She's here!

It was on Christmas Eve, when our sister-in-law gave the inlaws a letter to read. We were all touched by the contents and some of us even had tears in their eyes. Although 9 grandchildren are a bunch, there's always room for one or two extra. It's been a while since the last baby was born (he's 7 by now) so all of us were happy for the newcomer. Right away people were speculating on the sex of the baby. We were excited and although September 1st was still far off, we knew months would go by fast and the baby would be more than welcome with all of those cousins to take care of it.

Baby's Mommy was doing real well, looking after herself and the three other children in her household. We had never expected baby's Daddy to become a father for the fourth time, but the glance in his eyes proved we were wrong. He's a man of little words, but he has a big heart and plenty of love to give. He's happy again and it shows.

I wanted to stroke The Tummy, but I remember how awful I found it when others touched my pregnant tummy, so I withheld myself. I tried to imagine what the baby would look like, but I found that very hard. There was nothing left but wait and be patient.

By the 15th of August, we knew the baby would not remain in Mommy's womb until September 1st. It was ready to be born and we were counting days and guessing the estimated birth. We must say: it was worth the wait. The final phone call arrived and we were so proud of our sister-in-law for making us all happy. Little Nora is gorgeous! See for yourself! 

Maintenant je sais

For over one year now, I have had the opportunity to come to your house and spend time with you. You have grown taller and our bond has become stronger. You know when I'm with you. Although you are not able to tell me, I feel that you enjoy my presence. The way you tuck your head into my neck when we cuddle up on the couch, gives me such a warm feeling. I can honestly say that you are a very special girl and you have your own ways to let people know that you care about them.

When I applied for this job, your parents told me about the epileptic seizures. That they may occur every now and then and that I shouldn't be afraid. That it's best not to hold you while having an episode, but to put you into your chair or to lay you down on your changing table. It is important that I talk to you and comfort you and let you know that you are having a seizure. You must hear that it will be over soon and that you'll feel better afterwards.

No more than week ago, I asked myself why you had not had seizures in my presence during that year. Did you want to protect me? Did you think I was not ready to witness one?
Last Saturday, I was saying goodbye to you and your daddy, when all of a sudden, your eyes rolled back and your limbs started to tremble. Your daddy held your hand and struck your arms. He talked to you in a very calm voice and told me that you were having a seizure. I held your other hand and we both remained calm and spoke to you in a soft voice. It didn't take much longer than one minute before you came back and I was relieved to hear your laughter. You were euphoric that the seizure was over. You laughed out loud and you waved your arms and legs in an attempt to let us know you were okay.

I'm glad your dad was there. It was the first time I had witnessed an epileptic episode. I'm okay with it. My blood sugar dropped instantly but I knew that was going to happen. I knew you were okay and that was the most important...

Is someone cutting onions in here?

Sometimes I hear these life stories that make me really sad.. At times, people can become so lonely life is no longer worth living...

What if your happy family falls apart after your only child gets diagnosed with an awful cancer they can't get rid of? How hard is the struggle to remain optimistic and help your child get through this ordeal? It takes a whole lot of strength to cope with situations like this. There is no free time when your child is seriously ill. You have no social life, because you don't want to leave that child in someone else's hands. So friends stop asking you out and your world becomes more narrow by the day. It drifts you and your husband apart, because there is no more energy left for romantic dates. The child looses the battle, the husband moves house and you get lost in a house that has all of a sudden become way too big.

You don't cope well. You get sick too. The pain is too immense. There are no happy circumstances to look forward to. No sweet 16's, no weddings, no grandchildren. There are no more birthdays to celebrate. No more cuddling on the couch or sharing blankets while watching a movie on TV. There will be nobody asking you if you would like a glass of wine too. Coming home from work, the house is cold and empty and silent. You forget the sound of your own voice, because you are afraid to speak in that empty void your house has become...

A young lady get's diagnosed with the awful C-word. She's too young. Her mother holds her and strokes her hair at night, telling her she will be okay. They go together like carrots and peas, because there's nobody else. They cling to each other and they become each others best friend. The C-thing gives up and hope reoccurs. Life is good and things get better. Until faith chooses otherwise and leaves the young lady without her mom. Now there's only a star in heaven that looks out for her. The young lady has to grow up even faster now, trying to make a life of her own. It's hard and she misses her mom and best companion like crazy. Nobody knows about her grief and she suffers in silence.

The C-word is back in her life. Things are different now. That one special person she called mommy is no longer there to help her get through this ordeal. It's only her and C. Imagine coming home from chemo in an empty house, all sick and drained from the treatment. Nobody there to give you a cuddle. No reassuring words and no strokes on the hair or a pat on the shoulder. You crawl in bed and you shed the tears that no one will hear. You cry until your body feels raw and empty. You cry even more, when doctors tell you, the therapy is not working. Do you have the right to give up? Can you find the strength to keep fighting? 

Ready or not

The soft sound of Enya was playing in the dimly lit room. Not one chair was empty. I heard people sob and every now and then I could hear someone blow their nose. The chairs were lined up in half a circle. Every chair had a white rose, tied to the back of the chair with white silk ribbons. In the middle of the circle, on a high table, there was a small white coffin. The matte sheen of the wood seemed serene, just like the people present. The coffin was open all the way. It had satin upholstery and on the satin pillow, decorated with white little roses, rested the head of a beautiful young girl. Her black shiny hair was combed to perfection. Her hairpin with the little black and white flower kept the strands of hair from covering up her eyes. Her eyelids were closed, showing her perfect thick and long lashes. Like delicate porcelain, her skin was pale and spotless. I recognized her favorite black dress, with the fine patent leather belt around the waist, the skirt wide and fluffy. Her legs hidden in black tights, just like she always wore them. Her little feet, kept warm in the shiny black patent leather slippers, that looked just like doll shoes. I didn't see her pacifier.. she cannot sleep without her pacifier, I mumbled. Nobody heard me. Maybe I didn't even say it out loud. I remember how tiny her hands were in mine, when she would sit in my lap for her afternoon nap. I would hold her hands together under the blanket, her head resting in my neck, her legs bent and the soles of her feet touching each other. I took another glance at the little Princess. She looked so fragile, so delicate and at the same time so peaceful..  But didn't she always look like this? She was like a beautiful doll.. 

I'm not ready for this. Not yet. It was nothing but a bad dream. I will see her on Thursday. She's okay. She has a chronic disease, I know. She won't grow old, I know. She gets seizures and pneumonia and she has troubles breathing and swallowing. I know. But she's still there. And I will take care of her whenever I get the chance to. Because there is so much left for her to teach me..

First Aid

No, don't worry. No ambulances or doctors involved this time...

Today, while I was driving my oldest daughter to school, we had this talk about medication. I don't remember how we got to this subject, but it reminded me of my childhood. In the pantry, there was a First Aid cabinet. Of course, we were not supposed to open the door to that cabinet without supervision, but we knew some things in there were pure fun. There was a jar, filled with black powder. That powder was called Norit and it was nothing else but activated carbon. It was there in case one of us had a mild form of diarrhea or some kind of poisoning. The fun thing about Norit was, that if you ate a spoonful of the carbon, your mouth, tongue and teeth would turn black in a jiffy. It had a strange taste to it and I can't say it tasted bad or good. It just tasted different and it looked very appealing. There was no chance our mother wouldn't find out, because of the black traces the powder would leave behind..
There was something else I really liked.. children's aspirin. The small pink tablet would melt in your mouth. It tasted sooo good! I don't recall the brand of the aspirin but I do remember the taste. I would easily eat a full strip of aspirin, just for the fun of it. I guess I didn't have much of a fever..

Dive in!

Photo Eva Joos

You and your daddy are going to spend some special time together. As a teen, your father used to swim a lot. It gave him his broad and strong shoulders and a straight back. And of course the V-shape all men want to have.

For a couple of years, you were in a swimteam too. And you were pretty good at it! I loved to watch you swim. The way your head disappeared in the water and how you gasped for air, your head turned to the left. You were a fast swimmer and your teacher was proud of you. He was that fond of you, that he wanted you in his team of competitors. When he asked you to join that team, you were in doubt. On one hand, you were proud that he asked you. On the other hand, you're not a competitive girl. Your teacher didn't give you much options: you join the team or you quit swimming.. What a bummer.. Joining the team meant you would have to practice 5 days a week, sometimes even before school started. You decided not to join the team. Practice would be too tough. You always regretted getting out of the team, but there was no other choice at the time.

When your daddy read about Start to Swim, he knew you would love to join him. Your eyes sparkled and you said yes right away. It's too bad you have no friends who love to swim like you do. But your daddy will be your friend and the two of you will do real well together. Enjoy!

Nobody said it would be easy

I often get the question: how can you work as a personal assistant? Is it not too strenuous? Don't you get involved emotionally? What if your patient dies?

I don't ask myself those questions. Life and death are part of the circle. In the end we will all die somehow. Of course we all want to live happily ever after. We want to lead a healthy and fulfilling life. Unfortunately, not all of us are that lucky. Some lives are way too short. Sometimes it involves a child, that is not meant to grow old. A child that will never become an adult. A child that will not go to school, have playmates or sleepovers. A child, loved so deeply and surrounded by the most affectionate people ever, that her life is very fulfilling and warm. Her passing away will cause so much grief among as many people, but those are situations we shouldn't wonder about right now. This is the time to celebrate her life, to care for her in the best way possible. It's all about making her life as comfortable as possible and giving her all the love she can handle. Life is about the little things. It's not about making a fortune. It's not about having the biggest and fastest car around or about buying a second or a third house. Life is so much more. One can be much happier if surrounded by people who really care and love you for who you are..

She's not doing too well. She has been having more fevers than normal and the epileptic episodes seem to occur more often. Her body is infected and she has a hard time fighting the infection. But she'll be okay. She's well taken care of. I'm sure that makes her relax and realize that she's not alone. She has many hands on her shoulders to guide her through this. She'll be just fine. I just know she will...

Last night, when we were young

Photo Cathy Van de Moortele

My employer is a witty guy. For a number of times, he has called me "old", since to him,  "old" is 40+. He had no idea at first how old I am, so when I asked him if he thought I was old, he shook his head and said: no, I am talking about people who are at least 40 years old.. Right.. He was pretty embarrassed when I told him I'm turning 41 this month. Ever since, it's been our joke. He keeps reminding me of my age, but it doesn't bother me at all. I have no issues growing older.

Cleaning up the clutter in our house, I ran across two stuffed animals that were very dear to me as a child. A small golden teddy bear and a bigger sized bunny. They have been best friends for many, many years. When I go through my photo album (I have only one), I can see them in the crib I spent my baby time in. Maybe someone gave them to me for my birth? I don't know. But I still have them and I'm not going to dump them. They don't have a name. They are over 40 years old now. THEY are OLD. I'm not. We share the same age, but they look older than I do. They do! don't they?

Toi qui rit comme un ange

You have a beautiful smile. You don't make much sound when you smile, but that's okay. Your eyes shine and glow and that broad smile says it all. This afternoon, we cuddled on the couch. Not your own couch you are used to, but a couch in an apartment close to the beach. That's where you will spend your vacation with your family for a week. I will come visit you for two days, so your parents and brother can do other activities. Taking naps is what you need during the day. I love to have you in my lap and make you fall asleep. Making soothing sounds, stroking the tip of your nose  with my index, holding both of your hands, so you can relax and dream your dreams. I wonder what you dream about. While you are sleeping, you hold on to your pacifier, making those little noises that are so typically you. Your little feet meet each other at the foot soles, crossing your legs in my lap. I love the weight of your body against mine, your cheek against my cheek. I try to relax and we breathe together in the same cadence. I'm glad I can give you some love and warmth and you do the same for me. You have the most loving parents ever. They would give their life for you. They do more for you than one could expect. How could they not give you the best? You don't deserve any less. You ask nothing in return. It's just that the love that you give, reaches so many hearts and those hearts send you back all of their love. What a treasure you are..

A smitten kitten

You are coming home today... It's been too long. Not hearing anything from you was really weird. I'm not used to not talking to you and you couldn't even bring your cell phone along. That was a hard one. Not only for us, but also for your boyfriend..

Last night, I was just typing a note for him, to ask if he wanted to join me to come pick you up at the railway station. All of a sudden, the door bell rang. Not expecting anyone, I opened the door and to my surprise, your sweetheart stood on the sidewalk. He asked me if it were okay if he would pick you up at the train station. That was so sweet of him! I could've hugged him! I told him about the message I was sending him an instant ago. What a coincidence! 

Of course he can pick you up. He is so in love with you.. and you will be so happy to see him. I'm sure you will want to take a shower, but he'll take you to MacDonald's first. That's what he promised and I just know you will be very happy to go. I hope to see the two of you somewhere in the afternoon. He's more than welcome, you know that. It'll be good to have you home honeybun xx

I love your smile

Photo Lana Joos

Your mom chose Hubby as your godfather. He was very proud that she had asked him and he looked forward to being a good godfather. Someone you could count on. Someone who would be there for you whenever you needed him. You're 12 now. Ready to go to Highschool. That comes with a family party, this afternoon. We will all be there, except for Lana, who is still in summer camp. But she'll be thinking of you. It will be your special day and everybody you love will be there to celebrate you. We love you kiddo. You are special to us as a godson but also as a nephew for our girls. When we have you over at our house, we have fun and we do things together. I never heard you protest to come stay with us and sleep over.
In September, you will be going to your new school. Last year, you were the oldest in school. This year, you'll be the youngest again. It will be strange to make new friends, have different teachers and different subjects. But as always: you'll do just fine. It might be frightening in the beginning and it will take you some time to adjust, but it's a good thing you are not shy. It's easy for you to mingle and make new friends. You're an outgoing personality.
It's a pleasure to hear you laugh. Most of the times, when you laugh, tears roll down your cheeks. It's a catching smile and we can't but laugh along. Keep that humor with you. It makes life a whole lot more fun.
Your godfather is going to take you to the Euro Space Center. Just the two of you. How about that? I'm sure you'll have a lot of fun.

Love is..

.. losing track of time when you are together.

This little girl has something special, that makes anyone love her. I don't know how she does it, but you must love her. There's no other option. I'm so happy she was born in such a loving family. That may be obvious to you, but it isn't. I have seen different situations.. Needing people around her who care for her and who love her for who she is, this little Princess is growing up in the most loving environment ever. Surrounded by family, friends and caregivers, she's happy and nurtured.

I got pretty emotional, reading this letter from her parents. I was not the only one.. Grandma's eyes teared up as well. Fantastic people and wonderful parents to both little Princess and her brother..

All caregivers are invited to a pleasant night out in a nearby restaurant. It's their way to show their gratitude for looking after this beautiful child. It takes a team you can trust and build on, to make sure there's always someone there to help out. I'm lucky I can be part of this team. I'm lucky to have little Princess in my life.. Because she teaches me about true love..

Till death do us part

He's a very successful, handsome young businessman. His life is exciting and he has managed to live his dreams. Madly in love with Carmen, they get married and they get along real well. Little Luna is their little princess and they love her to pieces. Every now and then, he meets other women and needs their love and approval to feel better about himself. Carmen knows about the cheating, but she forgives him for his enthusiasm and his boyish personality. 
Fate strikes. Carmen gets diagnosed with breast cancer. Although Stijn is very supportive of her, he has a tough time dealing with this struggle in their life. Roos is the woman he confides in. She comforts him and offers him a refuge, away from the cancer and away from his tormented family. He needs this escape from reality despite his deep love for Carmen. 
Carmen faces a breast amputation and her world falls apart. Stijn breaks up with Roos, to spend more time with Carmen. She won't live much longer and they agree to quit jobs and enjoy each other for the little time they have left. Carmen forgives him for the numerous affairs and he strokes her back when the chemotherapy makes her vomit at night. 
She's ready to leave for the other side and asks her husband to call a doctor. Euthanasia is her last wish.. 

This (Dutch) movie gave me the chills. The moment when Carmen had to say goodbye to their 5 year old princess, was devastating. I let my tears run wild. My blood sugars were totally messed up. I think I'll watch it again. "Komt een vrouw bij de dokter... "

A roof over your head

I'm so proud of you! Last night, you invited me to a picnic in your backyard. That is, your future back yard, behind the house you and your husband are building. The sun was out till late that night and your husband had improvised a table for us to sit at. I guess sitting on a picnic blanket was not really possible, but we did enjoy the food. There were side dishes and even dessert. And of course good conversations. We have a lot of fun together but at the same time, we can discuss serious stuff too. Building your own house is not a piece of cake. It's hard work and sticking to the budget is a true challenge. But the two of you will get there. And one day, your baby son will say: my daddy helped the contractor build our house..

Photo Lana Joos

That same little boy will be coming over today. I have the honor to look after him for a couple of hours. He's such a cutie! I love his personality. Always full of mischief but not in a bad way. He's just vivid and active and pleasant to be around. I'm sure we'll have fun together. The girls haven't seen him for a long time. He's very welcome here and we love him.

You are a beautiful soul

What a delight. What a privilege to have you fall asleep in my lap. You look so peaceful, so serene and pure. I am holding your bib against your chin, so your pacifier stays put in your mouth. You are sound asleep and you make little noises. They are soothing and I enjoy listening to the sounds you make. My index strokes your forehead and you try to grab it in your sleep. I hold still for a while, in an attempt not to wake you. Your thick, black eyelashes rest on your rosy cheeks. You are such a beautiful girly girl. My legs feel numb but I do not want to bend them, for your legs are on top of mine and I do not want to wake you. Naps are important to you and necessary. We had a great time around lunch. I was having my sushi and at the same time my other hand was tickling your neck. You enjoyed that and it made you laugh. That broad smile makes me happy. I think I am going to text your mommy and daddy to let them know what a special little girl you are....

Looking forward to the challenge

Your daddy called you his little Princess in his email. You're a beautiful girly girl, with the multiple hairpins matching your colorful outfits. You love to be fiddled with and you're so huggable I can't keep my hands from stroking your arms and legs. When I got the chance to lift you out of your relaxation chair, I realized how light you were. We sat down together, sunken in soft pillows on the comfortable couch. The grey blanky you got around birth, wrapped around your body. Your head rested on my shoulder and I let you suck your pacifier so you could take a nap. Your beautiful brown eyes with the long and thick lashes - you would make the perfect model for Maybelline mascara - were looking around. You don't recognize my voice yet, so I tried not to speak too much. I just patted your back and rocked you back and forth on my lap. You were a little anxious at first, but we hung on, the two of us. It gave your daddy the time to do some domestic chores around the house. And we could have some quality time together.
Your daddy was right, when he called you his little Princess. You are so precious. Not able to speak or communicate, but still beautiful. It was absolutely terrific to see that grin on your face when your favorite song was playing on the CD player. Head, shoulder, knees and toes, knees and toes. You just love that song! Shiny eyes and a broad smile makes it worthwhile. Thank you for letting me into your world. It will make me a better person. Looking forward to our next get together..

I think I wanna marry you

Congratulations, my friend. This very right day, your youngest son is getting married to his beautiful girlfriend.. It's been a rough year and nobody had an idea this marriage was going to be scheduled this soon. Hearing they are getting married today, brings joy to our hearts. He's still amongst us and he will be for a very long time. Marriage will do him good. He will have different goals in life, a wife to cherish, a household to take care off. Day by day, he will grow stronger. He's getting there. With a lot of love from his wife and family and help from his friends, 2012 will be a fresh start. Bruno is not invited to the party. We all prayed for him to go away. We don't need him. Your son can do without...
Have a wonderful day. Keep the Kleenex handy. I'll be thinking of you all..