiful young girl. Her black shiny hair was combed to perfection. Her hairpin with the little black and white flower kept the strands of hair from covering up her eyes. Her eyelids were closed, showing her perfect thick and long lashes. Like delicate porcelain, her skin was pale and spotless. I recognized her favorite black dress, with the fine patent leather belt around the waist, the skirt wide and fluffy. Her legs hidden in black tights, just like she always wore them. Her little feet, kept warm in the shiny black patent leather slippers, that looked just like doll shoes. I didn't see her pacifier.. she cannot sleep without her pacifier, I mumbled. Nobody heard me. Maybe I didn't even say it out loud. I remember how tiny her hands were in mine, when she would sit in my lap for her afternoon nap. I would hold her hands together under the blanket, her head resting in my neck, her legs bent and the soles of her feet touching each other. I took another glance at the little Princess. She looked so fragile, so delicate and at the same time so peaceful..  But didn't she always look like this? She was like a beautiful doll.. 

I'm not ready for this. Not yet. It was nothing but a bad dream. I will see her on Thursday. She's okay. She has a chronic disease, I know. She won't grow old, I know. She gets seizures and pneumonia and she has troubles breathing and swallowing. I know. But she's still there. And I will take care of her whenever I get the chance to. Because there is so much left for her to teach me..

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