Reality strikes

I met Suz on Facebook, through a mutual friend. We exchanged several mails and pretty soon, we realized we had so much in common. Suz is Canadian and she got married to her big love, Wilfried, who is half Belgian but lives in Holland. Looking through their marriage album, anyone can tell how happy they were on their wedding day.

Suz and Wilfried came to visit us around Christmas. There was not one minute of silence between us. We discussed recipes and we both spoke our favorite language: English. Wilfried had his coffee and I could see the admiration in his eyes, while observing the love of his life. These two were truly made for each other. You were so excited about your upcoming trip to Canada. You wanted to bring Wilfried along and show him your region. How sad were you, when the C-word came in the picture again and ruined your plans.

I knew about the C-word that had affected Suzy's life. When she told me her back hurt like crazy, she went to see several doctors and therapists. Her worst fear was back... oh Suz.. why? You were so happy with your Wilfried and your furry friends. The way you talked about your kitchen and the Creuset cooked meals for your husband, that really warmed my heart. You had to go back to the hospital. Things weren't going well, but you were courageous and determined and Wilfried was the most supportive man. Nearly every day, you posted a picture of you in the hospital, on Facebook. You wanted us to know how you were doing. People from all over the world supported you and we loved seeing how you continued to take care of yourself. Wilfried brought your own pillow cases, so you would feel at home. You found the energy to put on bright lipstick or make some decorative element in your hairdo. We loved your hats and you wore them like a queen!
You were so sorry to loose your hair again, but proud as you were, you could put that pride aside and take off your blonde wig. That's you, Suz. Just the way you are: nothing to hide. Your inner beauty is plenty. It made us forget the baldness. You were very good at staying strong and keeping your calm although your inner fear must have been so big. We all knew how much you loved Wilfried. You saw his sadness and you didn't want him to suffer..

I hadn't read much from you in the last two weeks. You didn't post any pictures and you didn't write down your thoughts. That was worrisome. When Wilfried posted some updates, we all realized things weren't going right. Your energy levels were dropping and you were getting sicker.

Today Wilfried had to make the most difficult decision ever. Medication was not kicking in and the doctors had told him there was not much left they could do. I'm so happy Suz had talked this over with Wilfried. The doctors have put Suz in a deep sleep, to make sure she won't have any more pain. It might be a matter of days. This is so sad, but it's the last Wilfried can do for his lovely wife. What a brave man. What a brave couple. Don't be sad, he says. It has been enough. Suz is done fighting. She needs peace now..

Dear Suz, I had no idea this would affect me so much. One moment, you were sitting around my coffee table. Now you're in a deep sleep. We didn't have time to say goodbye. I don't want to say goodbye. I want to read you, I want to see your pictures and your wonderful smile. I want to see your hairbands and your lipstick and I want Wilfried to polish your toenails. You're done fighting Suz. You have done so much, but there's nothing more you can do. You are loved by so many and so is Wilfried. Your love will always remain.. Then why is there this ugly lump in my throat?

Your wedding picture says: All I want to do, is grow old with you.. I'm so sorry for the both of you. May 2012 was such a great month for you both. I'm so happy you finally got to marry this wonderful man... Keep an eye on  him, Suz. I'm sure you will inspire many people from wherever you are..

R.I.P. Suz lost this valiant battle May 23.. 

Let's talk about

you and me.

us.

Let's listen to

you and me.

us.

Let's hug.

you and me.

us.

Let's kiss.

you and me.

us.

Changing overnight

Last night, you were just 43 and this morning you turned 44. Just like that! Isn't that strange, that in a snap of your finger, you age one year?

Too bad you have to work today. Keeping that in mind, we treated you in a restaurant this Thursday. Just the 4 of us. You said you didn't want a birthday party. Maybe when you're 50. But not just yet.

You were a little surprised when we handed over your birthday present. The three of us thought it would be nice to get you a new car for your birthday. But since that is a pretty personal gift, we gave you a certificate to pick out your own car. You spend quite some time in your car, driving to Brussels to go to work and although your car is still in good shape, you wouldn't mind trading it in for a newer example. I'm pretty sure you'll stick within the same brand, since BMW is your favorite. You'll make a good choice, no doubt. Although you say that you really don't need a new car, we'll join you to the carshop and help you make the best choice.

Happy Birthday Hubby! Happy Birthday Daddy!

Difficult divorces

You won't find that many children looking forward to their parents getting a divorce. Children like to be loyal to both parents and that works best if they stick together. That doesn't mean they have to live together, but it makes it easier if they can still walk through one door.

Several friends of mine are divorced or separated. Apparently it's very difficult for either parent to have a healthy bond with their ex. After all, there's a reason or a number of reasons why they decided not to spend the rest of their life together, right? If there are no children involved, it's only a material matter. But if the couple shares a child or several children, things are a whole lot more complicated. There are so many situations where the children suffer the most. It is sad, you know. People communicate with one another through their children, hoping they will let the other parent know their discomfort. It's not very adult like to act like this, but it happens all the time. Sometimes I wonder why ex partners decide to make the other's life miserable. Shouldn't they be happy that they finally split up? Why not hope for the best for their ex? People are complicated..

Take a parachute and jump

The title may sound a little macabre, but that's what crossed my mind in the murder of Els Van Doren. Four years ago, her life ended abruptly when her last parachute jump ended in tragedy. Someone slit parts of her parachute, causing her death that may now be considered murder. Els Van Doren was married and had 2 children. She allegedly had a 5 year affair with Marcel Somers, another member of the parachute club. Every weekend, she went to Holland, where she would spend time with her lover. During the week, she was the loving mom and wife at home.

Els Van Doren had a friend. They didn't only share the same first name: Els, but they shared the same boyfriend as well. Els Van Doren didn't know about the other mistress but the latter knew her lover was involved with her best friend as well. She had a hard time dealing with that love affair. She tried to spend as much time with Somers as her friend did. He slept with one on Saturday and with the other on Sunday.

Who planned the murder on Els Van Doren and even more important: who killed her? The media have already made up their mind. In every paper, we read about the sangfroid of Els Clottemans. The jealousy of the other woman.. In fact, she's been convicted before her trial even started. But how about Marcel Somers? Didn't he have a motive? Maybe he was fed up with both women? He surely tries hard enough to badmouth Els Clottemans and point towards her as the murderer. That's probably not how he thought of her when she was in his bed?
Maybe Els Van Doren wanted to stop their affair and that was not something Marcel Somers wanted to hear? An anonymous letter reached the courthouse, stating that Marcel - in a drunk mood - confessed that Els Van Doren had to die, because she wanted to leave him. If he couldn't have her, nobody could. He would have said that the free fall would eventually take care of it. It's up to the court now, to check the whereabouts of the letter and the sincerity.

And how about the husband of the deceased? Did he really not know his wife had an affair for 5 years? How come he didn't mind her spending every weekend away from home? Did he know after all and did he plan her death?

It's a mystery and only the killer knows the answer. To be continued..

The Belle of the ball

high heels..

You looked ravishing in your cream colored, strapless wedding gown.. You were very elegant and feminine and girly, but still very natural. You wore that dress like you had never worn anything else. It suited you perfectly well. Your husband was very handsome as well. A very nice couple, I must say. And the wedding was pretty original too. We loved the ceremony. You have very good friends, you know! They must have put a lot of work in it, to make that ceremony that special. I'm happy they did, because it was worth it.

What a different location you picked for the wedding party. We were invited on a boat to have dinner with you, your family and your friends. It was nice to get to know your other friends. You and your sisters look pretty much alike, although you are very different at the same time. Dinner was excellent and surprising too. Unique, like the two of you!

My friend and I came in little black dresses and super high heels! We had a great time! We chatted with your friends and danced to the music. We enjoyed a cool breeze on the deck of the boat, over a cold glass of wine. Thanks for having us.. have a wonderful honeymoon in the US! Hope to read about your adventures on your honeymoon blog!

An Oh my Gosh moment

Six more days until you and your "sheep" are getting married.. I'm nervous for you. I know I shouldn't be, because the two of you go together like salt and pepper, so there's no need to worry. For the first time, I'm looking forward to attend someone's wedding. Really! I'm anxious to see you!

You and your fiancé are still looking into writing your wedding vows. Wow.. I'm impressed. You have really thought things over and you are serious about it. Pretty soon you are going to be Mrs instead of Miss. How about that? Strange huh? But you'll get used to it real fast. I wonder if you will remain your maiden name or present yourself as Mrs Husband's name.. ? That feels special. At least, that's how I feel it.

It's like getting an upgrade. You will become members of a different group of people: the wedded ones. So many people around us get divorced and still, the two of you have decided to give it a shot and go for it. And I must say: I admire you for that! You are best friends with your partner and you love each other deeply. You communicate well and you spend a lot of time together. Communication is so important and so is the humor in your relationship. I know the two of you have a great time, cooking side by side or telling each other anecdotes. That's a very good base for a lifelong marriage.. I'm happy for you xx

Can't be tamed

I'm not the easiest person to live with. I'm very aware of that. It's possible that I can't be tamed. I try to be as independent as possible. I cannot imagine another life for me. So many women have to ask their husband's permission to do whatever they want to do. That is mostly a one way direction, meaning, the husband does not ask the wife's permission for his outings. I'm not used to asking permission. My husband is not my parent after all. In a relationship, partners are supposed to be equal. I don't claim you cannot discuss things and compromise, but as far as that goes.. It would really startle me, if one day, hubby would prohibit me from doing something. I don't know how I would react..

Unthinkable

The unthinkable happened: you quit smoking. May 20th 2010 will be a day to remember. That is the exact date you convinced yourself you don't need to smoke. You are taking classes and you really need that back up. You have support in that group, people who know what you are going through, because they're on the same wagon. It's good that you have found that method. You have tried to quit before, on your own, or by using medication. Every time you started smoking again after a certain amount of time. But this time, I have the feeling it's going to be different. Maybe because you finally convinced yourself it's better for you? I'm proud of you, for making this huge decision.

Wowi Kazowi

5 - 5 - 1995 and 5 - 5 - 2010

We have been married for 15 years. How could we ever forget how many years we have been married? In that same year, our oldest daughter was born.

So we only need to remember how old she is.

It was a sunny day back then. We went to the City Hall to get married. It was no big deal, just filling out the formalities. I remember us going to the City Hall to set a date to get married. The clerk asked us what date we had in mind. We didn't have a date in mind. What date did she have available? She said May 5th. That was about 3 weeks later.. But we agreed that would be our wedding date. Only years later, we would notice what a great date that was: 5 - 5 - 95.

After signing the book, we went out for lunch.
There we were..

Mr and Mrs J. .. and their little baby girl..

I like to look back at that day. I remember what we looked like.

I was 24, hubby 28 and Lana was just 1.5 months old.

She can say she attended our wedding, although she doesn't remember it.

Happy 15th Anniversary Hubby.

A definite maybe

I have been looking forward to this day. For so many times, you have promised us to quit smoking. I know it's hard to give up cigarettes if you have been smoking for nearly 30 years. But we know you can do it. Just think of the consequences if you don't. You hate being sick. Getting the diagnose lung cancer would be more than you could handle. You would die just hearing that diagnose. So don't tempt it, okay? Health is so important. We are nowhere without. Money can't buy everything. Health is partially genes, partially good luck, but a big part of it lays in our hands. It's our job to take care of ourselves. It's our job to nourish our temple and keep it safe.

The intention is there. The payment for the quit-smoking-guidance has been done. The dates have been set and you have had the time to prepare yourself. We're ready to catch you. Are you ready to go through with it? Is it a definite maybe? You're not a quitter. This time though, you have to quit! Quit smoking I mean. Keep up!

You can make a difference

I'm really puzzled. Many couples amongst my friends have divorced or separated. Some couples I would agree they'd better separate. If they have done everything they could to make their relationship work and there's still no improvement, it's better to call it a quit. If only things were that easy..

My heart bleeds when I hear the story of separated parents or parents in the midst of breaking up. How they no longer grant the happiness of their former spouse. How they badmouth their ex. How they refuse to see the children, just to get back at her. How she steals away his right to see the children, because she wants to make him pay for cheating on her.. It's sad. It really is. Because in the end, it leaves all people involved with an overall unhappy and frustrated life.

Why is it so hard for people to move on, once they have split up? What's the use in making the other's life so troubled? Does it bring the other back? Not at all. Does it make them feel better to take revenge? I don't think so. Maybe temporarily. Is it hurt ego? Probably. But then why is it mostly the man, who decided to leave his wife, who can't cope with the final decision of being separated? Why can't those men let go, so both of them can start a new life?

People say I would speak otherwise if I were in their shoes. That's possible. I'm glad I'm not in their shoes. We can't predict the future and the "until death do us part" - wedding vows are words I never believed in. We never know what is going to happen or what could come between us. If there are no children involved, things may be easier. My heart goes out to the children of a broken home. Especially those, who have parents that could care less if the other gets hurt or sick. After all, the child is still the product of both these parents. It's not their fault that they look after mom or dad. Imagine hearing on a daily basis what a drag your mom is or what a cheat your father is.. It's so damaging..

It's heartbreaking that people, who once loved each other deeply, are now ready to emotionally and/or financially bankrupt the other half. Refusing to pay child support is only to get even with their former partner. It's not the children's fault, so why pretending they are no longer yours? Take it or leave it, but even after separating, the children will always be your children. Even if they get stepparents. You will have to trust that stepparent with your child, so you'd better come to terms with them. Scolding the new partner in front of the kids and then sending your kids over there to spend the weekend, is not very exciting for your children. After all, they will spend quite some time in that new household. The separation of their parents is traumatic enough. Don't give them a new trauma by undermining the position of the plusmom/dad. After all, weren't you happy your partner got out of your life? Then you should embrace his new partner for having him and wish her all the luck.

A babylicious bride

You are getting married!!! I'm so thrilled for you and your fiancé. The two of you make a fantastic pair and I'm so happy for the both of you. I'm glad you are taking the step to become a married couple. I hear that little sheet of paper doesn't really matter, but I think it does.. you will no longer be girlfriend and boyfriend. You will be man and wife...

You showed me a couple of pictures of your wedding dress and I must admit: I was stunned.. you looked ravishing in that dress. I had to blink my eyes to get a tear out of the corner. It was moving, my friend. You looked happy and pretty and surprised and above all: you looked real slim! And isn't that what all brides want: to look their best on the most beautiful day in their life?

I'm looking forward to your wedding day. In 6 months, you will be married. Have you realized that???? I wish you all the best with the preparations. Take your time and don't forget to enjoy the road to happiness.

Body Language

Isn't this hilarious? I thought it was so funny, I just had to blog about it.

Our body speaks so many languages, even when we're sleeping. Just look at this man. He's not aware of his insulin pump trying to tell him something. He's getting some kind of an alarm. He may be experiencing a low or a high. I'm sure his wife is experiencing a low and a high at the same time! lol. She's so irritated! She's probably been through this story over and over again and she's got sick of it. He's not aware of any commotion around him whatsoever. Poor man..

I need the beep sounds on my pump or I miss the alarms. So if I'm asleep and something's vibrating, don't call 911. It's not my pump..

I come with a package deal

When you met me, I had a past. You had your past too. Fifteen years later, we have a joint past. Each one of us comes with a package deal: take it or leave it. We have grown as parents and we are raising two wonderful girls. That is a one of a lifetime experience. Both of our children come with a package deal. Too bad neither one of us comes with a manual. Sometimes it's hard to read one another or understand what's going on in our minds. At some point, I don't even understand what's going on in my own mind. Then again, I'm an open book to most of you. I'm not that hard to comprehend if you take your time to listen to me. Communication is very important. Listening is even more important. I don't always want your advice or a solution. Sometimes I just want to be heard so I can find my own solution.
It would be nice though, if I could read you a little bit better. I would love to Google your manual and download it to read it whenever I get the chance. Because I still want to get to know you better. There's a big part of you I haven't seen yet. I hope one day, you will give me the key to read you.

Square pegs and round holes

Some couples fit like square pegs and round holes. Others are just made for one another. I never believed in love at first sight. I never believed in eternal love. I do believe that every once in a while, the right lid finds the right pot. I also believe those pots and lids are extraordinary and unique. Call it the perfect match. Just think of all those available partners in the world and how hard it must be to find the most perfect mate out there for you. That is like the most difficult thing to do, ever!

I watched Jude Law and Cameron Diaz in "Holiday". What a wonderful and cheesy movie. But hey: they do well together. They do that well, that they should actually be a couple in real life! Or do you think they would no longer match if they would share the every day life of laundry, raising kids, go to work and collapse on the couch at night? Relationships between loved ones are truly heart warming and special. You take time for each other, you go out on dates, you have the best sex ever and there is nothing to worry about. You think you have found that one and unique lid to fit your pot. You want to grow old with this partner. You want to spend the rest of your life with that partner. You want to raise his children and have family dinners on Sunday.

And then you wake up. There is no Jude Law, nor a Cameron Diaz. It's just us. Not that glamorous, not that fancy, not that over-the-top in love. But you do love one another and you have a past together. Maybe you don't spend that much time together as you used to. Maybe you haven't been on a special date lately. I'm not even going to think about the hot sex in the early days.. and of course there are things to worry about and bills to be paid. Maybe they should make a Jude and Cameron movie after being married for 15 years. That would be interesting. I'm sure they would still love one another, for they have shared so many years. Maybe life wouldn't be that exciting any more, and the greedy love may have altered into settled friendship, but they would probably still be together. A little older. A little bit less attractive. Cameron may no longer look like Barbie and maybe Jude has developed a beer belly by then. Their experience in life may have taught them different lessons and their paths may have gone in different directions. But somewhere in the end, their paths can meet again. They can make time for each other. They could go out on dates. They could reinvent getting in love. They could go back to their first month of being together, with the knowledge they have gathered over the years together. Wouldn't that be exciting?

To be continued..

Trying to unravel this ball of yarn

Things can be so complicated. You worry about making the right decisions. You have no idea what the outcome of your decisions will be. But then again, I have made many decisions before, and I'm still here, right? I still have a roof over my head, I have my family and we are fed.
This time, the decision I'm about to make, is just a little bit more complicated. I'm glad to have found competent people to help me make the right choice. They are doing the best they can for me. I know their help is not obvious and it is pretty special that these people put so much effort in me. I really appreciate their attempts and I hope it will have been worth the effort in the end.
In life, people have to make so many choices. Some choices are not life threatening. Choosing between a pair of jeans or a skirt won't kill one. Other choices keep you awake at night and make your mind drift off during the day. After all, I'm not Remi, all alone in the world. I have a family that needs me, I have good friends to hang out with and I have to take care of myself.
I'm still trying to unravel this ball of yarn. It might take some time for us to figure it all out. But hey, I'm a control freak and a perfectionist. So I won't settle for any less.

Love and marriage

We did most things the other way around. We got pregnant within 14 days after we met. We moved house before we were pregnant with our second child. But most of all: I proposed! Yes, you heard me! I asked hubby to marry me! He's not the typical romantic man, sitting on his knees, holding my hand to ask me. So I asked him!

I planned the whole thing in private. I made reservations in a very nice hotel just across the border, in Holland. We went out to dinner in the restaurant of the hotel and all I could think of was: when are we going to go back to our room??? After dinner, hubby wanted to go into the basement, to have coffee and brandy. DUH! What if he got drunk? What if I could not even propose to him, without him falling asleep?

So I convinced him to go upstairs. I asked if he wanted to take a bath before we went to bed. But he said he had already taken a shower and all he wanted to do at that time, was get a good night of sleep. That was not according to plan. Hmhmhm... I had the whole thing set up in the bathroom. The letter, glasses, a bottle of bubbles. I finally suggested he would make me a nice hot bath and so he did..

The moment I will never forget, is when he came out of that bathroom, stunned! Saying: look honey, there's champagne and glasses! Do you think they will charge us for drinking it???

I couldn't help but laugh..! Then he found the letter, burnt corners and tied in a red velvet ribbon. He lay beside me on the bed when he read it. He didn't understand it at first. But then he came back to this world and he couldn't do much else than say YES! For the first time since we met, I saw a tear in his eyes.. It still moves me when I think of it..

No regrets

Today is our 14th anniversary. We got married in church on August 12th 1995. It was not a traditional wedding at all. In fact, the ceremony took no more than 15 minutes. Both our parents wanted us to get married in church although neither of us ever goes to church (funerals and baptisms don't count). But hey, we wanted to please our parents (I can't remember my parents ever going to church??), so we got married in church, in our own way. The ceremony was that short, that my youngest brother-in-law didn't make it to church in time, to see us get wed. In fact, nobody remembered to bring him along..
Because one couple got married the hour before us and another couple was getting married after us, there was a red carpet and loads of flowers in church. So it did feel kind of special after all. I don't remember too much of that day. We didn't have much money to spend. I didn't even have the money to go to the hair dresser on my wedding day. My wedding gown (do you call it a gown, even if you wear trousers? lolz) was too small (I had given birth to our eldest daughter a couple of months prior to the wedding), so I had my zipper open all day.

We had a small reception on the school yard in my husband's hometown and later on that evening, there was a BBQ for the relatives. We couldn't afford anything else. It was easy going and we didn't hear any complaints. Our daughter Lana, who was 5 months at the time, came along (we had no baby sitter as everybody we knew attended the wedding) and she slept all through the party.

My favorite aunt didn't get to spend much time at the wedding. She was rushed into the ER with kidney problems. What a day..

It was great to have hubby's grandfather at the wedding. He danced all night, having the time of his life! He died a couple of years ago. We were really attached and he always joked around.

Apparently, outer appearance isn't important after all, because we are still married right? So I guess we are doing pretty well and I have no regrets about this marriage.

Move along

It wasn't easy. But you are moving on. You turned 50 and you decided it was time to make your own life, your own truth, fullfil your own dreams. You are an intelligent woman. You are a great mother. You are a wonderful friend. Sometimes you are my own private therapist. You are creative, you are eloquent, you are a teacher. But most of all: you are a very loving person, with an open mind and a true friend..

You have moved. You've met someone. The two of you understand one another and you get along real well. It's different. He's not like the man you married a long time ago. You and him are on the same level in life. That's important to you. I'm sure you will always love your ex-husband, because of the time you spent together and because of the son the two of you raised. He will always be part of your life. So it is possible, to move on, have a new relationship and still keep in touch with your ex. That's because you are so open and liberated and because you are not crossed with your ex and neither is he. I'm glad for all of you, that things are working out just fine! You deserve it!

You invited me into your new home.. I was stunned by the possibilities the house has. What instantly hit me, getting out of the car, was the silence. I heard nothing. It's so peaceful where you live. Your neighbors were looking at me, passing by, like they had never seen a car before. Your lovely garden is so inviting, with the little table in front. That's where you and your friend have breakfast when the sun is out, right under one of the apple trees.

We picked fresh and juicy raspberries, had magenta blackberries and for the first time, I had home made apple ginger jelly. Too bad I missed your friend's rain shower!

We had lunch together. I brought my home made B'Stilla and we made a salad to go with that. You are a true organic food lover and you always introduce me to things I have never had before.

You're happy.. and that makes me happy too.