What if?

What if you could make life with diabetes easier?
What if some device would warn you if your blood glucose is out of control?
What if you would get an alarm while sleeping, because your blood glucose is running dangerously  low?
What if you would be able to know your actual blood glucose every 5 minutes without poking your fingers as many times?

Wouldn't that be reassuring to say the least? I would think so.. What if I tell you, this kind of system is available/for sale? Wouldn't you hop up and get one? Right.. I guess all of us would like this kind of CGMS (Continuous Glucose Monitoring System) help us get better control. Alas, only a couple of people will get the opportunity to get reimbursement when using CGMS. My doctor talked about pregnant diabetics, young children with diabetes or people with hypo unawareness. Since I'm no longer a child and I'm not pregnant, I guess those two options are out of the question. I'm fortunate that I feel most of my lows in time and although my diabetes can play games with me, I am not that brittle a diabetic. Meaning: CGMS will be at my own expense. Yes, it's expensive. And yes, it's good for me. It can help me get better control and it can help me reach my targets. It can help me prevent lows and highs and it can warn me from nocturnal out of rage numbers when I'm too tired to wake up.

I have a Dexcom G4 in my pocket. It's working just fine and it gives me RealTime bloodglucose numbers without poking my fingers 8 times a day. It tells me to watch out when a low is coming my way and it warns me if my sugar is skyrocketing. The first night with Dexcom G4, I got warned because 2 lows were hitting in. The lows didn't wake me, but my CGMS did.. When that buzzer went off, I pushed the button and grabbed for candy that was sitting on my night stand. I went back to sleep to be awakened again, only two hours later for a second low reading. Wow... I was truly impressed by the efficiency and the accuracy of this device.

During the day, my Dexcom helps me keep track of my numbers. Finally I can really tell what food does to my glucose levels during the digesting process. I'm sure it will prevent me from eating foods that aren't good for me and it will show me how to dose my insulin when eating other meals.
The software helps you understand the numbers and tells you about patterns in your BG. It is then up to you to alter your insulin schedule and prevent future highs and lows.

If only insurances could get informed about the purpose and benefits of CGMS. It could help us prevent severe complications in later life and a better overall life. I'm glad it's sitting in my pocket and I hope we will find a way to pay the bill..

If you want to know more about it, check out their website.

She made up her mind...

It is a very difficult question to answer: what do you want to be when you grow up? I'm not talking about becoming a fireman or a ballerina. They were a whole lot younger when those answers crossed their minds. I'm talking present time now. What do you want to do as a profession in not so much later time? How "professional" does that sound? It's a very loaded question, because you have to think of so many things: career possibilities, talents, financial consequences, studying, a place to study, social life, .. That's why it takes so many of us so long to decide what they really want to do in life. Sometimes you cannot label the profession you picture yourself in. So you just say: I want to do something I'm really passionate about, so I can stick to it for a very long time. I want to leave for work with a smile and come home with an even bigger smile.

There were a couple of fields our daughter was interested in. She loves economics and languages and that gives her the freedom to taste many different aspects in the workplace. We had the chance to talk to both students and teachers of the schooling she has chosen. The college she will attend, had an open house on Saturday so we stopped by and asked our questions. Network Economics.. that's the name of the education Lana would like to participate in. We discussed the schedule with her teacher-to-be and the more he told us about it, the more I realized this is what Lana really wants to do.

There were a couple of objections though. She had already chosen her favorite city to go to college: Ghent. What a bummer when she found out Network Economics is a field you can only study in either Bruges or Kortrijk. Hmhm... dilemma.. Very understandable,  knowing that most of her friends will be studying in Ghent. She's a smart girl though. It's all about your future. There are no certainties in life and you have to make the right choice when it comes to your education. There will be time left to spend with friends and to visit places.

We looked into housing in the nearby school area. And we found what we were looking for: a very nice room with a private bathroom and plenty of space to put things away. The rooms have been renovated recently and they sure did a great job! There is a courtyard where you will find the students cooking their dinner and enjoying a meal together. But there is also the privacy of your own room and the assurance that you won't have to clean up someone else's wet towels. She'll do just fine. She's growing up.. and we are growing with her..

My heart skips a beat

It seems like yesterday, when I gave birth to this beautiful little girl. All tiny and pure, she came into this world and stole our hearts right away. She turned 16 today. When I looked at her this morning, I saw a pretty young lady, preparing herself to go to school and celebrate her birthday with her friends. I saw bright stars in her eyes and the straight shoulders reassured me that she has truly become an independent, outgoing girl. She is loved by her friends and now there is this special young man who is giving her the goosebumps she has been longing for. I hugged her so much this morning and had a hard time to let go of her childhood. It felt good to hold her close to my heart and kiss her rosy cheeks. I'm proud of my little girl. She's doing real well..
Happy Sweet 16, honeybun.. We love you with all our heart.

Is someone cutting onions in here?

Sometimes I hear these life stories that make me really sad.. At times, people can become so lonely life is no longer worth living...

What if your happy family falls apart after your only child gets diagnosed with an awful cancer they can't get rid of? How hard is the struggle to remain optimistic and help your child get through this ordeal? It takes a whole lot of strength to cope with situations like this. There is no free time when your child is seriously ill. You have no social life, because you don't want to leave that child in someone else's hands. So friends stop asking you out and your world becomes more narrow by the day. It drifts you and your husband apart, because there is no more energy left for romantic dates. The child looses the battle, the husband moves house and you get lost in a house that has all of a sudden become way too big.

You don't cope well. You get sick too. The pain is too immense. There are no happy circumstances to look forward to. No sweet 16's, no weddings, no grandchildren. There are no more birthdays to celebrate. No more cuddling on the couch or sharing blankets while watching a movie on TV. There will be nobody asking you if you would like a glass of wine too. Coming home from work, the house is cold and empty and silent. You forget the sound of your own voice, because you are afraid to speak in that empty void your house has become...

A young lady get's diagnosed with the awful C-word. She's too young. Her mother holds her and strokes her hair at night, telling her she will be okay. They go together like carrots and peas, because there's nobody else. They cling to each other and they become each others best friend. The C-thing gives up and hope reoccurs. Life is good and things get better. Until faith chooses otherwise and leaves the young lady without her mom. Now there's only a star in heaven that looks out for her. The young lady has to grow up even faster now, trying to make a life of her own. It's hard and she misses her mom and best companion like crazy. Nobody knows about her grief and she suffers in silence.

The C-word is back in her life. Things are different now. That one special person she called mommy is no longer there to help her get through this ordeal. It's only her and C. Imagine coming home from chemo in an empty house, all sick and drained from the treatment. Nobody there to give you a cuddle. No reassuring words and no strokes on the hair or a pat on the shoulder. You crawl in bed and you shed the tears that no one will hear. You cry until your body feels raw and empty. You cry even more, when doctors tell you, the therapy is not working. Do you have the right to give up? Can you find the strength to keep fighting? 

An instant satisfaction

That's what people get when they work out: an instant satisfaction. People get this adrenalin boost that releases endorphin to make them feel good. It makes them long for more and I hear sports can be rather addictive. Some even work out every day, just because they know how good it is for their body. Sports gives them energy. It makes them happy and it makes their body look good. It strengthens their muscles and it makes them look slim and their bums tight. I wish I was born with at least a couple of sporty genes. I come out of a non-sporty family. The only sports I ever liked, was horseback riding. I did try gymnastics once I guess. I got hurt real badly, slipping of the balance beam, ending up with the beam in between my legs. I swear.. that was really painful. In school, I tried to skip the sports classes. I never understood my fellow students, playing catch on the playground. Why would you want to race around the school yard, trying not to get caught? I always ran real slowly, so I got caught first. That way, I could just sit down and cheer the others. I didn't even try to compete in swim class, I could care less who won the game. It's just not me.. I'm not that kind of person. I'm not driven to win. I don't give a darn if someone is faster than me or gets a medal. Good for them! I'll cheer for them and I won't shed a tear..

When you get diagnosed with diabetes, doctors tell you that you have to shoot up insulin, consider a healthy diet and exercise. I do well on two out of three conditions. I really suck on the third condition though. I guess I'm just lazy and bored by sports. I don't like to watch sports, I don't like to do sports. Period. Then why did I promise my D-friends I would give it another try? Because I don't want to let them down? Because the whippets would be real happy if I would take them out for a brief walk? Or because it would benefit my health? Maybe a combination of three.

I'm not ready yet. I need to think things over. But I promise I will give it a try. I have sneakers and sweatpants and an outdoor coat. I can climb stairs in the house ; we have plenty (did you hear my knees creak?). My kids are happy I'm too lazy to go all the way up to their rooms. Maybe they will clean their rooms more often if my condition gets better? I feel like I'm trying to persuade myself to get started. Like I said: I'll think about it.. 

When will I see you again?

I'm getting better at it. At making appointments, I mean. I no longer meet up with people without scheduling it in my agenda at least two weeks in advance. "Nothing special about that.", I hear you say and to a certain point, you are right. The thing is, I used to be out a lot. As in: a whole lot. As in: I was out more than I was at home. Too much is never good. So I tried to cut back on making appointments and outdoor trips all across the country. It hasn't been easy, I must admit that. I like spontaneous outings, but I also understand I don't live all by myself. I am still me and I am still an outgoing person, but I have cut back on my lunches and dinner dates.

I'm trying to figure out some kind of system. Trying to split up the weeks and fit in some dates, without exaggerating. It's hard though... There are people I would like to see monthly. Some people I'm happy to see twice a year. How about the ones I would like to talk to weekly? I puzzle and I postpone and I plan and I reject. I thought it would tear me apart to say no to invitations and in the beginning it really was painful, because I don't like to let people down. I have now come to the conclusion that people only send you an invitation. It's okay to say no. You don't have to be there every time. It makes the next date even more fun.

No matter how long it takes before we meet again: we always pick up where we left of the previous time. Because friendship is not about the quantity of the meetings. It's about having a good time together and sharing feelings and stories. It's about caring enough to ask how the other is really doing. Not the: how are you? I'm fine - situations. I want to go beyond that. Because the friendships are not superficial. Because friends are important, just like family is.

I'm just saying..

I was waiting for a large cappuccino and a large decaf hazelnut Latte Macchiato, when I saw these two young men come inside Starbucks. One of them was obviously in a hurry, trying to locate the men's room.. He was very polite but persistent when he asked the lady by the counter if he could use the bathroom. I could tell by the way he pressed his knees together, he had not much time to lose. The lady asked him if he was a customer or not. He understood where she was headed to and he put a 1 euro coin on the counter. She shook her head... He offered her 2 euro and I saw the agony in this face. But once again, she said she could not accept him going to the bathroom if he didn't make an order. Both men left the place, truly disappointed. I was appalled and irritated by this scene. How can you deny a person in need, to use the bathroom?

I grabbed my drinks and found my way back to the table (the place was packed by then), where my husband was waiting for me. I was really distressed by this incident. It occurs every now and then, that I need to go real bad and just thinking someone would deny me the use of their bathroom, really pissed me off..
Just a little later, a female person entered Starbucks. She was not the person you would expect in a place where coffee is called Café Americano and costs € 4.25 a mug. It seemed like she hadn't seen a bath in ages. Her clothes were shabby and dirty and she looked like she had been living on the street for some years. She found a spot right next to where we were sipping our creamy hot coffee (don't you just love that hazelnut syrup?). I was still upset by the men's room incident, when the lady started to scratch herself, before she laid down her head on the table to take a nap. For at least half an hour, she didn't budge and she obviously did not stand in line to order a coffee or a chocolate chip muffin.

That's it! I've had it! I went back to the counter and after standing there like a ghost (that's the feeling you get when 4 employees completely ignore you), I asked to see the manager in charge. Well, guess what? Four heads turned my way in an instant, wondering what I wanted to see the manager for. It took them some time to find out who was in charge that day. I finally got to see the manager, although she did not look like a manager at all.. In a calm way (trust me, I had a really hard time to stay calm at that stage), I told her what had been bothering me since the moment I ordered our drinks. She said she could not allow people to use the bathrooms if they weren't customers. This young man was even prepared to pay 2 euro to take a simple pee! Hello??? Did you miss something??
I asked her about the scruffy lady, who was not a paying customer but nevertheless claimed a table and a seat, for at least half an hour, while paying customers had to consume their 10 euro bill outside on the terrace in the cold. She told me there was nothing she could do, since the woman in rags came to Starbucks every day. I guess not as a paying customer..

Strange policy. Not very American-like, I would say. If it weren't for their good coffee...

PS I used their bathroom. For free. It didn't have toilet paper and I didn't flush. Suits them well.

Am I going to die?

Of course I am! Aren't we all going to die? Isn't that the circle of life?

I'm not joking. These questions are being asked. Not recently, not that I remember, that is. But they have been asked. If the diabetes is going to kill me... Ten years ago, I would have answered: I guess so.. Because I didn't know any better. I thought my body would deteriorate in no time. My endocrinologist told me about kidney failure and amputations of the limbs. She told me that blindness is one of the most common complications of diabetes. Well guess what: she was wrong! Diabetes does NOT lead to these awful complications. POOR diabetes treatment does... 

Can you understand why it's so important to diabetics (sorry for the word, but it types faster than people with diabetes) to get good control? Why they aim for good bloodsugars? It's not that we are so fond of poking our fingers multiple times a day or because we love to jab needles into our bodies.. Trust me: there are wilder things in life to keep busy. Bare with us, if the flunctuations in our bloodsugar play tricks with us. I realize it's hard to watch us go through a low episode and loose complete control. It's not something we challenge to happen. We don't dare ourselves to get lows. I admit, we may be a little crazy, but lows are not exactly the best party ever. We prefer numbers in the 70-140 range, just like you do, but guess what? It's not up to us. There are so many reasons why our blood decides not to act like we want it to act. It's not just about dosing insulin. It's a whole lot more...

Valentine's Day is coming up. I want to thank my husband, for baring with me. I want to thank him for letting me be his wife with diabetes. I'm grateful that he doesn't interfere in my D, because after all: it's MY diabetes and it's my job to control it. It's always a bonus if you can talk about your insecurities with your partner or share your concerns. It's good to have someone around in case of .. well.. in case of... you know what. But you know what? I live day by day. I don't let negativity take over. So many things can go wrong, I am well aware of that. But guess what? So many things can go right...  Why waste all that precious time worrying and sobbing over things we cannot control? Why can't we just make the most of it and do the best we can? There's so much more to life than diabetes. Really...

Creating lasting memories

She was walking around Ghent, in between babysitting hours.
He took the bus from his house to Ghent, to see a glimpse of her.
They ran into each other at Petit Coeur, a unique coffee place in the middle of town. That's where they had lunch together. Do you think they were holding hands?
He didn't have much spare time, but nevertheless, he chose to take that bus and surprise her. I think that was a very lovely thing to do. She probably sighed ooh's and aah's.
Her eyes light up with every text message he sends her. She talks in a softer voice. Daydreams distract her from whatever she's doing and her mind drifts off every often so. I'm so happy for her. Being in love is wonderful and is to be cherished.
I'm glad she's telling me more about him. I believe he's good for her. She's my little girl, growing up to become a young woman. I think she's ready for it. I think I am too...

Timesulin

You probably wonder why I'm writing a blog about a device to help diabetics on injections remember their last insulin shot. Since I am a pumper, I no longer have these issues. That doesn't mean I haven't had them in the past. On numerous occasions I had to ask my family whether they had seen me shooting up insulin before my meal. Of course they never did.. Which lead to the dilemma: shooting up extra insulin, with the risk of getting overdosed or leaving it just like that, with a humongous high number afterwards because of the missed insulin... I tried all different tricks but none of them were sufficient enough. When I traded my insulin pens (I didn't really give them back, I buried them) for an insulin pump, I was so happy with the log book in my pump. Finally I could check whether I had given myself my insulin doses or not. Why had nobody come up with something similar for my D-friends on injections?

That's where Timesulin comes in the picture. John Sjölund, a T1 diabetic himself, is a very sporty guy. He likes to run, compete in triathlons, dares himself skiing... But like I said: he is on insulin, just like us. As so many of us, he would forget about when he took his last shot. Having a brain that never stops thinking, he came up with Timesulin. Timesulin is a replacement cap that turns any insulin pen into a smart pen, to show how long it's been since the last insulin injection. It helps in easing daily worries for people living with diabetes and preventing accidental missed or double doses.

This Timesulin smart cap, works with all major insulin pens. It enhances safety, reduces anxiety, is affordable and very easy to use. Because John knows what living with D is like. He knows how dangerous it is to go to bed, not knowing whether you shot up your Lantus or not. Now he can double check. His Timesulin will tell him when he took his last shot. It reassures him of a good diabetes treatment and better numbers. You can improve your diabetes treatment, just like John did! Ask your diabetes team about Timesulin or check their website for more information. You won't need training for this device. Just remove the old cap from your insulin pen, click the Timesulin on your pen and you're all set! Try it out for yourself!

Did I take my shot or not? will no longer be an issue when using Timesulin..

In labor

The moment I heard about this video, I wanted to see it. Men are such wussies when it comes to pain. Their pain threshold is very low, not to say extremely low. Just thinking about a painful situation, makes their stomach twirl and cramp together. I don't know why this is, but I hear it from all of my friends. They all accuse their partner of being a 4 yo toddler when it comes to experiencing pain. They need your full attention, they want to be tucked in and you have to kiss them on their forehead, like their mother would do. Even a simple cold keeps them in bed and they couldn't care less about household chores. They want you to wait on them whenever they feel the need for a mug of hot tea with a spoonful of honey and some pain killers. At a certain point, you are ready to call an ambulance and have them pick up your patient. For it is too much to witness.

You can't feel sorry for them, as their overreaction is just pathetic at times. Isn't it hilarious how they take a look at themselves in the mirror over and over again, to check the paleness of their face and how droopy their eyes look? They want you to hold their hand when they feel nauseous and rub their back when they start to gag. They want you to wipe their sweaty forehead and tuck a second pillow under their shoulders.. Boy oh boy.. are they lucky wives are good nurses.. We are used to dealing with children in pain. We don't freak out when we have to clean dirty bums or wipe away vomit from the couch. We go to work with sore tummies that certain time of the month, without blinking even once. We massage our own neck when it's hurting and we are capable of putting on a band aid to cover that deep cut in our finger without passing out. We know where to find the first aid box and we make sure medical supplies are present. Have you seen us make funny faces when we have a spoonful of cough syrup? And no, it isn't cute or charming. It's not even entertaining when they tell their relatives about that awful disease they endured. You can see rolling (female) eyes when they exaggerate the degree of their illness. Us women understand.. we know what a pain in the bum male patients are. I have so much respect for nurses in the ER. They probably face that terror every day. When you hear words like "euthanasia" when your husband is having an ailment, just run while you still can. Don't give in. Don't pamper him! If you do once, you are lost forever..

Butterflies

She's in love... I can tell it by the look in her eyes.. They look radiant. She speaks in a soft voice now and I can almost see the butterflies twirl around in her tummy. She's nearly 16 and she has become a beautiful young lady. Her shiny hair and her beautiful smile could make any boy turn his head. Hold on to that wonderful feeling sweetie. It's the best feeling ever...

Hot flashes

It's just not possible. I'm only 40. Or am I 41? Doesn't matter. It's just not possible. I'm too young to be having those hot flashes. They are not there all the time. Lately, I have been experiencing those flare ups especially while cooking. So it must be the range cooker or the oven for that matter. Seriously.. hot flashes? Me? naaah...

I miss my old kitchen windows. I could open them whenever I felt the need. Since we have renovated the kitchen, the wood windows have been replaced by more modern and energy saving double insulated PVC windows. The carpenter who came to replace the windows, talked us out of having windows you can open. He said there was no use. There are small fans on top of the windows and that would do the trick. NOT! I hate him. I should not have listened to him. I should have listened to my inner voice and I should've known I would need those windows to open in case I had hot flashes. Damn him..

So I walk outside, on the terrace. I throw off my clothes and finish the cooking in my underwear. Sometimes I put on an apron, especially when using searing hot oil in my Chinese wok. Don't want to splatter hot oil on my bare skin, right? I am too hot to even sit down and eat. So I wait. I cool off and I eat cold dinners.

I am not old enough to have hot flashes. I'm just not.

A tragedy with a happy ending

On his way back from Hamburg, Germany - with Shirley Bassey still on his mind - our friend got notified that one of his whippets was missing. Both dogs had been staying with different dogsitters during his visit to Hamburg. Little Stephanie had escaped from the fenced backyard and she had not looked back. She had no idea her dogsitters would miss her so much and she was not aware of the anxiety her daddy would have to face. Being a sporty whippet, Stephanie loves to run and play and she's full of energy to chase squirrels and rabbits. Is that what she saw that made her flee? We don't know... the only thing we knew, that our friend was torn apart. He wanted his baby girl back. It was freezing cold out there and snow was to be expected later.

When I read the news on FB, my heart stopped for a second. O no! not Stephanie!!!! She's so tiny and slim and lovable  Just the thought of her being out there on the run, while our whippets were covered up in blankets on the couch, was unthinkable. Our hearts went out to our friend, who was in despair to retrieve this little cutie. He jumped on his bike as soon as he got home, racing around town, trying to see a glimpse of this grey whippet. He didn't spot her once.. Hours went by without news. The police force had been alarmed and the animal shelters too. An add had been put on Binnenbeest just in case someone had found her. We all went to bed, worried about her well being and the sanity of our friend, who was probably going mad by then..

Getting up the next morning, I checked my cell phone. Stephanie was still missing. Some other whippet lovers were organizing a real network to find Stephanie. Flyers were being printed and people were asked to come to Antwerp and spread the word. I never thought so many people would get up and brave the cold. Some of them had not even met our friend, nor his dogs... Wow... I was truly moved by this gesture. There are more dog lovers out there than we were aware off..

There were numerous phone calls, of people asking if we had contacted the police or the animal shelters or just to know if she had been found. That's how our friend initially missed the ultimate phone call!! Thank goodness for voice mail! Stephanie had been found! And she had not spent the night outside in the cold. A lovely lady had been chasing her for a while the day before. Not prepared to give up, she hopped out of her car, ignored red lights and moved around town as fast as she could. She lost track of Stephanie once, but like half an hour later, she spotted her again. Determined to grab her, our own Super Whippet Woman chased Stephanie again and she finally got hold of her.. What a relief.. She had no idea who the poor girl belonged to, but she could tell she was well taken care of: clipped nails, cleaned teeth and a shiny fur. Stephanie had a good night rest in a warm bed and Super Whippet Woman took her for a walk in the morning. Until she made the phone call to the Animal Shelter CAD..

What a happy ending for a story that could have turned in to a tragedy... Stephanie had crossed the most dangerous intersections of Antwerp, all by her self. She had faced the wild goings of the Sportpaleis in action and she had endured the icy cold. Thank you for bringing Stephanie home, safe and sound. You truly are Super Whippet Woman! Thanks to everybody who helped out looking for Stephanie and spreading the word. You are all amazing!

A barrel full of mixed emotions...

In 2006, people said artificial pancreases (you know, the most ugliest organ in our body that is, among other things, responsible for making insulin) were never going to happen. It was just impossible to have a device regulating your bloodsugar. But here it is!!!! IT IS POSSIBLE!! The man in this video nearly made the tears roll down on my face. THANK YOU SO MUCH! Your story was moving and motivating and encouraging for so many T1 diabetics out there. I think of parents who have young children with diabetes. How they could finally have a good night of sleep or how they would send their child on a summer camp with just one thing to worry about: if they would not miss their parents. No worries about highs and lows, no worries about counting the carbs correctly.

I'm thinking of many of my friends. What their lives would be like if they would have an artificial pancreas. They would no longer get lows at the most inconvenient times. Their numbers would not skyrocket in stressy periods.

It would make life so much easier for T1 women with a baby wish.Do you have any idea what an effort T1 women have to do, to prep their bodies for a possible pregnancy? It takes months of strict dieting and perfect BG numbers, before they can even consider the attempt?

I'm thinking of the students with T1, who would be so happy if they could go out with their friends, have a drink, stay up all night and eat junk food. They wouldn't have to get up early in the morning to check their blood sugar levels and their parents wouldn't have to fear a coma due to an unnoticed hypoglycemia.

Wow... I'm truly flabbergasted.. I want to hug this man and thank him for this positive message. I never realized this news would hit me this hard. I have accepted my diabetes. After all, it's been my partner for 10 and a half years now. I'm not mad I have to count carbs and I can deal with lows and highs. I was a disbeliever of the artificial pancreas, just like so many others. But thank goodness there are people out here, who have faith and knowledge and who are smart enough to make this happen. The fund raising must go on. This device could help 10% of the diabetics out there, to lead a "normal" life. We never asked to be different. We never asked for diabetes. Our pancreas failed on us. I think I am going to put this "smartphone" on my wish list. It would be the greatest gift of all..

Nothin' much

Photo by Lana Joos

Grmbl grmbl.. the monotonous sound of the Kenwood kneading the dough of two buttermilk breads, is comforting. I'm home alone. Monday is my favorite day to roam around the house and get some chores done. Around 8 AM, I made the white carpet in the backyard grind with my rubber boots, while I was stumbling  all the way back there, to feed the chickens and refresh their (frozen) water. Only one peeked through the entrance, but decided not to come out. It's freezing cold and the air is fresh. I love the smell of this early morning. Rebba is too lazy to come out of her cosy bed and join me. Or maybe it's because she is startled I am going out this early to feed the chickens? Inthe wouldn't want to miss a play in the backyard, but it's not going to happen this morning.

By 9:30 AM the towels will be ready to be put into the dryer. I love plenty of warm, soft towels to dry me off when I come out of my shower. I keep my fingers crossed there will be hot water this morning. We have had some problems with the water heater lately. Hubby has installed a new one and he's still working on getting it to operate properly. We have hot water in the kitchen but the bathroom is still a problem. Thank goodness for warm water in the kitchen sink. It's almost nostalgic..

There's not much on my to do list today. I'm thinking about what I can serve my family for dinner tonight. I'm sure Hubby would like black pudding with mash and home made chunky apple sauce, but that's not something the three of us crave. So I need to find a second option for the rest of the family. The mash will serve us all. Maybe some home made burgers and the best onion sauce we call "klittesaus" to go with it? I have carrots and celery and leeks and Chinese cabbage in my fridge as well and there are ripe tomatoes (as far as you can ripen them in wintertime) sitting in a bowl in the kitchen. The grocery list on my BB is getting completed as my mind drifts off to certain recipes. Maybe this afternoon, I could clean out my pantry and feed my family for the rest of the month with pantry staples? I know there's plenty of food in the freezer that could do with a defrost. That is quite a challenge I guess, making a menu with pantry staples. I'll think about it..

Just the way you are

Every day I discover new things about you and your personality. I'm happy with who you are and what you stand for. You're a smart girl and you look gorgeous. You take good care of yourself and spend quite some time in the bathroom. I guess you are ready for a boyfriend and want to show the best of you. You are beautiful just the way you are. There's no need to put on make up. Show your natural beauty and highlight your smile, because when you smile your broadest smile, your eyes laugh and that's irresistible. Boys like girls who are not afraid to be themselves. There's no need to copy someone else. We have seen you go through different stages in puberty. Trying to discover yourself, you try out different styles and attitudes. That one special boy will find you, don't worry. He will be there before you know it. You already have lots of friends, and quite some male friends. They like you sweetie. Don't try too hard. It all starts as being friends...

Listen! Just listen for a change!

I love you. I really do. You are my friend and I like to spend time with you. We laugh and we cry, we cuddle and babble. But oh how do I hate your disrespect when it comes to following up appointments.. I was so looking forward to seeing you and hearing about your life. At the same time, I was dreading and fearing that you would postpone the date or come late or change the hour or place of meeting. It made me nervous and it gave me mixed feelings about the date. I know it's not of any importance to you. You could care less, to be exact. If only we meet, you keep saying. To you, it's not important if we meet at 7 PM or 9 PM. It doesn't matter to you if you postpone a date 4 times for reasons I can't even remember. Reasons I can't remember, because they are nothing but fallacies. You give me the feeling that I am not important to you. You have other priorities. That's okay, it's your life. You can have your own priorities. Can I have mine too?

Yes, it would be nice if we could talk about this and NO, I don't want to talk about it. You always give me a bad feeling when we try to discuss this subject, like I'm some hysterical woman who can't deal with changes in her schedule. It's not about that one single time you choose a different location one hour before we meet. It's about the previous 99 times I waited for you, without avail. I'm just fed up with rearranging my schedule for you. I could care less if I eat at 8 PM or 10 PM, if we meet in this restaurant or another one. That's not the point. The point is, that you don't hear me. You don't respect me. And I give in, every time. I wait in the car for 45 minutes, biting my nails and getting all wound up. I don't want to do this any more. I thought we had an agreement. Why can't you, just for once, keep an appointment the way it was meant to be..

I'm sad. I'm disappointed. You hurt my feelings. I still love you though. I want to spend time with you. I want to slap you in the face, but I would never do so. I have to let go of this aggravation before it starts to eat me. I need you to apologize. I need to hear from you that you are sorry.
Just listen to me. LISTEN TO ME!

A personal invitation

Photo Lana Joos

He puts on his clothes. She's standing beside him, still like a statue. He walks around the table, to get his shoes. She's like a shadow, following wherever he goes.. Rebba is spread out on the couch, pretending to be fast asleep. She's covering her eyes with her front legs. One ear is pointed though, like she doesn't want to miss anything. Inthe is still sticking to Hubby's leg and moves along with every step he takes. He's getting ready to take them for a walk. Inthe is all excited, but she's not jumping over him. She knows what's about to happen. She trusts his rituals and she knows it won't be much longer now before they leave. He puts on her leash and Rebba is still not moving an inch. She's waiting for a personal invitation. After all, she's the oldest and she got here way before Inthe (like 6 months..). "Wanna go for a walk, Rebba?", Hubby asks. She looks up, all excited and she jumps from the couch like she's a one year old puppy. It doesn't take long to put on her leash. They are all set to go. Inthe doesn't look back. Her body is headed in one direction: the front door. Rebba pulls her leash in a desperate attempt to see if I'm coming too. I'm not. This is my quiet time. Hubby does real well. He throws balls on the soccer field for Inthe to catch. He walks around the soccer field numerous times and he then takes them for a longer walk around town. I can't keep up with them. It's my time to take a shower and clean up the clutter in the house. I can rearrange the pillows on the couch for the girls to come home and throw them all over the place again. I know they love these walks. I wish I were better at going along.. Maybe I need a personal invitation too..

Growing up

Tapas Bar Catala - Photo by Lana Joos

The girls are getting taller as we are getting older. One will leave for college in September. Only our little one (who's going to be 16 before we know it) will stay at home for a couple more years. We are lucky that at least one of the girls is still going to live with us. The house would be really empty without children and I will even miss the argy-bargy between the two of them.

7 bridges - photo by Eva Joos

We have done quite some traveling as a family so far. We started to realize that maybe those vacations together are coming to an end. The girls have their own activities and they have friends to do fun things with. Summer holidays also means time to find a job and make some money of their own.
We decided to take the girls on a city trip as a Christmas gift. We both knew they were looking forward to going Amsterdam. There were so many things we wanted to do, but the main goal was shopping. After all, three out of four are ladies.. sorry hubby...

Anne Frank - photo by Lana Joos

Amsterdam was wonderful. Hubby had planned the trip and everything went just well. The hotel was in the center of Amsterdam, giving us the chance to stroll down the Kalverstraat as often as we wanted. Visiting the House of Anne Frank was on our list too. We did see the house.. well.. that is, we saw the facade but we didn't go in. Although all four of us were curious about this historic monument, the line waiting in front and around the corner was just way too long. It was cold and dark and not exactly pleasant to stand there for a couple of hours. We were running out of time.. It was good that hubby already got tickets to do some sightseeing by boat. Yes, I am deeply ashamed that I fell asleep on the boat.. Too much shopping, way too many low diabetic episodes and sore shins made me doze off to another world. I missed most (read: all) of the explanation since I didn't use the headphone.. Sorry! I'm glad you all filled me in on the tour and the meaning of the crooked houses along the canal.

photo by Lana Joos

We had a pleasant stay in this wonderful city with its hundreds of shops! Nevertheless, we took the train to Zaandam to shop some more (the girls just had to go to Primark) and we didn't regret fleeing the bustle of the city for a couple of hours.
If you ever get the chance to visit Amsterdam, grab a bite at Tapas Bar Catala or endeavor a juicy Argentinian steak at Cau. You won't regret the visit.