We just have today, we are not promised tomorrow

I first met the two of you last August. I had no idea who to expect and I was surprised by the friendliness you and your father welcomed me into his home with. Immediately I was impressed by the bond between you both. He was your inspiration, your rock, your adviser and caretaker. You could talk on the same level, like adults are supposed to do, even in a father - daughter relationship. I admired you for that. You cared deeply for him and I could tell by the sparkle in his eyes, how much he loved you. Right there and then, I realized how deeply a father can love his daughter and wish nothing but the best for you. I could read from the look on his face, how proud he was of you.

You told me he was very ill. He had had surgery and times had been rough. But he was doing better and both him and your mom spent several vacations abroad to enjoy each others company. You would take care of his dog in the meantime and keep an eye on their property. That's the kind of person you are: caring, loving, generous and loyal. The apple didn't fall far from the tree, I suppose.

Today I came to see you, completely out of the blue. We normally meet and talk about diabetes, since we share the same condition. There were no intentions for a meeting whatsoever, but your parents had brought me a tortilla pan from Spain. A pan I had been wanting for quite some time. You are so good at arranging things and surprising other people. We talked about your father and that he needed a check-up at the hospital, for he wasn't feeling too well. You always spoke of him in a soft voice and with love and compassion. He was your friend...

We said our goodbyes around 4:00 PM and I returned on my steps and said to you: don't worry about your dad, he'll be just fine. And you said: of course he will, he has to. I didn't expect your phone call later this evening. I'm so sorry for your loss, my friend. This must be so hard on you. Your father is at peace now. He has left a true legacy, a loving family and an amazing impression on so many people. Take care now. I'll talk to you soon xx

On solid ground

Being in love for the very first time, is just the best feeling ever. You can feel your cheeks blush every time you think about him. You can't focus in school and it's like you are walking on roses. Your arms are too long and you're striding and skipping with a broad smile on your pretty face. People say you gloom and they see lights twinkling in your eyes. That's what love does to one.. It's a feeling you want to hold on to forever and "forever" is a word you use in most of your sentences now.

You get older. You have met different people and you start dreaming about a future. Maybe you want to meet more people and discover the world and enjoy your youth, before you commit to someone. You fall in and out of love and you just like to hang out with friends and have a date every night and then. Cuddles are welcome and you like the feeling of being loved. It's been a while since you've been truly in love.

You meet this one guy and you know this is the person you want to grow old with. It may sound boring and very predictable, but it feels right to you. You no longer doubt if the love is mutual, because you can tell this guy is not only madly in love with you, you feel the same about him. He supports you in whatever you do and you are interested in his dreams. Both of you look forward to the other half to come home from work. There is candle light and romance, there are serious conversations and no harsh words during discussions. There are comforting arms to hold you whenever you feel sad and there's a thumb pointing upwards to cheer the victories in life. He brings you flowers when you least expect it and he opens the door to the restaurant for you. You bring him goodies while he watches the sports channel on TV and you enjoy his enthusiasm even though soccer doesn't interest you at all. There's so much looking forward to going abroad on a vacation and you do nothing but relax and enjoy each other..

It's been some time since you first met. You think about the past and those first years together. Memorable moments cross your mind, some with tears, some with a smile and a wink. The butterflies are no longer present all the time. Things have changed. Love has presented itself in a different way. You understand each other better as time goes by. You share a past together and you're looking forward to a future. The children start living their own life and there are more moments to spend as a couple. It's like starting all over again. At times, you feel the butterflies have come back. It's a special feeling. It's a blessing.

Is it that strange?

I'm scrolling through pictures people have posted on FaceBook. Pictures of their homes, their family, their vacation in some far off place. That's how it goes nowadays. People let you look into their lives, even if you have never met them in real life. You get to know them by their snapshots. Is it surprising to you, that they only upload the pictures that make them look their best? If you're lucky, nobody else will post pictures of you in your right-out-of-bed-look. Only the best shots will make the FaceBook album: dressed to the nines, happy smile, beautiful outfits and straight from the hair salon: picture perfect families. Because we all want to look our best, right? Right?

It's like getting your school report. You tell whoever wants to know, what your grades are. That is, if those grades are good enough to share. If they are not that good to show off, you won't mention them, would you? It's not like you would step up to people and say: hey, wanna know about the bad score I got on my mathematics test? You keep the scores to yourself and you hope nobody will ask about them.

You can tell people about your bad day at work. How crappy it was and how you hope it will end soon. Will you also tell them, that bad day was caused because you went to bed late after an argue with your husband? Is it to their concern that you didn't sleep all night and you want your colleagues to take the blame for your bad day? No, FaceBook will only state: terrible day at work.. and your followers will get back to you saying how sorry they feel for you and that they hope you will have a better day tomorrow. Because we don't want to share what went wrong..

Trying to show the best of us, is what we were brought up with. It was important to our parents, to show how successful you were. It probably makes parents feel better about themselves, if their children do well in school, at work, in their social life. They'd rather not have others know that their son drinks because he can't cope with the high standard life has brought him. They don't want people to find out their youngest got kicked out of school for the second time, so they say he switched school because it had more opportunities. Because we all want to look our best. It is important to us that people have a good impression about who we are.

I'm always happy to share good blood work when it comes to diabetes. I like my numbers to behave and I have no problem typing them down for others to see. Every now and then I even share images of good graphs and "perfect" situations. Because it takes hard work to get those numbers and you put a lot of effort in it. Doctors ask you to do your best and make sure that HbA1c is below 7%. Because you don't want to get nasty complications, do you? They state the importance of having your numbers within range (and the margins become tighter over the years). Not one doctor prepares you for numbers that are way out of line. They don't tell you it is more likely to have off numbers than readings that make you feel good. So you want to live up to their standard. You want your D to be in control. Because you want to look your best. Diabetes isn't easy. It's not always the way you want it to be. It is hard to admit. It doesn't make you a terrible person if you let others know your numbers were way out of range. Then why is it so hard? Why don't we let others see our dark side? I dare you all, to post your worst self pic ever. I challenge you to write on your FB status: "Did lousy at work today. I made my colleagues look bad and I screwed up on a very important job." Don't be afraid about the comments you'll get. I won't fear the comments after having posted a crappy D-day, due to miscalculating carbs for that wonderful cheesecake, high readings, pump sites that stayed in way too long.
I dare you. 

Who's the best doctor?

Assume you have been seeing the same old diabetes doctor since you were just a young teen. For a very long time, let's say around 30 years, this same doctor has been your hero, the man who has helped you through many ordeals. He has calmed you down when you were completely lost. He understood the high numbers followed by those creepy lows when you had gone out with your
friends. He reprimanded you for not using your glucometer for 2 weeks, because you were fed up with D. He reassured your parents you were going to be okay, when once again, you were in the hospital with DKA. Your parents invited him to your wedding and he congratulated you with your first child. He helped you figure out the lows and the highs and he checked the blue marks on your thigh as a result of the daily nighttime shot. He reminded you to take your vitamin D and to change your needles as often as possible. And then, he announced he was going to leave the hospital. He wanted other, younger doctors to take over. Your world fell apart. How would you cope without him? Not one other doctor knew all about your lows and highs. This man knew you better than your own parents did? Deep down, you knew this day would come. You weren't ready for it. It wasn't easy for him either...

Then this other doctor showed up. He was experienced too. He had a calm voice and a firm hand but he was not your doctor.. You built a shield around you and you were not prepared to let him in. He talked about some device you had never heard of. He tried to persuade you to alter the settings on your insulin pump. Was he out of his mind??? If your settings weren't okay, wouldn't your own doctor have said so? What do you mean, 180 mg/dl is not the best average blood glucose?

You were heartbroken. You wanted to talk to your own doctor and make him come back. He deserved his retirement, absolutely. But why now? Why someone else that you didn't know?

Things are different now. You have to rely on a different method. A doctor with an opinion of its own. Why does he keep saying it is so important to count carbs? Why does he want you to change what has become your way of life? It's not fair. It's still the same disease, then why change it all?

You texted me to ask about the carb content of this and that. We sat down together, to discuss this new device, called Dexcom G4. You were impressed, to your surprise. Maybe it was time to let go. Just like a mom, who is setting her child free to flap her wings, it was time to let go of the old days and the old ways. You were ready for a new milestone. I heard you followed my advice and you got yourself a new insulin pump, bluetooth included. I'm proud of you. Carb counting can be tricky, but seeing what those carbs do to a body infected by diabetes, is beyond interesting. I have this feeling, that you are beginning to like this new doctor. Maybe he's not the enemy. Maybe he's your next challenge in life. You can do this. You're on your way.

Blue Monday

For the first time, I heard that the third Monday of January is considered Blue Monday. All over the world, this is the day when most people feel depressed, sad or even desperate.

I was watching this program on TV. A Chinese business man had survived two suicide attempts, after his companies went out of business. He thought his experience could help other people and he started to give seminars to suicidal peers. His classes were packed and the audience was focused. There were coffins in the auditorium. The attendees were asked to have their "last" picture taken and to write their own eulogy. They changed the clothes they were wearing for graveclothes, before they crawled into their coffin in deep silence. The lids were being put on top and the coffins were nailed down. For some time, they were being left inside their coffins, to reflect over their lives. Meanwhile, their family and friends were gathering in the same room, to attend the fake funeral. The "dead" person could hear the grief and the sorrow of their beloved ones. It made them aware of how fortunate they were to have so many wonderful people around them. Not of one the attendees has made a new suicide attempt since the classes they took. Spooky.. but effective..