So not fair!

When you told us about the Comenius Student's Exchange Program, I was delighted you wanted to apply. Yes! our firstborn was going to explore different horizons and spread her wings out abroad to indulge some culture and differences in life. Not many students are allowed to go, you said. And you needed to write an exquisite letter to convince the principals of your motivation and goals. That was not an issue to you. When you let me read your letter, I was gobsmacked by your intelligence, your language skills and perseverance. Wow.. Your letter was persuasive enough to take the next step: the interview with the principals of your school and the Comenius Board. They asked for good school results (you're an excellent student), impeccable behavior (we know you and apparently your principals share our opinion of what impeccable behavior should look like) and an enlightened motivation why they should choose you to attend their exchange program. You were nervous (who wouldn't be?) although you did a great job preparing yourself for the interview. Coming home, you told us about the jury and the long wait before they would announce the chosen ones.

Right before Spring break, you were called into the principal's office. She had news for you, concerning the project. Like we had expected: you were among the better candidates and as so, they had chosen you to go abroad for 3 months, to go live with a host family in either Italy, Spain or Luxembourg. There was one inevitable obstacle though.. there were not as many vacancies as promised earlier in the contest. Leaving you out of the program for now... Holy macaroni! You were devastated, heartbroken and disappointed. For all these months, you had set your eyes on this adventure. We were all so convinced you were going to make it and not one single time had I doubted your application to the program. What a bummer.. Saying that it had nothing to do with you, didn't help. You are not going. Period. To you, that's all that matters. It's a shattered dream. A dream you really wanted to chase.

We won't give up yet. If one of the chosen ones decides not to go, drops out of school or ends up with bad school results at the end of the school year, you will be the first one to replace him or her. I know it's not of any comfort to you, but there's not much more we can do right now. Do not despair yet, okay? Keep on dreaming your dream and have faith that things will work out for you. I'll keep my fingers crossed that a host family will be found and that some school out there is looking forward to having you as their exchange student.

How long

Do you have activities planned you are looking so forward to, that you can't wait for them to happen?

When the children were younger, they would sit in the back of the car, asking how much longer it would take to get wherever we were headed to. Not being able to read the clock or estimating distances, must be hard. Being an adult, we know about time and distances. Does that make the longing go away easier? What have you been longing for lately? Anything in particular? An event? A meeting? A special day coming up? Are there appointments you are so looking forward to, that it makes the days go by way too slow? Wishing you could wipe out a week or two, so the longing wouldn't be that difficult?

I'm not a dreamer. I don't dream about the future or things that might happen. I live in the moment and enjoy the day as it comes. But sometimes I do wish time would go a bit faster. Sometimes I wish I were somewhere else..

Photographs and memories

Photographs and memories
Christmas cards you sent me
All that I have are these
to remember you..

Summer skies and lullabies
Nights we couldn't say goodbye
And of all the things that we knew
Not a dream survived

Photographs and memories
All the love you gave to me
Somehow it just can't be true
That's all I have left of you..

I used to have my own little treasure box, where I would safe keep my memories of former boyfriends. It came with a lock and a tiny key. It held all of my movie theatre tickets (not that I had that many), a plastic ring (given to me by a very shy young man in France at the age of 13), a cigarette butt (gosh, you all know how I hate cigarettes but I treasured that butt for the lips that had touched it), love letters, a candy wrapper, a pants knot that came off while making out, ..

Over the years, more memories found their final destination in my little treasure box. Pictures were added, love letters got torn and taped back together, an engagement ring got polished before I trusted it to sit by my other memories.

We lived together and had a passionate but at the same time very disturbing relationship. You were so jealous, lacked so much confidence. One day, you found my little treasure box under our bed. You frantically searched the apartment for the key, that you couldn't find, since it was sitting on my key chain I had in my purse. It didn't keep you from forcing the lock and scattering the contents of the box out on the bed. You went through all of my personal memories, my own private belongings. It broke my heart when I came home and found pictures to be torn in two, separating male and female on the portrait. You threw out what was of no meaning to you, but very dear to me. Memories that could never be replaced. I cried silent tears. You took away part of my past and you couldn't comprehend the importance of your deeds. You had no idea the handkerchief in my box was yours. Whenever you weren't around, I would hold it in my hands at night in bed to be closer to you. The handkerchief got burned in your rage.

The actual objects may no longer be available, but the memories will never fade. Because that's what memories do.. They stay with you for the rest of your life. But I wish I could have my treasure box back and go through all those little items, for I assume I must have forgotten some after all..

The giggles

I don't know what it is, but I've had the giggles so many times lately. One night, with my friends at the diabetes pub, I had the giggles non stop. I couldn't help myself, but tears were rolling down my cheeks, just from giggling at .. well... if only I knew. Honestly, for no reason at all, I started to giggle and I just couldn't stop. It was kinda embarrassing and contagious too, I guess, since some of the others joined my giggling. Seriously! or maybe not that seriously, since giggling has nothing to do with being serious. It's spontaneous and funny and hilarious at times, but certainly not serious.

I love those giggles. They make me feel alive. They warm my heart and make my eyes sparkle. It's so good to be able to laugh and enjoy the good things in life. There's plenty of sadness and sorrow in the world. Let's make it a better place, by showing a glamourous smile and shiny eyes in a wonderful session of joy and laughter. Wanna join in?

I wanna, I wanna..

I wanna go to the beach and be lazy in the sun..
I wanna go for a ride in a convertible and crank up the music..
I wanna shop till I drop..
I wanna lay in a meadow and have a picnic..
I wanna share a cherry cookie dough ice cream..
I wanna go to an amusement park and have the time of my life on the highest rollercoaster, screaming my lungs out..
I wanna make some more fresh pasta..
I wanna kiss and cuddle..
I wanna I wanna I wanna I really wanna zigazig ah..

You make me wanna cry

You are so sensitive, so fragile, so delicate. Your heart is big when it comes to loving and caring, but so small and easily bruised. It has been damaged numerous times before. I just want to hold you and let you feel loved. I feel your sadness and it affects me too. It makes me wanna cry, because I live your grief.

It's painful when people get hurt and nobody's there to comfort them. I know the feeling, because I've been there. Out of experience, I know what it feels like to be sad and emotional and not have a shoulder to lean on. You feel lost and all alone, although the people around you have no idea. Not because they don't care, but because they can't see. They can't read you and they don't sense your grief. It takes one to know one. Is it a sixth sense to feel your hurt? Maybe.. or maybe it's because we relate so well. Maybe because we understand each other. Or maybe because we talk so much. Whatever it is, I want to let you know, you're not alone. Never again. There will always be someone to take care of you and make you feel welcome and loved. Because that's the least you deserve. Loving someone doesn't cost a dime, but it's priceless.

What's love got to do with it?

Everything! It's so obvious that you love her deeply. The way you look at her, says it all. The two of you have been a couple for over one year now and you're still madly in love. It's a pleasure to have you over. I hope you feel welcome here. You're a decent young man and you treat our daughter with respect. Your last months in highschool are coming to an end. It will be kind of awkward for our daughter to not have you around in school. You take the same bus every morning and every now and then, you visit us after school. I love to cook dinner for you. You appreciate my cooking and it's a pleasure to see you have second and third servings. Thank you for loving our daughter. You make her happy..

Gastronomy

It had been ages since we ate as well as that night in Voorschoten, Holland. Not expected, but nevertheless thrilled about the outcome. Upstairs restaurant welcomed us into their nice decor and the staff made us feel at ease right away. They pampered us with delightful creations. I was so happy and excited with this menu and so was my blood glucose. For the first time in my diabetes career, I went out to dinner and my numbers did not flip all the way. Not at all, they stayed within range all night even though we indulged and had more to eat than we normally do. That is what gastronomy does to me. Not many carbs, low fat but still very tasty. I would love to go back and have second servings. I appreciate good food and honest produce. My taste buds have been spoiled. I'm looking forward to visiting this place again.

I'm still standing

When you started highschool in Bruges, you never thought it wasn't going to be for the upcoming 6 years. Pretty fast, you had a whole bunch of friends. Being in boarding school, gave you the chance to really get to know one another. There was always a peer to talk to, a friend to turn to when things weren't going that smoothly and you had an older student to look after you whenever you felt homesick. You looked stunning in your uniform, stockings pulled up to your knees and a short blue skirt. You had a wonderful time in boarding school and it was painful for you to leave your friends behind. The whole class split and several girls attended other schools that next semester. So did you.. You had no idea what to expect...

You have been doing real well in school. There are different best friends now. They are wonderful young girls and you have great fun together. Friends are important to you and you have proven to be a good friend to them, taking care of them whenever they are sick, making sure their study material is up to date. The last few weeks have been hard on you, since you're doing your exams. Something you didn't have to do in boarding school. You struggled a bit to find out a new method to study, but you're doing just fine now. In the morning, you have your exams and in the afternoon you're supposed to come home and study. But you decided otherwise: you're staying in school to prepare your exams for the following day. Too much distraction at home, you say. I'm proud of you for choosing what's best for you. I'm sure your report card won't disappoint us. You are a good student. Hang in there girly. It's almost time to relax and have fun!

Bad timing

Okay, I confess: low blood glucose never comes in handy. In fact, low blood glucose sucks. Big time. Especially if that low is dangerously low. Numbers like 32 or even 24 mg/dl. Those are the lows you'd really rather not have. If the number is still higher than 50, to me that hypo is solved easily and the symptoms aren't that bad. Below 40, things become a bit trickier. My mind definitely lacks sugar at that time, resulting in poor thinking and not being aware of what's going on. You walk around like a zombie, not knowing how to solve that low, although there's a small can of regular soda in your purse and a candy roll - sitting in your pocket - is poking your thigh. It's probably not a good idea to enter that boutique and gather some blouses and shirts, before you take them to the check register. The cashier is friendly and asks you if you were able to find everything alright. You nod, but you have no idea what she's talking about. Using your credit card is no issue, but it's a shame you don't notice the bill is not correct. Those blouses were on sale.. the cashier forgot to deduct the discount. That's when the other comes in handy. To point out the mistake and feed you some sugar. To let you know you will be okay. To help you come out of that terrible low.. and keep your finances well balanced.

Cucina principessa

That's what you call me... cucina principessa..

I love to spend time in my kitchen. Whenever the smell of food mounts its way to your floor, you rush down the stairs to see what's cooking. You love to eat and it's wonderful to see you enjoy a good plate of home made food. Your sister has this special sense for recognizing herbs and spices. As soon as she opens the front door, she can tell what I'm cooking or what ingredients I'm using. I find that very interesting and it keeps amazing me. I'm glad both of you are interested in cooking and food and both you girls know how to cook simple but tasty meals.

We have been away for 3 days and you girls were home alone. No parents, no dogs, just the two of you. And you did well, cooking your own meals and washing up afterwards. I'm proud of my ladies.

Unexpected but highly appreciated

It's not even been 6 months since we got to meet each other. Pretty soon after we started talking, we arranged a lunch date. And another one.. and another one. And our lunch dates became lunch and dinner dates, since the babbling is never finished. We say we connect, and that's exactly how I experience our friendship. Because that's what we are: good friends. I'm looking forward to seeing you tomorrow, for yes, another lunch date. A special one, since today is your birthday and I would like to give you a warm hug and your birthday kisses in person. You're coming over to my region this time. It's been too long since we last met (last month I guess - LOL) and we have so much to talk about. Make sure you have nothing else planned buddy. Let's spend some quality time together. Happy Birthday Mr Shoeman xx

Don't you remember?

Seventeen years ago, you opened your mouth and screamed your first sound on this planet. Just one day after your cousin was born, you decided to join her. What a delight to have two little babies in the family at the same time. The two first grandchildren (of nine) for my inlaws. It was a shame though, that I never got to visit you in the hospital, since I was taking care of my own little girl in a different hospital. But ever since, we meet up regularly and you and your cousin get along just fine. It hasn't always been like that. As toddlers, you weren't the best of friends, competing with one another. But the two of you made up and now you are good friends. Sometimes you even go out together and it's charming to see how you chaperone your cousin to the car, when it's time for me to pick her up.

Happy Birthday dude. I can't call you boy or kiddo and you're not a grown man either, so I'll call you dude, okay? You're a wonderful young man.

Take your time

Take your time to grow up... Life is full of excitement and challenges are peeking around the corner. What more could you wish for, than spend the last couple of days in London, UK? You were so excited about this school trip, that you have talked about it for months in a row. It felt kinda awkward though, to let you get on that bus to Calais, where you and your school mates would catch the train to the UK. A bus full of young children crashed in a tunnel in Switzerland, just this week. No less than 22 school children and 6 adults lost their lives. It's devastating and scary.. The whole country is mourning and the pain in our hearts is not even bearable. But life and love is about letting go. We must have faith that you will be okay. There's not going to be any accident or awful news. You will come home and tell us all about your journey abroad. That's what we promised ourselves..

Happy birthday sweetie. You turned 17 today. That seems like a very long time, but then again, it's like it was only yesterday when you entered this world. So pure, so innocent, so perfect. You have become a wonderful young lady. We love you honeybun. xx

Premonition

I have this gut feeling that Spring is starting to show its true colors. The day our chickens laid their first perfect egg of the year, brought me joy and happiness. It was smaller than the eggs they normally lay, but nevertheless, it was tasty and fresh. Daffodils are sprouting from the soil that is being warmed up by weak sunbeams. Little birds are twittering (or should I say tweeting to be hip?) their songs early in the morning, hesitant but still noticeable. That is, if you are willing to listen to them. I love this time of the year. Leaving the dark winter days behind, we can look forward to new life being born. We desperately need more sunlight. Vitamin D is so important for our well being. Our innerself needs this boost to keep going. We lack so much sun in our country, that our oldest daughter keeps saying she will move abroad.

I'm on the look out for Mary and her little lamb. I love Spring. Everything is so new and fresh and hopeful. The sun will brighten our mood and warm our hearts. You're more than welcome, my most favorite season of all.

Don't worry about a thing

This is what I would like to say: don't worry about a thing.. but I'm taking some time off from this blog. No particular reason. I'll be back before you know it.

I know your ways

You and I are so much alike... we have similar features and our humor is not always to be understood by others. My little girl looks after me and in that knowledge she looks after you too. It was good to hug you and kiss your cheeks and tell you how much you are loved. You are very special to me. Good days or bad days, you have always welcomed me into your home. Driving home from highschool, I would stop by your house first. There was always a hot cup of tea for me and you were anxious to hear about my week. It felt like coming home..

I'm so proud of you. When you told me your HbA1c had dropped to this very acceptable 5.4%, my heart got filled with pride. There is not one day you don't go outside to take a brisk walk. It's paying off. Following the guidelines of your endocrinologist and dietitian, you are doing so much better than a couple of years before. We talked about your mom today. How she died at the age of 58. The exact age you are now. Can't imagine what it would feel like to lose you. Having chosen you as the godmother of our oldest daughter, you will always have a special place in our hearts. I see how you look at my children with deep love and interest. You ask them about school, their friends and their special friends. You enjoy their stories and you love to cuddle us. That's what moms do.. and that's what you are to me: my own mammie... xxx

Obviously

We all have our flaws and our limitations in life. It's interesting to find out what ours are.

I have two sisters-in-law who are very interested in living a healthy life. They work out, eat healthy food and are working on their innerself as well. They don't live their healthy lifestyle to loose weight, no. They don't even need to loose weight. They are convinced that eating healthy food will nourish their body the way it's supposed to be nourished. It's interesting to share opinions and recipes.
One sister-in-law is eating low carb and it's paying off. She feels so much better since she eats more veggies and less carbs. No more stomach troubles and plenty of energy.
The other sister-in-law is taking it even a step higher. She even works in a company that produces and distributes vegetarian produce. After her working hours, she goes to evening classes to become a health consultant. She's doing real well and living healthy is beneficial to her.
I learn a lot from both ladies. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with me!

Rise and shine

It could be my motto in life: rise and shine. I like positive thinking and I like to move on. Life is too short to dwell over missed opportunities or unhappiness. Does that mean I'm always chipper and exuberant? Don't I have any off days, where I would love to stay in bed and not budge an inch?  I do.. trust me, I do.

Lately, I've had several conversations on this subject, with as many people. Friends who are close to me, know me better than that. They know I'm not always that outrageous and joyful. Just like the rest of you, I have my weak moments. I dislike those weak moments though.
I don't like the sun hiding behind dark clouds. Bright sunlight has my preference over cloudy, rainy days. People are counting on me. I'm good at cheering up others and it fills my heart to pay others a visit if they are in need. But who keeps me safe?
Where's my shoulder to lean on? That's when this difficult question pops up: do I allow myself to fall apart and cry my heart out..? I think not. I'm afraid I won't be able to crawl back up if I do. We should all have a shoulder to cry on. Ever heard the song: Cry me a river? If you have, you will know where I'm headed to.

There are plenty of friends who will lend me their shoulder. There are good friends who will catch me whenever I might trip. I have a couple of phone numbers I can call at any time, even in the middle of the night. That's a comforting thought, although I doubt I would ever dial those numbers. I don't want to be a burden to anyone. You can come and tell me about your troubles in life and I'll give you a hug and a reassuring tap on the shoulder. It's more than okay to let me know how you feel. If only I could be my own best friend, it would make things a whole lot easier. If only I could sleep a bit more... I'm tired..

Nothing new under the moon

Things are going the way they are going. Nothing spectacular happening. Just the usual daily household, you know what it's like. No real excitement. A bit of cleaning, some dusting, maybe some baking as a distraction. There are no particular outings planned or excitement to look forward to. Just me and the dogs, at home, relaxing and getting some chores done. Life can't always be as exciting, right?

Il y a vraiment du metier ici

It won't come as a surprise, if I tell you that I love to cook. Not just the cooking part, but reading recipes, tracking down special ingredients, making preparations in the kitchen, thinking about a logic menu choice.. it's all part of the fun. Imagine my happiness, when being in 's Hertogenbosch, Holland, we visited a cookshop and I ran in to this product I had last bought on the Net. It was a bottle of true vanilla bean paste and it's nearly impossible to find around here. The product is being imported from the exotic Madagascar. I was happy as a child around Christmas with my bottle of vanilla bean paste. I will treasure it and use it sparely.

Seeing that pumpkin and a container of ricotta in my fridge, I decided to make some more ravioli. Coloring the pasta dough with saffran, it came out beautifully well. It would definitely match with the orange filling. The ravioli's are to be cooked first, before you fry them in a shallow pan in a bit of browned butter. Add plenty of freshly grated nutmeg and serve with Parmesan cheese on the side. What a fulfilling task that was. I'm proud of me. I'm proud of what I do and the food I serve. It fills me with joy to see how well the result was. I have put a lot of effort in it and it was worth it.

I struggle to understand

It was nice to shake hands and be welcomed into your office. You were friendly and we had some small talk before I popped my question. You were happy with my HbA1C, that has been lower than 7% for the last 1.5 year. I'm happy with my number too, but I worry about the standard deviation. Having a blood glucose of 45 and one of 450 in one day, is not exactly motivating. It wears you out and you feel like crap. The problem is: I have too many fluctuations in my blood glucose. There's this one book I like to follow, when it comes to diabetes treatment and that is Pumping Insulin. A standard deviation of 50 or lower, helps you prevent complications in later life. Think kidney failure, blindness, amputations of limbs. I'm an optimist, I really am, but when it comes to complications, I'd rather prevent than treat them.

You understood my question about CGM. I told you about my black out in the beginning of February. Yes, I know that is not hypo unawareness. And no, I'm not pregnant. Because those reasons are more or less acceptable if you want to apply for CGM. I do have several low blood glucose numbers a day and sometimes I don't sense them, ending up in trouble. CGM would help me prevent that. You get warned that your blood glucose is dropping rapidly or getting way out of line.

You said you wanted to discuss my application with your colleagues. That's a good idea, I assume. We'll have another get together in April. In the meantime, I'll poke my fingers 10 times a day, like so many of my friends do..

Let's call it a date

I set this date just three weeks ago. Because I definitely wanted to see him. Our next date was too far off and I needed a good conversation. It couldn't wait till May, so I scheduled a new date.

He's tall and blond and Dutch. Absolutely not the kind of man I would date. He's my endocrinologist. And what I'm gonna ask him today, will be a tough question. I would really like to convince him of the profits CGM (Continuous Glucose Monitoring) could bring me. I have my eyes set on the Dexcom sensor, in combination with my Accu-Chek Combo insulin pump. I hope he will have time to hear me out. He's a good doctor and we get along. CGM is still at own expense and since it is very expensive, I'm looking for a way to get it reimbursed after all. And I'm getting there... if only the CGM is prescribed by my physician. So Please Doctor R.. try to reason with me and help me get through to the doctor who's investigating my medical file. It would be the present of the year..

Comme d'habitude

One week off from school.. it was a busy week nevertheless. Many outings, lots of friends that came over to the house and quite a bit of lazy time. Today school has started and things have gone back to normal rapidly. There's laundry to be ironed, floors to be mopped. The kitchen cabinets would like to be rinsed down and maybe I should sponge out both refrigerators. Cleaning house is not my favorite part of the job, but it needs to be done. I prefer nobody to be around so I can pick out my favorite music and crank up the volume. Let's go for it and get some work done!

There's a side to you that I never knew

Last night, I was flabbergasted.. My hair dresser invited me to a night out with his friends. He asked me to dress up and pick him up around 5:30 PM. We went for sushi and wakame before we met the others in a parking lot. Three cars full of happy chaps hit the road on their way to Salons Mantovani in Oudenaarde. A big event was scheduled that same night.

We entered the ballroom and beautiful women with stunning long legs came to greet us and showed us to our tables. I was amazed by their appearance and their elegance. Thinking my high heels were impressive, they were nothing compared to the stilts they were trotting on. Glitter and glamour, layers of foundation and lips covered in lipstick, the girls - like they prefer to be called - loved to flaunt the room and have all eyes set on them.

There were 10 people in our company and we had good seats. Some of our companions are men but like to be called "girls" as well. Men fancying men, men dressing up like women, they were all present and looking their best. One set of people in particular drew my attention. I assume they were father and daughter. She must have been in her very early twenties, he was at least double her age. Presenting himself as a "her" in a tight black dress, a golden chain around the waist in an attempt to hide the potbelly, and a platinum blonde wig, she sat at the table, observing the other girls and waving a curly lock of hair out of her face. Her lipstick was a bit smeared but she was happy.. Her daughter looked a bit confused but at the same time, there was some pride over her dad. I guess she wanted him to be happy, so she accepted that side of him that others probably never see in real life. Maybe he was a construction worker or an accountant, who knows. That night he was a she and his eyes flared at the sight of the other ladies..

Baby-V was the true winner. She was versatile, a great artist and the costumes were exquisite. She had muscular dancers on stage and her presence couldn't go unnoticed. She was not the only winner in the ballroom. So many men out there, who felt at ease, who could finally relax and take a good breath of fresh air, after having spent so many hours dressing up as a she.. It was a special night..

I'm not in a hurry

Today is gonna be one of those lazy days. Haven't slept much (why does low blood glucose keep you out of your sleep?) and being pretty tired, I'm gonna take it easy today. There's laundry to be done and house to be cleaned before I can do what I like to do the most around the house: cook some special meals.

I got myself a new rolling pin. Not just a rolling pin. It's a device to make ravioli. I know I know, I'm hooked to ravioli and finding new fillings to stuff them with, is so exciting to me. The lady on the farmer's market in 's Hertogenbosch, was selling some home made ravioli and one of the choices was beets - potatoes - spring onion. The savory pockets were heart shaped and the beautiful red color of the beets was so attractive, I just have to copy them. I'm not in a hurry, but I'll look out for fresh beets and let my imagination take over..

Just a few more hours..

We spent three days in 's Hertogenbosch, Holland, with our friends. The weather was bearable and the company was exquisite. We like to hang out together and we have fun. Of course there was plenty to talk about and too many shops to visit. We didn't starve either and although we nearly ran out of money, we came home with a carload of shopping bags.

We texted quite a bit. Just to keep in touch. It is unthinkable not to check the Internet. The idea of turning off my cell phone, is just not acceptable. I would really be lost without. I just wanted to keep in touch and enjoy our friends at the same time.

Just a few more hours and I'll be right home to you..
You kept me busy. I was a bit concerned, but at the same time confident that you were okay. It's not the first time we go away and you always seem to cope well.

Nevertheless, it's good to be home. We had a great time and as always, we enjoyed each other's company. But all good stories know an ending and this trip had to come to an end as well. It's been good. Now it's time to come back to reality and enjoy your company..

Life is very short

There are times in our lives, when we come to realize how short life really is. We are not immortal and there is no such thing as living forever. Choices need to be made on a daily basis. What are our priorities? What do we want to do, to make our life and the lives of the people we care for, worth living?

A good friend told me, how important it is to step down and let the other know you care. Showing that you are prepared to make an effort, without any expectations or favors in return. There's a big chance the other will come down some steps as well, to move forward and get a better quality of life. There are so many lessons in life that need to be learned. It's a work in progress. Don't let it be a chore, but something you look forward to. Something your heart tells you to do, without letting your mind interfere...

What a peach!

Photo by Lana Joos

Hey pumpkin...

Just look at you, you little twit. You are having the time of your life. How much you have changed over the past year. Trying to find out who you are, you experiment and you enjoy good times with your numerous friends.

You and I, we are so much alike in so many ways.
I recognize me in you and that's not always easy for you.. Because I know me and I know you, we have our discussions. You are something else, a true challenge, to say the least. Not that you are misbehaving or obnoxious or anything, no. You're no more than a healthy teenager, trying to find her way in life. It's not easy to be a teen. There are so many things you would like to do and having your sister as a role model, you would love to be able to do what she does. Sometimes you forget she's two years older than you, but we remind you in time. Just be you, sweetie. That's the best person you can be and I love you exactly as you are.

We are truly happy to have you as our daughter. We love you very much and you will always be our little girl..

Today you turned 15.. That seems like a very long period of time, but in fact, those 15 years flew by. Where's my little girl, where's my youngest baby gone? I'm proud of you. You're a beautiful young lady. Have a very happy birthday xxx

Photo by Lana Joos

I'm not having this conversation with you

What if you are in to having a conversation with someone and the other person has no intentions whatsoever to take part in that conversation? Then what? Do you insist? Do you withdraw and forget about it or do you prefer to postpone the conversation? I guess it depends on the importance of the talk as well as on the willingness of your companion.

Some people communicate better than others. Not all of us are as talkative and it's no problem to be introvert, as long as you don't give the other the idea you are not willing to talk. Maybe you need more time to think things over. It would be good to let the other know what your intentions are, so frustration doesn't build up. Just think about it..

Mr Cab Driver

What a jerk..

We drove all the way to Antwerp to have dinner at El Warda, a wonderful Moroccan restaurant. The weather was absolutely crappy. I assume all the rain in Belgium was coming down in Antwerp that night..
Dinner was delicious, although my blood glucose wasn't in the same range by far. Numbers like 380 and 408 are not exactly hopeful, are they? Anyway, I had parked my car in a nearby Q-Parking, just one kilometer from the restaurant. Being dressed up and wearing my highest heels ever, I was not looking forward to walking to El Warda. So we took a cab. The cab driver was too interested to know where we came from. Hearing that we were not locals and that we had no idea where the restaurant was located, she took us on a little tour around the area.. That should have rung a bell..

The owner of the restaurant called a cab for us to go fetch the car, since the weather had only gone worse. We rushed to cross the street, hopped into the cab and asked the cab driver to take us to Berchem Railway Station. He turned around, gave us his most nasty look and shouted: are you making fun of me??? We were gobsmacked.. eeeuuugghh??? Excuse me??? Why would we make fun of you?? He was in rage and he had no intentions to take us to our destination, since he was not going to make any money. Oh common please! Had he not seen the weather out there??

With a blood glucose of 408, wearing no more than a sleaveless dress and a light leather jacket (I already mentioned my highest heels), we walked all the way back to the Railway Station. I was truly pissed off.. I felt like a kitten thrown out with the trash.. I was cold and soaking wet and I felt like I had eaten a bag of cotton balls..
I would love to go back to El Warda - despite the high BG - but it will be on a sunny day..

Granny panties

He had three watches on one wrist and two on the other. Tears rolled down his cheeks, telling jokes.
She wore huge white granny panties, made of ribbed cotton. Tears were rolling down her cheeks as well, listening to his jokes. They were a great couple. They had the best fun.

A bag of white and pink marshmallows was never far off. Because she loved marshmallows.. She couldn't eat them, since she had diabetes and back in those days, you were not allowed to have sweets. She didn't care. She had them anyway. She didn't know any better, I guess. Who are we to judge? Back in those days, diabetes treatment was not what it is nowadays. My grandmother had no glucometer. She had urine sticks she could pee on, but they were not very accurate. They gave you an idea of what your blood glucose was like. That's all those sticks did. They didn't tell anyone how to adjust their insulin. There was no warning that came along with the sticks, telling you that marshmallows were not the best choice for you.

You liked to live. You liked to laugh and enjoy life with my grandpa. You died way too young. Diabetes complications, they said. Nobody ever told me what those complications were. What you actually died from. I do remember that we had to miss you way too soon. Grandpa didn't cope well with your passing. He was heart broken and full of grief. All he wanted was to be with you. Not too long after you passed, he joined you. At least, the two of you were together again..

I don't have many memories of you. But I do remember your laughter and the huge panties. They were so, well, so ugly. You wet your panties quite often, laughing out loud with grandpa's jokes.

I'm taking good care of myself. Trying to keep my blood glucose within range. Having you in mind, I'm trying my best to keep the complications out of my life and so far that has worked well. I just wanted you to know that...

I'm on fire

One of the first music tapes I bought, must have been Born in the USA by Bruce Springsteen. I was probably 13 - 14 at the time and Springsteen was really hot in those days. His raw voice and his music made many teen hearts pound faster. We had no access to the Internet at the time - can you imagine there was no such thing as the Internet??? So we had to rely on what we found in the weekly magazines such as Joepie, to understand the lyrics of the songs we liked. We would use scissors and pritt sticks to keep our little treasures together in a scrapbook. Learning the lines by heart, we would remember those songs forever. And I must say: it did work! Singing along with I'm on fire, I came to the realization that I still knew the words by heart. I mean, that's like over 25 years ago and we were still kids back then. I find that remarkable. Is it because there wasn't much else to do than listen to music, that we were so interested in lyrics? Before we had access to Joepie, we would sing along mimicking words without having any clue what the texts were about. That didn't matter though.. we were in the moment and it felt great to sing along with our idols. Springsteen is still hot. A bit older now, but he still has the moves..

Little Miss Popular

It was great to see the big smile on your face, coming home from school with two ruby red roses in your hand.. Not one, but two boys had offered you a Valentine's present, just because they love you for who you are. Isn't that special? I was so happy for you! Even if they're not that one special boyfriend, the gesture made you happy instantly. You are pretty special, you know, and that doesn't go unseen. You get noticed sweetheart! Boys fancy your cute appearance and your personality. And why wouldn't they?

Now tell me something

Frankly, I would like to write 4 blogs today. I like to give each one of you your very own birthday wishes. And I would like to wish my friend the best of luck with her upcoming operation. I'll do my best to keep it brief but from the heart.

This year is going to be a very special year for you.
A special number, a special birthday. You invited us to join you for a shopping trip to Holland. That was really an honor and we're looking forward to spending 3 days with all of you. The prospect of having dinner together in Seventh Heaven, brings me joy. Last time was great and I'm sure this time won't be any different. We're in good company and we always have a good laugh over excellent food, don't we? I know this was not a birthday you wanted to celebrate already, but guess what: to us, you will still be our good friend and you still look your best. Have a very happy birthday, my Phantom...

I have known you for 18 years now. You have calmed down quite a bit since then, although you still work long hours to help out financially. In fact, you should be enjoying life a bit more and work a bit less, but you do what you like to do most. I see a lot of you in your sons. 18 years is a long time and we see each other nearly weekly. I must say: you haven't changed that much over the years. You look pretty much the same and your health hasn't gone bad. We keep our fingers crossed that our children will be able to see their grandpa grow very old, so they can cherish you even longer. Happy birthday, grandpa..

You are not doing so well... Where has the vibrant woman gone.. I wish it were different for you, because you deserve better. Life hasn't been easy on you. Raising three children all by yourself was not a piece of cake. Two came out real well, your middle one is still finding his way in life. That hurts you big time. It keeps your mind busy and it drags you down. Let's hope this year will bring some more sparkling stars in the dark sky you have seen the last months. I'm glad I could give you a hug yesterday. You needed that hug. It was good to have a private talk. Take care my friend.. you're not alone. Have a happy birthday if you can, okay? Do it for you.

Today, on the day of your son's birthday, you'll be in the hospital to have eye surgery. No major operation, but still. Not something one would do by choice, but it was necessary and there were no other options. A second operation is scheduled 5 weeks later. I'll light all the candles in the house for you. You'll be on our mind. Good luck, my friend. We love you. Hope you will see a whole lot better by the next time we meet.

What would you like to accomplish before you die?

For those who read my blog on a regular basis, it will be pretty obvious that diabetes plays a major role in my life. It's part of who I am and many of my friends are diabetics as well. Over the last 10 years, I have tried to educate myself on the subject, by listening to peers, by surfing on the Internet and talking to my doctors and diabetes nurses. I agree that life with D isn't always easy. Not for us diabetics, but not for the people around us either. It's good that them too know what diabetes is about. Okay they will never understand what it's like to feel sick when ketones enter your body or how low blood glucose makes you lose control. They do witness those episodes at times and it's probably weird and occasionally even frightening. It is important for them to know, that we do the best we can to control our condition and to make our life and the lives of the people around us, worth living.

I'm having visitors this afternoon. A few people from a production house are coming over to make a commercial on Type 1 diabetes. They contacted me with the question if I was willing to tell my story in front of a camera. The clip will be shown during a diabetes symposium on a big screen. I didn't doubt one second. If I can help spread the word on diabetes, I will. Awareness is so important and a positive attitude will help us move on. I see it as a goal in life, to bring awareness to the people around us.
I'm curious and anxious and nervous and chipper. Keep your fingers crossed for me, okay?

The light of my life

That's what you used to call me, many years ago: the light of your life..
We're not the most romantic couple ever. We're not good with candle light dinners, little scribbles on scrap paper or red rose petals on the bed. That's just not who we are as a couple. We don't watch the stars, laying on our back in the grass at night. We don't clasp hands to stroll down the beach. No memorable love texting on our cell phone. I never sit on your lap nor do you carry me up the stairs. You don't come home early from work because you missed me and I don't turn the car after I left to come back home and give you another cuddle..

Did we ever have that romance in our relationship? Not that I recall.. I guess both of us are too sober to do so. It doesn't mean we love each other less than the more romantic couples. We just express things in a different way. Subtle hints are not easy for you to comprehend. You like things to be said out loud and clear. And what do I like? I don't know.. Would I like a bit more romance in our marriage? I don't know.. Because we're not used to it. It would be kinda awkward if all of a sudden you would lay your hand on my back to let me enter the restaurant first. It would be weird if you would order dinner for me instead of me picking out your favorite meal. Would I be surprised if you would bring me my Latte Macchiato with two sweeteners and plenty of milk froth? Absolutely.. Would we enjoy breakfast in bed on a lazy Sunday morning..?

People who say Valentine's Day is just another way of merchandising, are probably right. It's not about February 14th. Loving is so much more than this one particular day. Love is less about having sex seven times a week. Love is not about expensive gifts. Love is more about bringing a smile on each other's faces for no reason at all. And love is more about letting your partner know you're still madly in love with little affectionate gestures..

Me Time

I'm privileged for having the occasion of enjoying so much Me Time.. My schedule is always packed with fun meetings, entertainment and Me Time. You let me enjoy life without limits. I love that Me Time - I need it too. It keeps me sane and motivated and happy. As long as there's enough time to spend with my family and to do what I need to do, I don't feel guilty about the Me Time. Because it gives me the energy to be bubbly and alive, and don't we all benefit from that?

The test of time

Every time when I look in the mirror, all these lines on my face getting clearer. The past is gone. It went by, like dusk to dawn. Isn't that the way? Everybody's got the dues in life to pay..

I always said I didn't mind getting older. I had no grey hairs to dye, no wrinkles to treat. Times have changed. The sign of the times has started to show. I'm no longer a young woman. Not that I feel old, on the contrary. I feel young and vibrant, but my body is starting to discuss with the heart and the mind. I feel 40, for the first time in my life. But then again: what's wrong with being the age you are? It would be worse if I would feel 50 at the age of 40, right? I always claimed I was not going to grow older than 50. Meaning that I have a pitiful 10 more years to enjoy. That would be very sad, since I love to live. Maybe I should broaden my boundaries and go for 60? On the other hand, 60 isn't that old either. Hmhmh.. it's getting difficult here. Good enough we don't have to decide on how long we will be on this planet. It's not up to us at all. There are no certainties in life, besides being born and leaving this world. When that is going to happen, is one big question. I'm not even close, that I know. So I'm going to enjoy every minute of it. I want to live, I want to feel alive. Even at the age of 40, we're entitled to some fun. It's okay to feel young and bubbly. I'm not ready to give that enthusiasm up that easily, despite the test of time..

I am just blah blah blah

It's been one of those days, when I feel like I can't stop talking. The words keep coming and they blur out my mouth. It's like my heart is flowing over with emotions that need to find their final destination. Feelings of all range and intensity. Sadness, happiness, joy and grief, concern and comfort. A mixture of feelings that pass the line. I want to take some time off, some rest, some time to think clear and straight and give those emotions their own place. It is good to feel though. It makes you feel alive. Fierce feelings at times, but nevertheless, they are feelings I embrace. Who would I be without this barrel of emotions..

I can't make you love me

There must have been a time down the line, when you were in love with someone who didn't love you back. Do you recognize that feeling? That overall feeling of love for the other and the pain because the other doesn't love you back the same way? I remember that feeling real well. It was so painful. That feeling of rejection, of not being wanted, is horrible. It's a pain you can't explain if you haven't lived it. You just can't make one love you.. That's not how love works. There may be a certain degree of love or friendship,  but if it doesn't go beyond that, it's probably never going to happen. Then it's time to let go and move on. Never regret having loved that special person. It was valuable nevertheless. Love can't be forced. It wouldn't be fair either. Hold on to the friendship if you can. No matter what the intensity of the relationship was: it was always worth having it. Since it brought you joy and it made you feel alive. I'm thinking of you..

It's cold outside

Baby, it's cold outside! My feet are just frozen and numb and I can't find any warmth to defrost them. I hate cold weather. Okay, it's not snowing or raining or anything, but I just don't like to be cold. If only we could live in Florida, where we could enjoy the heart warming sun.... Wandering off, I can imagine myself in Kissimmee, enjoying some relaxation in the jacuzzi, surrounded by the gators. No stress, just sheer relaxation..

American citizens like to go to Florida to retire. Sounds like a plan to me. I definitely wouldn't mind. The heat would be good for our bones and our sanity. Because that's what the sun does with people: it lightens up your mood. Look how happy people are when the sun is out? Maybe we would adjust to those temperatures and no longer find it special after some time? Although we still get annoyed by the rain and the cold, after all of those years in Belgium...

I appreciate your honesty

There's not much you can't say to me. I appreciate your honesty and your friendship.
Today we're having lunch in Ghent. We travel around the country to meet up and so far, it's always been a pleasure. I would like you to tell me more about your CGM system and get to know all of the benefits. You're a fulltime user of the product so who else can explain me more than you?

You'll be in time. So will I. Because we have been looking forward to this lunch date. Let's say we connect. Both our partners know that and I'm glad they have no objections against our meetings. It would be a shame if we wouldn't be able to go out and have a good time. I would really miss that.

See you in a bit. I hope you have no other plans for the day...

Rumor has it

My agenda says I'm having three lunch dates this week. And all of you who know me well, know that my lunch dates start in the morning and they may well last till after dinner. Not because that's the plan, it's just the way it goes. I love to talk to all three of you. Different ages, different men, but all worth spending time with. We have some shopping to do, lunch to indulge, latte macchiato to drink and well... babble.. our tongues will go dry but diet coke will solve that without any doubt. Maybe our blood glucose will raise a bit higher than it normally does, but we know how to solve that. Since two of you are diabetics yourself, I know I don't have to fear anything. And my third date is well aware of what diabetes is about and we'll talk some more about scary situations, so there won't be any more "and then the light went out".

Are you ready to shop? I hope the cold won't scare us off. And if it does, we'll have some more Latte to keep us warm. We won't overdo on the carbs today. Healthy lunch and no desserts planned, so we don't outrage our numbers, okay?

This evening, we're going to attend another diabetes pub meeting. The theme of tonight is laughter. Something we're pretty familiar with. Nevertheless, it will be good to see the others too. A day to enjoy. A week to enjoy. Bonds to be tightened.

Je me fou du monde entier

You actually don't give a darn what people think of you. Being abroad for 5 weeks does you well. You are so happy with your partner and the two of you like to travel and enjoy each others company. Today is your birthday. Years go by so fast. I think I have known you for around 12 years now. No matter what happened to you during that period of time, you always kept your joy and positive attitude and you didn't let anyone get you down. Keep up that spirit, my friend. I'm looking forward to the short visit you will pay our country, before you go back where you like to be the most. I'll see you on Thursday, as usual, for our monthly day out. We never get bored and there's always plenty to talk about.
Have a very good birthday. I'm sure that won't be any problem.

Outrageous!

Photo by Lana Joos

Unheard off! Driving my car on the slippery roads at night, the outside thermometer read -17°C. MINUS that is! I have never heard of temperatures this low in our country... Cheese and rice, I mean.. come on? Is this Antarctica? I thought winter was not going to happen this year, since January was a very mild month. But February made up for that. The difference is just so enormous! We don't know how to keep ourselves warm, since the central heating and the gas fireplace don't do the trick. Warm socks, woolen sweaters and waterproof gloves are still not enough to go outside for a walk. The dogs are longing for some outside play, but the salt on the pavements hurts their feet. I really don't want them to have frostbite. So they stay inside and admire the white carpet from behind the glass windows. Inthe is sad... she wants to play catch.. So she weeps and gives us the saddest look ever...

I hate cold weather. I hate snow and I definitely hate ice. But I must admit, that the scenery is breathtaking. I was visiting someone who was staying in a wonderful house in the fields, far away from any nearby neighbors. I pulled up a parking lot, to enjoy the scenery and the serene landscape. And I realize how lucky we are to be living in a country where we still have seasons. I was impressed by the beauty of pristine snowy fields and the silence of a country covered in snow..

Coming home to a bowl of home made pumpkin ravioli, served with strips of raw ham and a bit of sage butter, warmed my hands and my tummy. Let's pull up a fleece blanket, hop on the couch and let the whippets warm my feet. I'm no longer that opposed to freezing temperatures, because I know my heart is warm and filled with love.

Smiling like an idiot

You probably have these moments too? Moments that are just so ridiculous that you can't do but laugh at yourself for what you've done or said?

I like to laugh and quite often, I smile like an idiot because of my very own stupidities. Awkward situations, for example. There are plenty of occasions where I made a complete fool out of myself. Falling down on my knees in the middle of a crowded street for instance. Those are painful moments, but at the same time hilarious, because I don't take myself that seriously.
I like to sing in my car or give comments on other drivers. I'm sure it's a weird sight for others to see me babble to myself.

Don't be that serious. Dare to laugh, dare to look at yourself and find the fun within your personality. Have a good laugh over you and share it with your friends. No big deal. Just a funny situation.

What do you think?

I look at you and I try to figure out what's on your mind. You are miles away, wandering off, sunken in thoughts.
I observe you and I check your mimicry. You close your eye lids only halfway just so you can still peek through your eye lashes. I have no idea what you're looking at, since it's something in your daydream. You have no idea you are being observed. I find it interesting, to say the least..
Maybe I should ask about your innermost thoughts, but I don't. Since they are your private thoughts. You would tell me, if you would want me to know. Maybe you will, in the end. I don't know. And it doesn't matter. Just keep on dreaming your daydream. I'll keep on observing you..

And then the light went out..

I have no idea where the palpitations came from, but I could feel my heart beat go in overdrive. I felt sick to my stomach and my skin must have lost all color. I could see my friend but I couldn't hear her. I tried to get my glucometer out of my purse, but I couldn't hold the test strip. I would not even have known how to poke my fingers or read the result..
She told me to sit down on the floor and that's exactly where I ended up. Two pouches of pure glucose found their way to my mouth and my friend was so helpful to help me indulge the sugar. I was hot, too hot although I was freezing my bum off prior to this event. She told me to remain seated but I only wanted to get up. I felt ashamed. She said it was okay, nothing to be ashamed of. I hugged her for helping me out and I thanked the bystanders for their intervention. Not that I was aware of what they had done. All I knew, was that my friend was there to help me out. She knew where to find my pouches of glucose and she remained calm but very persistent in making me sit down and suck up the sweetness of the hypofit.
It was the first time I experienced a diabetic low of this caliber. Not very pleasant. Losing control is awful. My BG skyrocketed after this episode, but insulin made it come back down right to where it belonged.

My friend was supposed to drive home with her husband and daughter, but not one of them agreed to let me drive home from Brussels all by myself. So my friend joined me, to make sure I was okay (I had another - but smaller - episode that same night). She offered to drive my car, but I was okay. I was back in control, just the way I like it. There were more pouches of hypofit in my car, for emergencies. I was glad I got home in one piece. And once again: friendship is so important. As telling your friends what diabetes is about and how emergencies need to be treated. My friend was very chill about this situation and she has no clue how much that meant to me. Thank you...

A last minute call

Coming down from a good night's rest, I found the inbox of my cell phone to be full with text messages. There was one missed call as well, but I wanted to read your text before I called you back. You had an invitation for me. If I wanted to join you, your husband and your daughter to go see UB40 in Brussels. Of course! What did you think???? I opened my notebook, to make sure I had no other appointments scheduled the day of the concert. So I asked you when you wanted to go? A clatter of laughter filled the house, when you told me it were that very same evening. Euuhh.. okay.. no problem. That was a bit sudden and very last minute. But I instantly got happy and flattered that you had asked me to join you. Right away, a few UB40 titles popped up in my mind. Red red wine, There's a rat in my kitchen, Sing our own song.. Just a few of many wonderful songs from my youth. I loved UB40 and reggae music. So yes, this was a wonderful surprise. You're a delight.

This is what I do

People often ask me what I do for a living. Well... that is pretty hard to explain. I don't feel the need to do anything. I like what I do now. I like to hang out with others and I like to talk about diabetes. So I attend workshops and I teach others about diabetes by giving similar seminars. There are several invitations to go out there and spread the word on diabetes. I like to educate people. Probably the teacher inside of me? I don't know. I'm not a professional diabetes nurse and I do not pretend to be one. The seminars I give are based on my own experience with D and the way I look at it. Giving medical advice is not my job and I won't go there. There are professionals out there to fulfill that need.
I hear that I can be a great motivator and I want to use that given to help out others. I want to let other diabetics know, that life isn't over after being diagnosed. Okay, it's a chronic disease and diabetes complications are not to be waved away. That's not what I come to talk about. I want to educate, to reassure, to inform and to spread awareness. I want to comfort people, reach out to them and refer them to a doctor who can help them move on and get good treatment.

You have no idea how good it feels, when someone comes over to you and tells you they have better control over their diabetes because I motivated them. How well their HbA1c has become since they started to count carbs and got better information on how to treat their diabetes. It's heart warming to hear that a teen is doing so much better since she started pumping insulin. The joy of her parents was overwhelming and I can relate to their concern. It's so wonderful to see someone bloom and grow because of your interference. That's why I do what I do. And I do it with all the warmth of my heart.

The other week, I went to visit a nun, who's been a T1 diabetic for 26 years. She had no idea that her not recognizing hypoglycemia actually had a name: hypo unawareness. She didn't know what carbohydrates were or what they did to her blood glucose. She had no idea there were appliances like insulin pumps, to help you get better control. So we had a good talk and last week, she was in the hospital to learn how to count carbs and to get to know her insulin pump. She was in tears by my visit and so happy she had finally met someone who understood what diabetes is about. I was proud to see that she had followed my advice, since she was going through her carb counting book to search for the carb contents of her dinner. She had so many questions and tears of joy and relief were rolling down her cheeks.. And that's what I do..  It may not be a job to you, but it's what I'm good at. It's what I do best. And it's what I like to do.

Pleased to meet you

I often wonder how people get to meet one another. Over the years, I have met so many people but I keep forgetting how we met. I try to focus, but sometimes I really can't figure it out. Who addressed who, what lines did we use to introduce ourselves? How long after that first meeting did we meet again? The years go by and I forget. Memories build up and some fade away. Some friendships get more intense while others extinguish slowly as candles. Do you ever know in advance if an encounter will turn into a deep friendship? I'm glad we don't know. We wouldn't do our best to get to know the other person if we knew in advance the friendship wouldn't last. I honestly don't believe all friendships have to remain as intense. Even less intense friendships can be worth maintaining. You don't have to see each other every week to be good friends. I nurture my friends. Pleased to meet you. When will I see you again?

Do you want to know my secret?

I don't know how you feel about having or sharing secrets. Are we entitled to having secrets or are we supposed to make someone a partner in crime or not have any secrets at all? I don't know. Secrets don't always have to be huge secrets. Sometimes there are smaller secrets you just want to keep private. Just because other people wouldn't understand. Or just because you don't feel like sharing them. Because you want to keep some things to yourself. Because they are private. Because it's too delicate to share. Because it's a part of you you don't want to share with the rest of the world. Not everything needs to be told on the Internet. Not everything has to be brought right out in the open. Let me have my secrets. I let you have yours...

I think I wanna marry you

Congratulations, my friend. This very right day, your youngest son is getting married to his beautiful girlfriend.. It's been a rough year and nobody had an idea this marriage was going to be scheduled this soon. Hearing they are getting married today, brings joy to our hearts. He's still amongst us and he will be for a very long time. Marriage will do him good. He will have different goals in life, a wife to cherish, a household to take care off. Day by day, he will grow stronger. He's getting there. With a lot of love from his wife and family and help from his friends, 2012 will be a fresh start. Bruno is not invited to the party. We all prayed for him to go away. We don't need him. Your son can do without...
Have a wonderful day. Keep the Kleenex handy. I'll be thinking of you all..

Nocturnal

I'm tired. Exhausted. The nights are getting shorter and shorter. CGM is what I need. This tool would be so helpful to help me get better diabetes treatment. Not that I'm not doing well now, on the contrary. But still, I want a better standard deviation in my blood glucose numbers. I would like my CGM to warn me when my numbers are going up or down. I poke my fingers 8 times a day, but that's not enough. So I sleep little and poke at night as well. To get better numbers...

I need to get more sleep. No more late nights on the couch, between sleeping and being awake. No more alarms on my insulin pump, to tell me it's time to check my blood glucose. It is quiet in the house though at night. I can watch all the TV programs I like. I can cook late night meals and surf on the Internet and chat with my friends. But I do need to get more sleep. My age is chasing me and it's telling me to stop poking my fingers at night and go to bed earlier. I have to listen to my body. It says: last check 01:00 AM and no more couch sleeping after that. Off to bed! I'll give it a shot.

I got a hangover

Can't remember when I had my last hangover. I'm not much of a drinker. You could call me a social drinker. Over lunch/dinner with friends, I like to have a glass or two of Chardonnay. No more, just one or two glasses. That's even more than I can handle. I like the taste of Chardonnay. I don't drink beer, I don't drink liquor. I don't like the taste and I don't like the control you loose once your body is intoxicated. So alcohol is not the best option for me to enjoy a good time. I look around me and see how people enjoy their beers and shots of liquor, but it can't charm me. What is more fun than having good conversations and plenty of smiles? No need for alcohol to have a good time...

There are people around me who have a lifetime warning when it comes to drinking. They have a problem with alcohol. It's dangerous for them to drink and they decided to give up on alcohol for life. I don't have that intention, since it's not really a problem for me. But I do admire their decision and I'm glad they found another way to cope with things in life. It made them better people. We all benefit from their sobriety. They are no longer obnoxious or over emotional. They cope better with problems and they don't sleep in late after a terrible hangover, because the only hangover they have, is a big grin on their face from having a good time without alcohol..

A bit of silliness

I'm 40 years old. The silly years should be gone by now. But they are not. I feel young and vibrant and full of energy. I've been told numerous times how happy people get by my laughter and joy. It makes them smile too.. Every day should have a bit of silliness. A joke, some teasing, a ridiculous situation.. it doesn't matter - anything that makes your heart tick and keeps you up and going. Life is so much nicer if you don't take yourself that seriously. There's plenty of misery out there. Don't make your own life miserable as well. I love to laugh. Not one day goes by without a funny twist. That's exactly how I would like to keep it. I don't fear the future. I don't fear growing old. Because I'm convinced my heart will remain young and the laughter will keep the wrinkles away..

Yo hablo español

Was I 14 or maybe even 16 at the time, I don't recall the exact age. I know that I took Spanish classes for a couple of months or maybe a year. It was a great way to get out of the house and have a good time with friends. The classes were at night. I don't even remember where the classes were, but that's not important. The thing was: I loved the words, the pronunciation, the way the teacher taught us about the Spanish culture. I don't recall much from my Spanish classes, but some phrases keep coming back.

You are being given the opportunity to learn Spanish in between classes in school. I'm so happy you decided to sign up. Languages are important and they help you understand other cultures and customs. I hope your teacher will be enthusiastic to make the classes worth following. It will be a good preparation for you to go abroad. Because that's what you want to do next year. You applied for a student exchange program. Spain, Italy, Luxembourg. There was a motivation letter that gave me goose bumps. We keep our fingers crossed for you, so your application will be accepted. It's keeping them long to decide. It would be a wonderful experience for you to fly out and discover a totally new country. A chance to be more independent - although you're already doing real well - and indulge yourself in a different world. Good luck sweetie. You'll get there.

E quella notte mi sono resa conto che vi voglio bene

That night I realized that I loved you..

At times, we don't always realize how lucky we are to be able to love and be loved. There's love at first sight, the love of your life, love for a friend, deep love that hurts when you think of it, the love for your children, the love for life, unexpected love, butterfly love, ... so many forms of love but beautiful nevertheless. Do you ever mesmerize over the different kinds of love in your life? Do you tell your loved ones that you care for them? Not the daily "I love you", that's not what I mean. But that one special "I love you", that warms your heart whenever you hear it out of the mouth of someone you truly love. Those are the love you lines that stay with you and keep you warm..
Valentines Day is coming up soon. A day to celebrate the different loved ones in our life. It's not always about your beloved partner. I like to tell my friends too. Because them too, they matter. Being surrounded by special loved ones, is a wonderful feeling we should cherish..

Why are you so shy?

Lately, I have encountered some new people who told me they were shy, not very outgoing and they found it difficult to socialize. I was curious about them.. It ticks me to know why people are shy or why they hesitate to meet up with others. So we met. Eye to eye at first, no other guests. And it clicked. Okay, I admit, they were a bit shy at first, but isn't that normal when you meet someone for the very first time? We chitchatted and the conversations went well. It's no problem to have a brief silence every now and then, that's okay. We understood each other and then no words have to be spoken.

We met up again. I invited another shy person to accompany us. We all met and mingled and as soon as I saw the other two get into a conversation, I sneaked out to the bathroom, so they could have a talk by themselves. It was good to see them chat and smile when I came back. They are not as shy as they think they are. Being shy is not a problem. It's only a problem if you make it one.

Build up that self esteem. Go for it. You got the right attitude, the knowledge, the looks. There's no reason for you to stay at home. Someone out there is waiting to meet you.

A shoulder to lean on

Human beings are not made to live by themselves. We like to have a partner, a family, friends, colleagues.. It's just not natural to spend your life on your own. That doesn't mean you can't have time by yourself, you absolutely do need me time. It's just that, having people around you that truly care, makes life even better.
If you're lucky to have a mentor in life, go for it. Mentors can be great stimulators. They help you see things in a different dimension. They are there for you, when things aren't going right and they will be there to cheer for you when you have made your next achievement. Don't underestimate their importance. Mentors make you feel good. They know what your weak spots are, but they are very good at finding your talents as well. They are the mirror to your soul. Might or may be confrontational, but that's okay. In the end, you will benefit from being open.
We all need a shoulder to lean on. Even the mentors do..

Who's gonna drive you home, tonight?

Sometimes it's scary. The thought of you going out with your friends. I still like to stay up to come get you in the middle of the night. I don't trust other drivers. I've been young too. It's great to go out with friends and have a couple of drinks. Drinking and driving is not a good combo, but I'm very aware it happens all the time. I know we need to have faith, and we trust you. But we never know what the others do and how well they drive, let stand if they drink and drive.

So don't worry. I don't mind coming to get you. I want you to have a good time and enjoy yourself without having to worry about how to get home. So for some more time, you're stuck with your mom as a driver. But I think you don't mind...

Pop the question

Late the other night, I got a very strange text message on my cell phone. It said: "Are you interested in a date? I offer you 500 euros. Greetings, Pascal." Apart from the fact that I had no idea who this P. person might be, this text message was beyond proper behavior. I was appalled by the message and the person who sent it. Not knowing where it came from or where he got my number, it freaked me out. What a stupid thing to do! Where do people get the nerve to assume that you are waiting for text messages of this order? I was not happy at all. Not one time did it cross my mind to accept this offer. It was disrespectful and way out of line. The person who sent me the message, had no problem leaving his number behind. I could call him and let him know I was not flattered by this text. I didn't. Because it wasn't worth the effort. But yes, it freaked me out. He didn't mention my name in his message, so I assume he randomly chooses cell phone numbers to forward these messages to. What a sick mind.. I don't mind people popping questions, not at all. On the contrary: I love to answer questions. But this is not one of the questions I had in mind..

Sorry seems to be the hardest word

Isn't it strange, how hard people find it, to say they are sorry? We can talk about almost anything, but it's so hard to step down and tell someone you were wrong.. Not good for your image maybe, but still worth trying. Saying sorry can solve more issues than you think. It's just a simple word, only 5 letters, but so meaningfull.

I have no idea why this subject crosses my mind just now. Nothing has happened that needs to be apologized for. I'm not expecting any excuses from anyone either. It's just that I woke up this morning and it was what was on my mind. Sorry seems to be the hardest word, but it can make you feel a whole lot better afterwards..

Blue Monday

For the first time, I heard that the third Monday of January is considered Blue Monday. All over the world, this is the day when most people feel depressed, sad or even desperate.

I was watching this program on TV. A Chinese business man had survived two suicide attempts, after his companies went out of business. He thought his experience could help other people and he started to give seminars to suicidal peers. His classes were packed and the audience was focused. There were coffins in the auditorium. The attendees were asked to have their "last" picture taken and to write their own eulogy. They changed the clothes they were wearing for graveclothes, before they crawled into their coffin in deep silence. The lids were being put on top and the coffins were nailed down. For some time, they were being left inside their coffins, to reflect over their lives. Meanwhile, their family and friends were gathering in the same room, to attend the fake funeral. The "dead" person could hear the grief and the sorrow of their beloved ones. It made them aware of how fortunate they were to have so many wonderful people around them. Not of one the attendees has made a new suicide attempt since the classes they took. Spooky.. but effective..

Repeat

As a mom I have to say things over and over again. Mostly unpleasant things like chores and curfews and homework and cleaning up bedrooms and picking up wet towels. I guess that's part of being a parent and having teenagers around. And then again, I realize how fortunate I am. Our girls are responsible and they are not that obnoxious that they fight us or refuse to do things. Okay, they talk back every now and then and they have an opinion of their own, but that's part of growing up, right? Something I like to repeat over and over again, is that they are loved and wanted. Isn't that more important than nagging about their imperfections? So sweethearts, bear with me if I nag about your cluttered room. Just see it as things moms just have to nag about. I love you girls xx

Working out

Just a bit too much fat around the belly and the shoulders a bit too broad. That's what the holidays did to you. You're not supposed to look like this. Your nature is to be lean and skinny. We want you to be healthy and look your best. So hubby decided to give you an extra work out every day. He already takes you and your friend Rebba for long walks, but obviously that won't cut the deal for you. Rebba is ship shape, but you're a bit too heavy now..

It's not that you're lazy or so. You really look forward to the outdoor games. Hubby lets you race around the backyard, chasing your ball. You are so fast and it's amazing how well you jump and get that ball. After play, you come inside and although your condition is pretty good, your heart pounds dramatically and your tongue is ready to lick the saliva dripping on the floor. You recover fast and then you drop your ball in our lap, to make clear that you're ready for some more fun. I have no idea why you put on that extra weight, but still, we cut back on your diet again. You are being fed twice a day and the food you get is already diet food. We do have a small suspicion though, that you may eat the food of your friend as well. She doesn't eat that much and she could care less if you would eat hers. She definitely won't fight over it.

Let's hope working out will do you good. Hope to see you in better shape soon.

Funny habits

Just the other day, a friend and I were talking about funny habits when it comes to food. How we like to eat certain things in a certain way. I told her about peanut M&M's and how good they are when you first nibble away the chocolate coating and save up the peanuts for last. Or how you peel off the upper cookie from sandwich cookies, so you can lick the chocolate center, before you indulge the cookies. Isn't that strange? I asked around and so many people have their own funny habits. What do you eat first when you are having dinner? I prefer to eat my veggies first, while others like to take a bite of everything in a random order. Our oldest daughter always saves the best for last, while the youngest prefers to eat the best first. Why do I eat the topping of the pizza before I chew on the crust? Perhaps because I hope I will be full before I come to the carb part? I dunno..
So what's your special habit? Do you eat things a certain way? Doesn't matter what. I would love to know!

Just like in the commercial

Aren't we all susceptible to commercials and what they represent? Small children choose their cereal because it comes with a free toy they want to have. Can you honestly state that you have never bought some article because you liked the commercial so much? Sometimes we dislike a commercial and it keeps us from buying the product just because it's so annoying. I must say that some commercials are really funny and although I don't always remember the brand it stands for, the ad stays with me for quite some time.

When I got to see this video on Dyson, it really made me smile. I thought it was hilarious and the person who came up with the idea, is probably a very funny guy! I don't need a new hoover and it won't make me buy Dyson, but I know this commercial will be watched several times by millions of people. It's already a hit on the internet.

Telling tales

When the girls were little, I used to keep diaries and scrapbooks on their adventures. They love it when we tell them about their childhood. They have tons of pictures and there are plenty of stories to read. They get to keep their scrapbooks in their room and I'm sure they have read them over and over again. Some stories are being told all the time. Maybe it's time to dig up the scrapbooks and have another peek in them. I'm sure I have forgotten many stories, but it will all come back to me once I see the pictures. We have lived in several houses over the years and they all have their own tales. I remember Lana coming down the stairs - at the age of just 2 years old - holding her newborn sister Eva in her arms. It made my heart stop for a moment, but she was real careful. I didn't like the sight of socks on that slippery stairway, so I asked her in a calm voice to sit down  and to hold on tight to her little sister. That's exactly what she did. The story has been told numerous times since.
There are several video tapes on the girls as well. Birthday parties, footage of ordinary days, days out at the zoo or the amusement park. We no longer make any video tapes any more, since our last camera broke down. But the girls make plenty of pictures themselves nowadays. All of their pictures come with stories too. I hope they will remember them, since they don't write them down.
I have no more than 1 photo album of my childhood and no stories to go with it. So I need to rely on my own memory. Going back to my teens isn't that hard, but the years prior to that, are tough. I like stories and tales. That's why I write them down.. just in case I forget one day...

Do it for you

For some time, you were lost in diabetesland. You didn't take good care of yourself, didn't know how to lower your A1c. We got diabetes around the same time. The difference is, you were 11, I was nearly 31. I have deep respect for all youngsters who have to deal with this condition growing up. Being a teenager is not easy. Being a teenager with diabetes is harder.
You're 20 now. Counting carbohydrates and taking better care of yourself. You poke your fingers numerous times a day and you are learning so fast. I'm proud of you! We like to chat on a daily basis and our conversations are so hilarious. Not meant to be seen by others, but very funny nevertheless. We understand each other, don't we?
A couple of months ago, you asked me about my insulin pump. Not that you wanted one, no way. Just out of curiosity. So we met for the first time. And we met again, accompanied by another pump carrying diabetic. His pump is different from mine, so you had the chance to see both. I had the feeling you were no longer that opposed to the pump. I'm not trying to persuade you in any way. I don't have to, since lately, you told me you wanted a pump too.. Now it's up to you, to convince your care takers that you're doing well. You have to show them that you count your carbs, that you interact with the advise your glucometer gives you and that you inject your insulin. You're doing so well! I'm proud of you! I'm pretty sure that pump is waiting for you in the hospital cabinet. It's just a matter of time. Be patient. It will be yours.

A beautiful moment

Anatevka, Russia.. Tevye, Golde and their five daughters try to maintain their family and Jewish traditions while their lives are being shook upside down by outside influences. Tevye has a hard time controlling his three older daughters, when they decide to move house and move further away from the customs of their faith and their tradition.

One of my most favorite musicals ever. Tonight, Lana and I are going to the theatre to enjoy the Dutch version of this must see classic Fiddler on the Roof. I'm so looking forward to the music, the scenery, the costumes and the atmosphere. It will be a wonderful night out and I'm glad one of my daughters is joining me. It's a late birthday present and a last minute decision, but we'll be in time. Maybe I'll watch the movie today, to prepare myself to a wonderful evening. Let me doze off and enjoy the songs..

How do di do?

So many times, we ask people: "how do you do?".
This is not America. Over here, you're supposed to answer the question. A simple: "fine, thank you" is not always sufficient. But sometimes it's all the other person wants to hear. Do people always want to hear how you are really doing? Do they want to know things are not that fine? Maybe not. But then why bother asking? People are not always interested in your well being. They are just trying to be polite and friendly, by asking how you are doing. It's not always that obvious to tell the other person what's bugging you. Maybe it's not even the best choice to pick just anyone to confide in. How about you really select someone to talk to? Someone you feel comfortable with, someone who knows you better than anyone else? Someone who's up to your stories and won't withdraw after two sentences? It's not always easy to find someone, I realize that, but telling the whole world about your misery is maybe not the best solution. Your cry for help is being heard, but not by the right people. This is just too much.. I know a very big part of your life is not the best life, but there must be some joy, even for you. Try to hold on to that joy, so your mood gets better. It's not that pleasant to talk to someone who keeps treading that same old mill, over and over again. There's more to life, no matter how hard life has been on you. I hope, that one day, you will be able to say: "fine, thank you" when people ask you how you are doing..

I could've danced all night

How you led me over the dance floor. How my gorgeous dress swirled around my body and made me feel pretty. The music was just perfect and the night was even better. We were in the middle of the dance floor and the spot lights were highlighting our steps. The crowd stood around us and they were happy for us. There was magic in the air and the stars were sparkling in the night. You had your hands around my waist and my head rested on your shoulder. It felt like home.. I wished the song would never end and our dance could go on for ever... At least, that's what it felt like in my dream. I don't dance. I don't even like to dance. I love to watch other people dance though. The feeling dancing gives you is probably very intense. I wish it were different but it isn't. Maybe in some other life..

21

Things are not always what they seem. Although I'm not much of a number person, the number 21 has been on my mind quite a bit lately. I have been mesmerized by the importance and the meaning of the number and I have talked to several people about it. They all have different opinions on the subject. Some say they stick to 19. I'm not sure yet, what my preference is. Sometimes I think 19 is a bit too much, but then again: why not pick 21? Why not go for the best? Maybe 21 was a bit more work, but then again, the result was better too.
My favorite number on the CD is Rumor has it. You should get the album too. It's worth it. Trust me.

Happiness in a bowl

I have another lunch meeting today. Well, maybe I shouldn't call it lunch, but just an all day meeting. We never know when our meetings will end, so it's dangerous to call it a lunch meeting. We might even have a lunch and a dinner meeting, depending on how talkative we will be.

Maybe I need to figure out what it is with gay men and diabetes. This week, I will have seen 4 diabetic gay men. That is so strange!!! This morning I have an appointment with my hairdresser, who happens to be gay and diabetic. I'm sure he will want to know all about my lunch meeting with my two other gay diabetic friends yesterday. And if he were able to join me for lunch today, I'm sure he would. But I need my other friend all for myself this afternoon. There are too many things to discuss in private. We get along real well. Let's say we connect. We understand each other and our friendship is worth the ride to Antwerp. We have met before and we realize every time that our meeting wasn't long enough. Who says men don't talk??? Real men talk!

Looking forward to this day. I'd better get going so I don't run late. See you in a bit!

I need somebody

We all need someone we can confide in. Someone to tell our darkest secrets to. Someone to feel safe with and share our innermost thoughts with. A shoulder to cry on, a buddy to hang out with. A person you don't need to talk to, in order to be understood. You know, someone who can read you without being told what's up.

I have wonderful people around me. I can't imagine not having good friends to talk to. I guess I would really feel lost.. My friends are so diverse in age and personality and their homes are spread around the country. It doesn't matter how old someone is or whether they are male or female. It's all about the friendship. Cuddles are never that far away. I have some pleasant meetings coming up. Looking forward to that.

Can't you see where I'm coming from???

It is no longer funny.. Getting comments from different people about my weight, is beginning to freak me out. I used to be bigger and that was not a happy period in my life. I said goodbye to the extra pounds and it's been quite some ordeal to get where I am now. I feel great! For the first time in a very long time, I feel like an attractive woman and I like the person I see in the mirror. Is it that hard to comprehend what the weight loss means to me? I will never be skinny and that has never been my goal in the first place. I wanted nothing but a healthy weight and a corresponding Body Mass Index. That BMI is not reached yet, but I'm fine with the BMI I have now. This is the weight that goes with my body. I eat well and I eat healthy. I'm not starving myself and I'm not withholding from eating yummy things. On the contrary: I hear so many people tell me how they envy the meals I prepare for myself. They are not boring or low calorie. I fancy the food I eat and I'm more conscious of what I feed myself. Why do I need to eat fatty, fried food and mayonaise or indulge chocolate cakes? I didn't eat that kind of food before the weight loss either and I'm not going to now. My stomach twirls when I smell greasy food. Just let me enjoy the Asian cuisine, my veggies and home made ravioli in chicken broth. After all, I have worked very hard to get where I'm at now. Please don't spoil the fun for me..

What if?

What if.. this world would come to an end in 2012?
What if.. cats would bark and dogs would meow?
What if.. I were not a woman but a man?
What if.. diabetes would no longer exist?
What if.. the world were square?
What if.. we would no longer have access to the Internet?
What if.. we woke up and spoke a different language?
What if.. we would work all night and sleep all day?
What if.. nobody would ever tell a joke?
What if.. cab drivers wouldn't like to drive?
What if.. we knew the answer to all questions asked?

Coincidence? Not...

Things happen for a reason. I don't need no confirmation to know that we meet for a purpose. People come into our lives to teach us things and to show us other perceptions. People come and go and they always teach us lessons we need to learn. They sometimes come back into our lives as a different person, to teach us the lessons we didn't learn from the previous encounter. That is something I believe in.. I don't believe in some God or religion. I believe in humanity and goodness, friendship and love. Nurture your teachers, accept their interference. Open your mind to new opinions and indulge yourself in different objectives. It doesn't matter if people disappear every now and then. Don't regret having met them, because they were there for a reason. Embrace those encounters, embrace the advice brought to you.

Mindreading is very interesting. Feeling connected with others is special. Thinking about the same things at the same time is not that extraordinary - it happens all the time if you are willing to accept it. Don't ignore your gut feeling. Stick to your intuition and open your heart. How often did your phone ring after you gave the other person a thought? Did you ever run into someone after that person had crossed your mind that same day? What about typing the same text message at the exact same time? It may seem odd to you, but to me, it's not that awkward.. It feels good, it feels familiar. It's what I believe in.